AITAH for rejecting my husband’s offer to join him for a family funeral after he explicitly uninvited me?

A woman feels hurt and excluded after her husband first uninvited her from a family funeral, citing financial reasons and a desire to focus on grieving. Plans then changed, extending his stay for social events, including in-laws.

Now, after being left behind with limited transportation, he offers to fly her out last minute, but she refuses, feeling it’s a guilt-driven offer. Her husband accuses her of being unsupportive during a tough time. She wonders if standing her ground makes her the problem. read the original story below…

‘ AITAH for rejecting my husband’s offer to join him for a family funeral after he explicitly uninvited me?’

TL;DR: Husband of 10 years needs to go out of state for family funeral, went from understandable reasons for me to not be present to wild plan changes that leave little excuse for my exclusion. Plans were made for me to stay and him to go. Now that he’s there, he wants me to come and change those plans.

I’ll try to keep this brief. Husband (28M) and I (30F) have been together for a decade. Have a house together, no kids, we both work, we have a couple of dogs, the works. We met in college, I was local, he was from out of state. All of his family therefore lives out of state. When he graduated we stayed in my state, as he didn’t want to move back to his home state.

This past week his grandfather passed away. He was over 100 years old, so while the family has been bracing for his passing for a number of years, the actual passing was quite sudden and unexpected. I of course was there for him when he found out, helped him and his family in arranging Grandpa’s funeral services, etc.

They decided on an intimate viewing with burial right after. I respect that completely. I ask my husband how he’s getting back home in such a short period of time. I offer to drive, we price check against bus tickets, train tickets, planes, etc.

He says he’d like to go alone because he’s concerned about finances, and besides, our dog takes daily medications and I’d need to stay home to manage this. I’d already let my bosses know I may need to take time off, and had already arranged with a neighbor to be on call for medicating our dog, but okay, I understand his point.

We can’t afford to both get tickets out, that’s fine. Just let me know how I can support you, ya know? The funeral is planned for Wednesday. He originally says he need to be there Tuesday, so he will work on flying out Monday. Then he decides he will just drive (and volunteers my car, not his, for this trip).

I say that’s fine and since we no longer need to worry about buying tickets does he want me to join him to support him after the funeral? He says no, that it should just be family, and ultimately he wants to be there 100% for his dad with no distractions. I’m a little hurt, but at the end of the day, it’s his family and his grief and it isn’t about me.

Then he decides that he should really leave Friday night. That way he has time to get there and spend some time with his family before the funeral and he won’t have to miss work. He says he wants to work from “home” the Monday and Tuesday and he will only need to take off the Wednesday and he’ll be driving home after, getting him home that night.

Okay, seems fair. A little longer than I expected, but again, his family, his job, not my say. Yesterday he calls me to let me know his family has decided to play hooky on Monday and have a big get together, including his sister and her husband, and his brother and his wife and kids.

He also informs me that he will probably stay through the week so as to not miss any work unnecessarily and will return home Sunday. At this point my feelings are incredibly sore. He’s assured me for years that I am part of his family and that I’m not an outsider, even though I have felt that way often.

He first disinvited me because of finances then when finances were no longer the issue he said it was because it was an intimate family gathering – but his siblings in law are welcome? He’s concerned about missing work and wants to stay even longer but is willing to be off his computer Monday without calling off to go to a big impromptu reunion?

Then he has my car and leaves me with his busted van for twice as long as he originally was going to be gone. I let him know I was feeling hurt, and even though I knew it wasn’t about me and it was a mournful event and I didn’t hold things against him, I did feel very specifically excluded and like I wasn’t part of his family.

He said I was being s**fish and I’ve been keeping my distance from him in terms of communication since. Today he texted me to ask when I wanted him home as his siblings were going to take some time off if he were “allowed” to stay longer so they could all catch up and go out and all that jazz.

I told him to just come home when he wanted and to give me 24 hours notice so I could watch to make sure he got home safe (it’s a 12 hour drive and we share our locations). I then turned off notifications as I was pretty heated. Now he’s blowing up my phone saying they want to buy me a one way ticket out to be with them.

