AITAH for refusing to help my mom financially after she paid for my brother’s wedding?

A Reddit user shared their frustration after their mother, who spent over $25,000 on their brother’s wedding, asked them for financial help to cover her bills. Despite barely managing their own expenses as a college student, the user feels pressured by their mother and extended family, who claim they owe her support.

The user is struggling to reconcile their own financial struggles with feelings of resentment over the perceived favoritism shown to their brother. Read the full story below to decide if they’re in the wrong.

‘ AITAH for refusing to help my mom financially after she paid for my brother’s wedding?’

Hi everyone, I (21F) need some honest opinions because I’m feeling really torn and don’t know if I’m in the wrong here. For some background, my mom (49F) and I have always had a complicated relationship. She’s a single mom, and growing up, she always favored my older brother (28M).

He’s the “golden child” who could do no wrong, while I’ve always felt like the afterthought. My brother got married last year, and my mom went all out for his wedding. She paid for the venue, catering, decorations—you name it. I’m not sure of the exact amount, but I overheard her telling someone it was over $25,000.

Mind you, my mom isn’t rich. She used her savings and even took out a loan to help cover the costs. Fast forward to now: I’m in college, working part-time, and trying to stay afloat. My mom recently approached me, asking if I could help her with some of her bills.

She said money is tight because of the loan payments, and she’s struggling to keep up. I told her no. It’s not that I don’t care, but I barely make enough to cover my own expenses. Plus, I can’t help but feel resentful that she spent so much money on my brother’s wedding—money she didn’t really have—and is now asking me to bail her out.

When I mentioned this, she got really upset and said I was being selfish and ungrateful. She brought up how she’s “always supported me” and how I “owe her” for everything she’s done for me growing up. But the thing is, I never asked her to pay for my brother’s wedding, and I don’t see why I should be responsible for fixing the financial mess she created.

My brother, by the way, isn’t helping her at all. He says he has his own bills and that it’s “not his problem.” But somehow, I’m the bad guy here? My mom has even started telling family members about this, and now some of them are calling me out for not stepping up. So, AITAH for refusing to help my mom financially?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

DontWasteMyTime2121 −  Tell her “no, you’ve always supported brother, it’s time he paid back the $25,000+ that put you in this position to begin with.”

UnicornSquash9 −  NTA. If your mom needs help repaying the bills for that wedding, then the people involved in that wedding need to help. Kindly say that you are just barely able to cover your bills and can’t help with hers. Her reaction to that is beyond your control. Sometimes our families aren’t our friends.

Amazing-Wave4704 −  NTA. block anyone who gives you s**t. F**k them. Not. A. Penny.

Peggy-Wanker −  Lmao we could play fake story bingo with this one!!

BeginningAd9070 −  Tell the nosy ass family members you’ll be letting her know that she should expect a Venmo payment from each of them since they’re so damned concerned. She’s not even helping you pay for college but she expects you to pay her bills? Tell her to get a second job. Stupid games = stupid prizes.

mtngrl60 −  Of course you are NTA. Your response to this every single time should be… I am a 21-year-old student. You are not paying for my college. But you thought it was a good idea to overextend yourself for my almost 30-year-old brother to get married.

You do not get to try and tell me I am ungrateful for you doing the bare minimum as a parent. Feeding, housing, clothing and educating me are the bare minimum as a parent that will keep you out of jail. I don’t owe you for that. That was literally your job.

So go to my a**hole brother who somehow thought it was OK to take advantage of you and ask him to help you. But don’t ask me again. I don’t owe you s**t. Now please bear in mind that I am a 64-year-old woman. I’m old enough to be your grandmother. And I meant every single word I said there.

Your mother did the bare minimum. She played favorites. For whatever reason. The only reason you’re here asking us if you’re the a**hole is your buying into her b**lshit. And I’m telling you to stop it immediately.  You need to start understanding that the dynamic in your family has always been that you are “less than”.

But that is not true. That is just some b**lshit. Your mom came up with her head to make herself feel better about whatever. But it does affect you as a child. As a child of someone, you always want their love. You always want their respect. You always hope things will get better. You always try a little harder, hoping that that will earn you their love.

You tried to be good. You try to get good grades. You try not to make waves. But you’re old enough now to understand that this was never a YOU problem. It has always been your mother’s problem that she has managed to instill in your mind you are responsible for.
So now it’s time to start unlearning.

If you’re in university, find out if there are options for mental health for you. Get into some therapy to understand this dynamic better so that you don’t fall into it anymore. It will take time. It will take practice. You will have days when you waiver and days when you want to tell her just FU. And that’s all OK.

But the more you practice, not allowing her to manipulate and guilt you, the better you will be at it. And if she sends flying monkey family members your way, you remind them that you are paying for your own school. You are only working part time. And that your mother is in the situation.

She is in because of your brother and her. And they are the ones that need to fix this because you can’t. And if you have relatives to keep pushing, tell them that you’ve already explained to them that you literally can’t do this, but since they’re so adamant about it, you’re going to call your mom right now and tell her that they are going to help her.

I promise, they will shut up so fast it will make your head spin. Go low contact if you can. You don’t need this nonsense in your life. And I want you to take one minute and think about this… If this was just a good family friend.

Someone older that had been like an aunt to you that you knew all your life, and they were trying to make you feel guilty that they were in debt for their own child’s wedding, what would you do? What would you say? What you would say is I’m sorry you’re in that position, but I can’t help you.

You’re going to need to talk to your child whose wedding you funded. And you would go on with your day because you would know wholeheartedly that it had nothing to do with you. Well, just because it’s your mom, it’s no different. Family doesn’t get some sort of special pass for being assholes.

In fact, they need to be penalized harder for being assholes because they are the ones who are supposed to be your biggest support.
So move on with your day.

Anytime your mind wants to make you think of somehow your mother’s bank or emotional support animal, you reread your post and reread all of these answers. Pretty soon, it will sink into you that you really don’t need this in your life. Because it’s not adding anything positive to it anyway.

Significant-Jello-35 −  You need to tell everyone the stuff you wrote here. And tell them why should you be the ine to help her? Why is your brother not called ungrateful??

It is on him to help pay the koan your Mom took for him. Stick to your gun and dont jeopardize your financial situation. You are not having it easy too now. Care for yourself. NTA

joe-lefty500 −  You don’t actually have the money to lend her. Tell her that plainly. Her extravagance is really her problem and shaming you by saying she supported you is appalling and disgusting. Maybe time to reevaluate the relationship. NTA

Savings_Ad3556 −  I find it shocking how many people go into debt for a party that will more than likely last longer than their marriage.

VegetableBusiness897 −  Ummm….. She was legally responsible for you (and all your bills) growing up. You don’t owe her anything up to your 18th birthday.

Is the Reddit user right to stand their ground, or should they try to support their mother despite her past decisions? How would you handle being asked for financial help in a situation like this? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below!