AITAH for separating from my husband because he refused to get a vasectomy?

In relationships, tough conversations can sometimes turn into heated arguments, especially when big life changes are involved. In this story, a wife is pregnant with twins and feeling overwhelmed after her husband refuses to get a vasectomy.

A huge fight breaks out, and now she’s questioning whether her decision to separate is too extreme or if she’s justified in asking him to share the responsibility for birth control. Is she overreacting, or is her husband being unfair?

‘AITAH for separating from my husband because he refused to get a vasectomy?’

My husband (28M, who I will call Jack) and I (27F) have been together for 4 years, we have 2 young children and I am pregnant again. I have been pregnant for what feels like most of our relationship. I got pregnant 4 months into our relationship. We got married a month before our daughter’s 1st birthday and ended up with a honeymoon baby. After our son was born, I talked to my OB and she put me on birth control and I have been taking it militantly. My daughter is now 3 and my son is 2.

A little over a month ago I discovered I am pregnant again, despite taking my birth control religiously. Abortion is banned in my state, and the pregnancy was discovered too far along to attempt to obtain one out of state. While Jack and I were nervous, we also love being parents and decided that 3 young kids would be a challenge, but 3 was a good number for us. Then we went in for the first ultrasound and got some unexpected news – it’s twins.

Things have been tough financially, and while we were stressed but excited for a third child, we were not expecting a third and fourth child. Beyond the finances, I am the primary caretaker and I know that twins is going to be a lot, three children under 5 is already a lot, but 4 children under 5 is going to be really really difficult for me. Physically, I am tired of being pregnant. I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding the majority of our relationship. It’s exhausting, it feels awful, and I don’t recognize my body anymore. Four children is enough. I don’t want more.

I told Jack that I was done with pregnancy, I’ve been pregnant enough, I’ve been experimenting with different types of birth control for over a decade and I still can’t stop getting pregnant, abortion isn’t a valid option where we live, we need something more permanent. He agreed, and suggested an IUD, I told him no – if it did fail then it could cause an ectopic pregnancy which could kill me, especially where we live. I’ve had both control fail me multiple times already and I’m not taking the chance, so I suggested a vasectomy.

He was not open to the idea, and was even upset that I suggested it and told me I should get my tubes tied. I told him a tubal ligation is a much bigger surgery and I could be recovering for weeks during which time I wouldn’t be able to work or take care of our 4 young children, but he could ice his balls for a day or two and be done with it. He told me that not getting pregnant was ultimately my responsibility, and topped it off by saying “that’s what your body your choice means, YOUR body, so YOU choose.” That’s when it went from a discussion to a full blown fight.

See, when I was 19 I had another birth control failure with my boyfriend at the time (who I will call Tom). I wanted an abortion, Tom did not because he was opposed. I told him I was getting the abortion since it was my body and my choice, and Tom said some horrible things to me, including threatening me. I broke up with him and got the abortion. In response, Tom ended up following me one night and attacking me. I don’t want to go into detail but it was horrible, and he ended up going to prison for a number of charges related to the attack. Not only do I have a number of scars and some long lasting physical effects, but I have PTSD as well.

Jack knows about my history and diagnosis, and has known from the beginning. I have a pretty prominent facial scar so I was upfront about it early on in our dating. Jack always presented himself as very pro-choice, so I was shocked that he would say that. I got really emotional and started crying and shouting, and it turned into a full-blown fight. Eventually I said that birth control is a two-way street and so far I’ve been the only one managing it and he said “and now we have 2 kids and 2 more coming, great job.” I told him he sounded like Tom and he got super pissed, basically said how dare you compare me to him, and maybe he might want kids one day with someone who doesn’t compare him to her felon ex-boyfriend. I was stunned and horrified. I said “well then let’s not waste any fucking time,”then packed up myself and the kids and drove to my parents place.

It’s been about a week since the fight. I’ve spoken with Jack a few times and he has since apologized and said he was out of line and was speaking from a place of anxiety after finding out about the twins, but also that I said things that were out of line and it was wrong of me to insist he undergo a medical procedure. He said that can move on from the things I said and that he wants to see his children and be a family again. I told him no, that I didn’t want to “move on” from the things he said to me.

I can’t just get over that and I think we need space apart. Jack was upset by this and while we talked I brought up getting a separation agreement to manage custody and finances while we figure things out. He did not like this suggestion, said we didn’t need to pull the courts into this. I haven’t told a lot of people about what’s happening but my family and a couple close friends. My sister and best friend both think I should throw the whole man away, but my brother (who is the only other one married with kids) thinks that I’m being extreme for what sums up to a fight between two scared people who both said nasty things.

My mom is trying to be supportive but is occasionally reminding me that I “don’t want to be a single mother of 4” and telling me not to let my PTSD drive my decisions, while my dad is being completely unhelpful (he thinks jokes are helpful – like calling me Doorknob because I “can’t stop getting knocked up”, telling me to let the oven cool down, real knee-slappers). I don’t know what to do. My kids are happy to be at grandma and grandpas house but they miss their daddy, I’m 4 months pregnant and already uncomfortable as hell, I wish I could go back to being a happy little family but I’m so hung up on the things he said in that fight. Am I destroying my family over one bad night? Am I being unreasonable for asking my husband to get a vasectomy?

