AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur?

A Reddit user shared their experience of being disrespected by their sister’s family after years of helping care for their niece. When their 5-year-old niece called them a slur, the user discovered it stemmed from comments made by the child’s father.

Despite requesting apologies from the sister and brother-in-law, the user was met with dismissal and further insults. Taking a stand, the user refused to continue their caregiving role until receiving an apology, sparking family tension. Read the full story below for the details of this conflict and its emotional toll.

‘ AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur?’

Update here: https://aita.pics/idZWp

Hi everyone! I apologize for any errors in my English as it’s not my first language. I (29M) and my wife (30F) have 2 kids (5M, 3M). My wife works a full time office job, while I work from home with extremely flexible hours (basically as long as I meet my deadlines no one really cares how many hours it took or what time of day I work outside of some zoom meetings). My sister (26F), let’s call her Barb, and her husband (30M), let’s call him Nick, live nearby and work full time jobs. They have a daughter (5F), let’s call her Tracy.

Because of my comfortable work schedule, when our kids started going to daycare, we basically decided that I’ll be dropping off and picking up my niece from daycare alongside my own kids. I didn’t really mind and I thought it was great for my kids to spend time with their cousin.

I get along with Tracy as well, and always thought I was her cool uncle. She’s a sweet kid and usually well behaved. So anyway most days I bring her and my kids back to our house, I make them snacks or dinner, and in the afternoon/evening my sister comes to pick them up.

A few days ago the 5yo kids were watching Bluey on the TV as I was preparing snacks with my 3yo and I suddenly heared yelling. I rushed over to see what’s up and my son was yelling at her that “My dad’s not a girl!!” while my niece yells back “He is! He’s a f****t! That’s like a girl!!” (the word is different in my language but the meaning holds, as is the distinction between using it vs. simply addressing a gay person).

I’m kind of in shock at first, but I turned off the TV, and I sat her down and began explaining that this is a very bad word and we shouldn’t be calling people that, and that regardless, I’m not a girl. And because this is a bad word she should apologize to me because we don’t act mean to each other in this family, and if I hear this again I’m going to talk to her parents and she’s going get in trouble.

She said she won’t get in trouble because that’s what her dad called me, and he’s not in trouble. I was stunned. I told her that regardless of what her dad said, it’s a very bad word and she’s not to use it with me or in my presence, and that she should apologize regardless because it hurt my feelings, which she did, because she’s a really good kid.

We talked some more and I prodded her about other things her parents said, and from what I gather (getting info out of a 5 year old being obviously a difficult and unreliable process) Nick ,my BIL, told my sister in Tracy’s presence that men shouldn’t be sitting at home all day and doing childcare, that cooking is a woman’s duty, as is cleaning and really most of the things I do around my house.

And that I’m a girl (I interpret this as ‘not really a man’) because I do housework and my wife earns more money than me. I explained to her the best I could that men and woman could work from an office or from home, and that my wife or Barb working long hours from the office doesn’t make them men, and vice versa, but I didn’t dwell on it with her since it’s not really her fault.

I didn’t immediately bring it up with my sister because I figured it would be a difficult conversation and I didn’t want to have it in front of the kids, and I wanted to talk it out with my wife first as well. I did talk to my wife that evening and she seemed really upset as well. I told her that I think I should demand an apology from Nick and my sister, and she agreed.

I called my sister and told her what happened, and she said that it’s just a word and I’m blowing it out of proportion, and obviously Nick doesn’t dislike me. I said I don’t care whether he does or doesn’t dislike me, he is talking s**t about me behind my back to my niece and to her, and she is apparently very chill about this, rather than standing up for me.

She said that was how Nick was, and I should stop being a d**ma queen. I told her to f**k off and if that was how she felt she could pick up her own child from daycare, and hung up. I know it was really short notice and rude, but I really felt like I was being disrespected by people I did so much for over the years, and were my family. My wife said she understood, and that I shouldn’t back down until I at least get a proper apology.

The next 2 days were a weekend and there was no daycare. I assumed there would be calls or texts from Barb, but there was nothing. In fact, the suspicious lack of any messages or calls made me think she didn’t take my words seriously, and this actually got me even more angry. The calls did come when it was time to pick up Tracy for daycare and I (obviously) didn’t come. I dropped my own kids off, and didn’t even answer for a while.

