AITAH for refusing to name my daughter after my husband’s mother?

A Reddit user shared a heartfelt conflict with her husband over naming their unborn daughter after his late mother. While he insists on a nearly identical name as a tribute, she feels it’s important for their daughter to have her own unique identity. The disagreement has caused significant tension, with his family siding against her. Read the full story below to weigh in on this emotional naming debate.

‘ AITAH for refusing to name my daughter after my husband’s mother?’

Throwaway for privacy. My husband and I found out we are having a girl and we’re both very excited about it. I started going through some baby girl names and picked out a few I liked to run by him. I’m open to compromise, so I’m willing to take feedback and negotiate. With our first child, I picked the first name and he picked the middle, and it worked out great.

My husband’s mother passed away within the last couple years and I know he had a very hard time coping with it. He was very close with his mother and he was absolutely devastated by her loss.

When we found out we were having a girl, my husband immediately wanted to name her after his mother. I suggested maybe just using her middle name as our daughter’s middle name, but he wanted to incorporate her full name. It would be the equivalent of his mother being named “Christina Marie” and naming our daughter “Christine Marie.”

I tried to negotiate with him, but he would not budge. He said that’s the name he wants for our daughter and he would not consider anything else. To be quite honest, I don’t even like the name and wouldn’t have considered it anyway. I said that’s not fair because we have to agree on the name and I don’t want her being an extension of your mother. She has her own identity and needs to have a name that’s unique to her.

We got into an argument about it recently and I said I refuse to name our daughter almost identical to someone else. He was furious and told me to figure out the name on my own and he wants nothing to do with the naming process.

He said I’m disrespecting his mother and he won’t tolerate it. This is supposed to be a happy and exciting time in our lives, but I’ve cried for days because of this. His family is siding with him and thinks I’m being an a**hole. I might be an a**hole because I could’ve been more empathetic towards him, but he’s not listening to me at all..

Important points: PLEASE READ.
– Hy husband and I are married now.
– He’re having a daughter.
– He wants to name her after his mother.
– He won’t compromise.
– I’m flattered that people think this post is fake because it’s that unbelievable..
– Yes, this is my reality…
– No, I’m not lying…

Super extra important point:  I think people misunderstood what I said about naming our first child. My husband and I both *agreed* to our first child’s name. I suggested the name and he agreed. I didn’t choose it and tell him “too bad.” He let me give suggestions because he wasn’t sure what he liked. He also works 10 hour days and doesn’t have time to sit at home looking at baby names. We both agreed to our first child’s name.

Update – I’m letting this cool down until I’m closer to giving birth and we will decide. I refuse to argue with him my whole pregnancy. It sucks but there’s nothing I can do now. Thank you everyone for your input.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Todd_and_Margo −  My husband is the fifth generation Todd Chester (not his actual name). They all have unique middle names, but they are all Todd Chester and all go by Todd. Family gatherings with him, his dad, and his grandfather were a nightmare. I have always hated it. Fortunately we had 3 girls so it wasn’t ever an issue. Aaaaaaaand then when I was 40, we found out we were pregnant with our first (and only) son.

My husband informed me that the baby would be named Todd Chester and called Todd. I informed him that unless he was carrying him for the rest of the pregnancy, birthing him, and nursing him, he was mistaken. I was open to Todd Chester, but I was not open to the baby going by Todd. He could go by his middle name. The argument was HEATED. I finally said “I want you to explain to me why I have been an equal partner in this marriage.

I have given you three beautiful children. I have been an equal partner in raising them. I grieved the loss of our last pregnancy right beside you. I was the one who underwent all the fertility treatments and the childbirths and will be the one taking on all the physical risk to have this baby. And after ALL OF THAT, you don’t want me to have any say in OUR SON’s name. Why is that ok?”

He was very quiet and said he needed time to calm down and we would discuss it again in a few weeks. Two weeks later, he came and said he had thought about it and he understood my position and was willing to compromise. He wanted us to come up with 3 potential middle names together. He wanted to choose the final middle name that he would go by. I said that was fine with me. So that’s what we did.

I realize it’s not the same bc my husband wasn’t grieving his father. But he was grieving for his grandfather, and he had planned to name his son Todd his entire life. So it was not a small thing to him at all. But I feel very strongly that if we are expected to give birth to a child and them be excluded from the naming entirely, then we are being treated like incubators for a man’s property. And I won’t be treated like that EVER. You’re NTA. Your husband is allowed to grieve. He isn’t allowed to treat you poorly in the process.

ImaginaryPark6311 −  Ok. For baby names, it’s 2 yes’s for a go and 1 no for a veto. You gotta tell him that you have an equal voice.

Necessary_Future_275 −  What about using her initials? Different name but exact same initials?

au5000 −  NTA. This is hard as your husband sounds like he’s still in full mourning for his mother and is unlikely to be as rational as he should at present.

I suggest you don’t discuss this immediately as he may calm down. Maybe make a list of names you like that incorporate MiL name as potential compromise. As you don’t mention the name it’s hard to see if it could be shortened etc for general use which you may like better. I think CM was used as an example, if not can use use Christa?

Both of you need to agree – it’s not one party’s prerogative though having carried the baby and being the one giving birth, its normal to feel your views are slightly ahead of his on this one. How do you usually resolve differences? This is a good chance to work out how you deal with conflict as a couple. Unless baby is coming this week this situation doesn’t need to be solved immediately.

Ways that won’t help conflict resolution are one party giving in, someone sulking or giving the silent treatment, yelling until they get their way.

BayAreaPupMom −  The issue is just as you stated: your husband is pulling the “but it’s my mom’s name, and that’s final” card and not listening to anything you have to say in the matter as the other parent. My husband lost his father tragically as a child. Father’s name was Joseph Matthew so we named our son Matthew Joseph (not real names). In this way, we honored his father but our son has a unique name.

Another custom is to take the first letter of the deceased person’s name and pick another name that starts with the same letter. Or, what I think is lovely would be the mother’s first name as your daughter’s middle name. It doesn’t have to be her full name. My oldest daughter’s middle name was the feminine version of my father’s name, who died before any of my kids were born.. NTA.

maddjaxmaddly −  My MIL died a month before I got pregnant with our daughter. There was a lot of talk that we should name her after MIL. I really disliked her name and luckily husband did not insist, but there was no way I would have saddled my daughter with that name.

Slightlysanemomof5 −  Make sure the hospital does not hand your husband the birth certificate to fill out. See a counselor. Naming a child after a dead relative is forcing a child to live their entire life under someone else’s shadow. Your child is their own person. If husband refuses counseling this is a hill I would die on.

Husband not allowed in delivery and you fill out birth certificate without husband there. Those are his options. Compromise or not be there for delivery and filling out paperwork. You are carrying and birthing this child, not husband, not his mother , your opinion matters.

DragonLadiesFire −  NTA. I think you offered a great compromise with the mothers name being a middle name for your daughter. “You’re being disrespectful to my mother, and I won’t tolerate it.” You offered a compromise. That shows you’re being respectful and willing to work with him. He seems to not be willing to compromise with you or respect you.

Significant_Rule2400 −  We only had one baby. We were sure on the first name but he wanted the middle after his grandmother. I gave in but in the end it didn’t really matter, it wasn’t a happy ending. The thing that caught me was your crying for days, I can’t stress this enough but stress is not good for your baby or your pregnancy.

NUredditNU −  NTA Your husband is being ridiculous. His family needs to mind their business. At the end of the day, you, the person carrying the baby is the only one who HAS to be there when she comes. If he wants to act dumb like this, he can stay home.