AITAH For saying that my ex husband was just like his father because he cancelled on our daughter yet again?

When years of emotional neglect and broken promises pile up, even a single phone call can trigger a storm of painful memories. Our OP, a 36‑year‑old woman, recounts how her ex-husband—whom she had loved and trusted for years—once again canceled on their daughter, leaving her emotionally devastated.

Having been together for six years and married for two, the betrayal cut deep when their daughter, now five, was repeatedly let down by a father who rarely showed up. Over time, the pain of abandonment festered, and one heated phone conversation became the tipping point.

That fateful night, after another cancellation, the OP, overwhelmed with grief and anger, lashed out with harsh words. In the heat of the moment, she told him that he was just like his father—a man she had despised for abandoning his own family—implying that his repeated neglect of their daughter was a mirror of his father’s worst traits. Now, as regret and self-doubt creep in, she wonders if her words were justified or if she’s truly the asshole for speaking so bluntly.

‘AITAH For saying that my ex husband was just like his father because he cancelled on our daughter yet again?’

I’m making this fairly quick, I feel like I went a tad bit far with my comment, so half and half on if I’m the AH at the moment. So me (36F) and my ex husband (38M) were together for 6 years, married for 2 before he left me, at the time our daughter was a year old old (she’s now 5). There was no warning signs, I left to go do a grocery shop, came home to him and his clothes/things gone, left a note saying he was in love with a new woman and wanted a divorce, just like that.

I got absolutely no closure from that, any calls or messages were dodged, even when they were about our daughter, literally nothing. During our divorce he tried to fight for full custody (despite at this point not having seen her for 6 months) which was denied because he was in the military and at times constantly moving. I got full custody, he got supervision with holidays if he’s not deployed. Shortly after our divorce, he married his now wife and they settled down in the city we live in.

He’s still in the military but now he’s on a specific base. I asked if he wanted to revise the custody since he was no longer travelling? He said no need, and he wants to take things slow. Since our divorce, he has maybe seen her 11 times? Over what, 4 years? And mind you, he literally lives in the same city, travel isn’t a problem. My daughter is in therapy for this, just to process the absence/broken promises from her father (typical ‘I’ll pick you up this weekend’ only to bail last second) Anyway, on to the issue.

I got a call from him Friday night (he was supposed to pick our daughter up at 8 am Saturday, I got a call at 1am because I was up working.) and he basically says that he can’t take our daughter to his this weekend. After some back and forth, he says it’s because his wife is upset with him spending time with her, and that’s she gets jealous. Yes, jealous of a 5 year old. Absolute pisstake. I’ve been fairly cooperative this entire time, but Jesus,

I was just so upset, like a build up of emotions I just started yelling at him, calling him a sack of s**t and a disgrace. I mentioned our daughter being in therapy, how upset she was seeing some of the other kids with dads. In he preschool there was this dad day where the kids brought their dads in to do activities with them (they had a mom day the previous week) and he promised to show but pulled out last minute. I had to give her a sick day because she was so upset.

So I really started going in on him, he gets angry and starts yelling and cussing back. Eventually he got quiet, and I ended up saying “you know what’s really f**king funny? Our entire relationship you made a big show about how much you hated your dad, how horrible he was to your mum and siblings, how your biggest fear was becoming like him. But honesty? The apple doesn’t fall far from the f**king tree, because you are just like him.”

(This was said in anger, he isn’t exactly like his father, but there’s were similarities, which was why I said it. His father cheated on his mother, abused them and eventually left and abandoned them for another woman. Take out the abuse part in my opinion they’re the same)

He didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds, said ‘Jesus Christ’ and then he just ended the call. I haven’t had contact with him since then. I absolutely did not feel bad at the time, I felt like my words were justified, but the longer it waits the more I feel like I went too far, I ended up telling my parents what I said to get some feedback and they said it was cruel and unnecessary. So, AITAH?

Expert Opinion

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Many redditors empathize with the OP, stating that if your partner continuously cancels on your child, you’re justified in calling him out for his neglect. “When you’re repeatedly let down by someone who promises to be there, comparing him to someone who abandoned his family isn’t far-fetched,” one commenter remarked, highlighting the emotional toll of abandonment.

Is it ever justified to use such strong language as a wake-up call, or does it risk burning bridges that might otherwise be repaired? What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation, with years of neglect coming to a head in a single explosive moment? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you were in the OP’s shoes?