I know it was petty but I was stewing for two days and figured letting Barb stew for a few hours seemed really appropriate and felt really good. Around noon when she called again I did pick up. I was going to smugly tell her that I was ready for my apology, and we would put it behind us, but I didn’t get to.

Instead – she went off on me, about how I was irresponsible and I flaked, and she was so late for work because of me, to which I just said “I told you I wasn’t going to pick her up. You had two days to make arrangements.” And she kept yelling at me, so I hung up again. She kept calling and sending me texts about picking Tracy up from daycare, to which I said I will not be, then stopped replying.

When I came to pick my kids up, Tracy was expecting me to take her as well, and I didn’t which was very rough on me and her both. Like, I know it’s not her fault and she’s 5, and she suddenly doesn’t get to go over to our place and play and have snacks, but at the same time – I didn’t want to just let this thing go. I felt like I deserved an apology (and still do), so I explained that me and her mom were fighting, but I’ll pick her up again when we work it out. She obviously didn’t take it well (because she’s 5), but I apologized, took my kids and left.

Well a bit later I got a call from my mom – Barb roped her into picking up Tracy, but my mom is disabled, so she was having a really hard time with Tracy, and asked me why I was being mean to Barb. I told her everything, expecting her to take my side, but instead she also pulled a “you know how Nick is”, to which I replied that the more I realize how Nick is the less I like it, and if he thinks all this s**t in general and about me specifically, I sure as f**k ain’t going to be doing free labor for him.

She said I was blowing this all out of proportion, and I told her I wasn’t the one doing it, because all I asked for was a f**king apology, and everyone else seemed to prefer all of this s**t to just giving it to me, to which she said I should just be the bigger man and not let it get to me, to which I said I was done and to have fun with Tracy.

That evening I got a call from Nick himself, which I was hesitant about, but chose to answer on the off chance that I was actually about to get that apology. Nope. Apparently my behavior is causing Barb great distress and we’re family and how can I do this to my own sister. I told him that since we’re family – how can he talk s**t about me to his kid which I take care of daily, and he said he was only joking, and it was all in good fun.

I told him it was neither good nor fun for me, and I want my apology. He blew up on me, telling me I was a f****t and couldn’t take a joke, and called me a hysterical little girl. I told him to f**k off and that I was done with him and hung up. This led to a bunch of calls from Barb & my mom which I didn’t answer.

Barb texted me that it wasn’t fair for Tracy to pay the price for me being petty, and I told her that it wasn’t fair for Tracy to pay the price of her parents being ungrateful pieces of s**t, to which she just text-yelled at me a bunch about how she was going to lose her job and I was being cruel to her and to mom. I told her I was done and unless her next message was an apology I will be blocking her number, and it wasn’t – so now I blocked her.

Past few days my mom’s been picking up Tracy and it’s been really rough seeing her in daycare and explaining that grandma’s going to pick her up, which she hates, and tells me she isn’t having fun with grandma and wants to come over to our place, and it’s breaking my heart, but at the same time – I never got a single apology from anyone but the 5yo, and I feel like letting this go would just be telling my family that it’s okay to ignore my boundaries.

But at the same time I do love my niece and I don’t want to traumatize her or have her resent me. She *is* a good kid and none of it is her fault. So… AITAH? And… What do I do?.

Edit: The angle of Nick actually wanting Barb to quit her job is not one I considered but now I think it might actually have merit, and it makes me very worried for her. At the same time I can’t really do much until she at least acknowledges that “that’s just how Nick is so stop overreacting” isn’t going to fly with me.

I also assume it’s only a matter of time until my mom is no longer an option (she’s already having a hard time) so I hope I get a chance to talk to her about it – ideally because she sees my point of view, but I’ll settle for because she’s desperate (I don’t know what sort of childcare they’ll be able to afford – they took out a large mortgage on a house they can barely afford). I will also make certain to stress upon Tracy that I love her and none of this is her fault. Thank you all!

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Accurate_Prompt_8800 −  NTA. Nick was so disrespectful about you and how you choose to live your life, although you’ve done nothing but be helpful and caring for their daughter. He’s outed himself as a homophobe and misogynist, and a genuinely n**ty person that you shouldn’t bring anywhere near your family. It’s very showing of how your family see you, as free childcare and nothing else – a complete lack of respect.

The fact that the child has remembered this all suggests that it’s not the first time he’s said it, and he’s clearly been bitching about you constantly without your sister shutting it down. Your mum the enabler and sister are horrible people for downplaying the impact of those words, while expecting you to continue caring for Tracy as if nothing happened.