Edit: I’ve noticed a lot of people recommending condoms. I have gotten pregnant with condoms twice. Our second child and my first pregnancy were both conceived using condoms properly (correct fit, put on correctly, single use, not expired, no breaks, etc). I do not trust condoms enough to not fail a third time. I know the failure rate is supposedly small, but it’s not personally small enough for me. Edit to the edit: I’m sorry, I didn’t expect so many comments so fast and I can’t keep up with them.

By the first pregnancy I mean the pregnancy with Tom. With Jack I was on the patch when I got pregnant with our daughter, condoms with our son, and the pill with the twins. So far I haven’t ever suspected that Jack has tampered with our birth control and always presumed that I’m a fertile Myrtle. I recognize the comments and just want people to know I’m seeing the suggestion.

I’m not dismissing it, but the thought of it is deeply upsetting and has provoked a lot of anxiety. I just wanted to make it clear that if the suggestion is only based on the condoms, that the condom pregnancies were with two different partners. While I know I always used condoms properly with Tom, I do believe that Tom could have been fully capable of sabotaging the condoms.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

celticmusebooks says:

that’s what your body your choice means, YOUR body, so YOU choose.

The 100% fail proof BC method is ABSTINENCE — so tell him that’s your choice.

FoxPawsFauxPas – Okay so if he isn’t willing to take his part in BC then your new method is abstinence since that’s the only method that is 100% (if you choose to stay) If you stay yall need therapy and he needs to help more with the kids and not just let it fall to you all the time.

hammerparkwood – We married young , had our kids and and my husband had a vasectomy at 25. He is 75 now and his pecker is still working fine. A vasectomy is minor surgery compared to a woman’s tubal.

jjj68548 – NTA. My husband volunteered to get a vasectomy when we were done having kids. He doesn’t want me to go through any surgeries that could affect me hormonally or emotionally.

ML_120 – NTA. Because I haven’t seen it in the comments so far:

said we didn’t need to pull the courts into this

Whenever someone tells you this, that’s the part where you get legal advice and strongly consider getting the courts involved.

AnyaTheAranya – To eho what a few other commenters stated regarding getting your tubes tied. If you are having a scheduled c-section I would highly recommend discussing with your doctor if you can get your tubes tied at the same time as that will allow the recovery time to happen together. You have a history of multiple BC options failing you and are still very young, and if you do end up single, will probably have to have the BC discussion with a future partner. It might be best for you whichever path you choose to consider a permanent solution for yourself.

wyrwtb – Op, I want to strongly recommend a book to you called Ejaculate Responsibly. It’s written by Gabrielle Stanley Blair. In it, she: “builds her argument by walking readers through the basics of fertility (men are 50 times more fertile than women), the unfair burden placed on women when it comes to preventing pregnancy (90% of the birth control market is for women), the wrongheaded stigmas around birth control for men (condoms make sex less pleasurable, vasectomies are scary and emasculating), and the counterintuitive reality that men, who are fertile 100% of the time, take little to no responsibility for preventing pregnancy. “

It was really eye-opening for me, and the information in it would clearly be very eye-opening to your spouse as well. Men are fertile 100% of the time; women are fertile for just a narrow window once a month, yet they are the ones tasked with planning pregnancies. Crazy when you pause to think about it.

In a marriage, if both of you don’t want further children, there should be a joint effort. You are NTA. You and your spouse could consider marital counseling / sexual counseling (from a real LCSW / therapist, not a church group.) His strong emotional reaction around vasectomy suggests some deeper stuff there that he himself might not yet even understand. As you mentioned, the fear around the news of the twins also has you both on edge emotionally. Counseling would probably benefit both of your mental health and help you chart a solution, even if that solution ends up being dissolution of the marriage.

My therapist told me once that in every relationship, but especially in marriage, in any given moment you are either moving further apart or closer together. It’s always in motion, in or out. Overcoming challenges together makes your marriage stronger. It’s a chance for each person to learn more about themselves and each other. This situation sounds stressful AF but could be a good opportunity depending on how you use it.

btw, from one trauma victim to another, I’m sorry you’re coping with PTSD. It’s hell, isn’t it? Sigh. I rarely log on to reddit anymore, but when I saw your post, I really felt compelled to share this book rec. Best of luck to you, op. I hope things work out for the better.

deepsleepsheepmeep – NTA. Your husband is though. Your body has already been through A LOT. A tubal ligation is a serious surgery and you are right about being out of commission for a while when recovering. If he is more concerned with an imaginary future wife than he is for you, I don’t think there is much hope for this marriage.

We have 4 close friends who all got vasectomies. None of them bitched about it like your wimp of a husband. We actually had fun vasectomy themed parties for them. On the off chance he does end up getting a vasectomy, make sure to do the follow up appointments. One of the vasectomy fab 4 did not follow through and ended up with a post-vasectomy baby.

Ok-Homework-582 – No it’s not unreasonable to ask him to get a vasectomy. You’ve been the one carrying these children and putting your body through pregnancy and birth. He can do one thing to improve your situation. If he doesn’t then you have to make the decision to stay or leave