At this point I’ve already told my bosses I won’t need the time off, I told my neighbor he won’t be needed after all and he’s already made plans for the week. I’ve made plans to see friends, work on the house, etc.

I called him and said no, that I had been excluded from the start and I wasn’t going to scramble to make plans to assuage whatever guilt he felt when he was called out. He said that it was a hard week and his grandfather just died, and that I was being an a**hole for not giving him grace and understanding.

I feel like I’ve given him nothing but grace and understanding from the start. So before I say anything I regret, Reddit, am I the a**hole?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

rizyukaizen −  NTA. I’m sure one of his siblings or their significant other has noticed you missing and said something. I’m sure he lied and is now freaking out cause one call or text to you will tear his lies apart and his ass will be grass from his family. Would be one thing if he did fly out and it was expenses that stopped both of ya but he now has no excuse.

ThrowawayDB314 −  NTA. Guilt has worked on him.. This is his problem, not yours.

Odd_Welcome7940 −  NTA…Grace and understanding are things meant for mistakes or trying moments. He has made a full-blown pattern of finding every excuse to exclude you and treat you as an afterthought. Once there and the questions began flowing, making him or you look bad, now he wants you to fix it all for him. Forget that.

Let him know you are giving him Grace by staying away as he clearly wanted. You can’t undo that decision last minute for him now. He will have to live with the consequences of his decision just as he has forced you to do. If you need to, I wouldn’t even fault you for asking him to just stay NC until he is on his way back.

That way, your existence won’t further complicate his family and set of choices. Once he is back home, give him a few days and show him this post. Ask him if that is who he wants to be or if it is who you deserve. Then, just sit silently until he is done reading and has to answer. Make him actually face his decision head-on.

Ima-Bott −  You can’t win this one. He’s throw out any canard he can to try to deflect away from his behavior and actions. You weren’t invited, don’t go as a pity guest. And make him rent a car. You’ll need yours. NTA

Careless_Welder_4048 −  I don’t want to make you feel worse but he said they wanted to buy you a ticket, I don’t think he wanted to buy you a ticket.

grissy −  NTA. I suspect his family asked why the hell you weren’t there and he explained, at which point they told him he was being an a**hole and offered to fly you out.
He said that it was a hard week and his grandfather just died, and that I was being an a**hole for not giving him grace and understanding.

All he did all week was repeatedly essentially tell you “you’re not really part of my family,” then his family clearly got on his case about it so he grudgingly offered you a last minute halfassed invite, and when you were (understandably) less than thrilled with all this he starts screeching about a lack of understanding?

He’s gotten nothing but, I would have been done with this b**lshit far sooner than you were. In cases like this normally I’d think the inlaws were the problem, but the vibe I get from the order of events is that they expected you to be there because you’re part of the family and it’s just your husband that is weirdly insisting on keeping you at arm’s length. You mentioned this:

He’s assured me for years that I am part of his family and that I’m not an outsider, even though I have felt that way often. I have to ask, who makes you feel more like that? Him or his family?

Beck2010 −  You are most certainly NTA. While he is most certainly grieving, his not involving his wife is beyond the pale. You’ve been together a decade and he basically told you that he doesn’t consider you family and that you would be a distraction.

You helped in planning the funeral arrangements – how can he feel even a little okay with leaving you home in the first place? He even took your car. I am so mad on your behalf! You were nothing but gracious and loving, and he consistently made choices to exclude you. You are so much nicer than me – I’d have changed the locks already.

seidinove −  NTA. At best he’s being completely obtuse. The offer of a plane ticket is his recognition at how badly he fucked up and how s**fish he’s being.. And this really chaps my hide:

I say that’s fine and since we no longer need to worry about buying tickets does he want me to join him to support him after the funeral? He says no, that it should just be family..Last time I looked, when you marry into a family, you become part of that family, as evidenced by all of the other in-laws being there.

IrishScottMutt −  NTA. I cannot imagine not having my spouse by my side at a family funeral. Wonder what the story was that he told his family. Also wonder why he didn’t want you there.

Was her reaction justified, or should she have accepted the late invite? Share your thoughts below!