Until you receive a *sincere and heartfelt* apology from all of them, I would completely refuse to provide childcare for them. If you do get one, it’s completely up to you if you decide to help them out again without some kind of monetary benefit to you. Even then, I’d completely understand if you never wanted to help them out again.

It’s a shame that the impressionable child will have to suffer as a result of her parents’ disrespect, but ultimately you reinstating childcare lets them win, and excuses their behaviour as there are no consequences.
You’re not a doormat, don’t allow them to walk all over you.

ImportantAd5737 −  nta. Nick is always the a**hole so people are used to putting up with him. you standing up to him and making him responsible for his actions is breaking the status quo. they would rather tell you to help stabilize the boat than tell Nick to stop rocking it because it’s easier to b**ly a nice person than it is to change a bad person.

Cursd818 −  NTA. Quite frankly, there is no apology that can fix this. Nick has insulted you, degraded you, and proved he is a sexist, mysoginistic, h**ophobic, horribly man with no decency at all. Your sister has proved that she agrees with him. Your mother has also proved that she agrees with him. There is NO fixing this at all.

They ruined all of this, not you, and any apology you eventually get will be fake so that they can go back to abusing your generosity and laughing at you while they do it. Tracy is a sweet girl, but she is already being corrupted by her parents’ disgraceful attitudes.

Tell your mother that you are disgusted by her and your sister’s foul behaviour. That you will have nothing more to do with your sister and her shameful excuse for a husband, and that she – your mother – is on extremely thin ice due to her trying to b**ly you into accepting more abuse. Which you won’t. Then, take a time out from all of them. Focus on your kids. And tell Tracy the truth if she keeps asking – that her parents are in trouble because they were mean, and that you love her.. Edit – spelling!

evilslothofdoom −  NTA. As you’ve said repeatedly; all they had to do was apologize. This is THEIR choice and it’s gone beyond an apology at this point. Frankly, I’d be pointing out that according to Nick your sister should be doing the pick up, house work etc, so why isn’t she? She’s going to side with a sexist homophobe then she can live with it. I feel awful for Tracy

Wrong_Moose_9763 −  “and he said he was only joking, and it was all in good fun.” Where is the funny part? I thought so, well the joke is on him, do not back down on this even with an apology because it will never be sincere, it will only be to get you to babysit again and your mother is CHOOSING to do this, because she is enabling Barb and I’m guessing this is the first time for this either. Nick and Barb are homophobes, it’s too bad that Tracy is being exposed to this b**lshit but please do not expose your son to it.

frankydank1994 −  You already know you’re nta….. I think what you’re looking for is a way to show love to your niece whilst not being a door mat to the rest of your family. Maybe try making a goodie bag with snacks and a drink every day to take when you pick up your kids. It’s a small gesture but it would show your niece you still love her and that her parents are your problem not her. ❤️ good luck.

Edit: Wow!!! Two awards 🙏 I didn’t even expect op to read this comment. Can’t believe such a small thought I almost ignored can touch so many people. The internet is wild. This approach with some small affirmations should definitely tide her over until op can negotiate with his sister. I definitely wouldn’t be in the same atmosphere with my kids as this BIL.

Snackinpenguin −  They view you as an unlimited childcare ATM because familyyyy. They don’t get to s**t on you and expect you to keep taking it while continuing to pick up their kid. They view you this way, yet this is what enables you to have flexibility to help them out. They don’t care that their views are spreading to their children. And in fact, continue encouraging this. They expect you to keep the family peace… at your expense. They can pound sand. NTA.

Mother_Search3350 −  They don’t get to s**t in the well and have fresh drinking water. Block them all. Give your niece a hug if and when you see her at daycare and remind her that you do love her but her father is a bad guy who has hurt you and you can’t take her home. Everyone else can keep their noses up Nick’s POS arse and fvck off. NTAH.

Big-Tomorrow2187 −  NTA..Stay strong. Not your circus not your monkeys. Let your brother-in-law and family burn their life to the ground all because they’re so stubborn they won’t apologize.

MaryVonDerInsel −  NTA – it is amazing how much trouble everyone is willing to have instead of simply apologising. Nick was an a**hole and he will continue to be an a**hole. Stand your ground and don‘t let him step over your boundaries. If this is causing your sister to loose her job, tell her nick is to blame. She married the wrong person.