AITAH for refusing to go to a meeting with the man who molested my wife when she was a child and not being receptive to any sort of apology from him?

A husband (33M) struggles with his wife’s (33F) request to meet the cousin who harmed her as a child. While the cousin has taken accountability, sought therapy, and expressed remorse, the husband remains deeply angry about the harm caused to his wife and cannot accept an apology.

Recently, the cousin’s girlfriend asked to meet with the wife to understand the situation better, and the cousin requested the husband attend. The husband declined, expressing his ongoing resentment and unwillingness to be part of the conversation,

which upset his wife. She feels he’s making the situation about his emotions instead of supporting her perspective and efforts to move forward. read the original story below…

‘ AITAH for refusing to go to a meeting with the man who molested my wife when she was a child and not being receptive to any sort of apology from him ?’

I’m a 33-year-old husband and dad to two little girls (ages three and one). My wife and I have been together since college and married for four years. Shortly after our engagement, she confided something deeply personal about her past: when she was six, she was harmed by an older cousin.

This was a devastating revelation, and while I admire her strength, I still struggle with my emotions about it. Her cousin took responsibility for his actions as a child, went through the juvenile court system, sought therapy, and has expressed genuine remorse.

Over the years, my wife has found it in her heart to forgive him and has even had meetings with him to talk about the past. Despite this, we’ve agreed not to have our children around him, as she and her brother don’t feel comfortable taking that step.

Recently, her cousin called her to explain that his new girlfriend wants to understand the full story. My wife agreed to meet them to explain her experiences and the impact of what happened while also sharing how her cousin has taken accountability.

She asked if I would join because her cousin wanted to apologize to me. I declined, explaining that I’m not in a place where I can accept an apology or meet him.

I also told her that if the purpose of the meeting is to paint a fuller picture for his girlfriend, I might inadvertently make things worse because I still feel angry about the harm he caused her. I find it difficult to see past that, even knowing his own history of being a victim and the steps he’s taken to make amends.

This upset my wife. She feels I’m making the situation about my emotions rather than supporting her perspective. She also didn’t like that I brought up our daughters, saying I used her protective instincts against her. She’s been distant since our conversation, and I’m wondering if I’m wrong for holding on to my anger and refusing to attend the meeting.

Check out how the community responded:

Logical_Ruse −  I think this is above Reddit’s pay grade. Your feelings are your own and they aren’t wrong, so are your wife’s. While it may be your wife’s trauma it is only right that you have your own feelings about it. It’s not like her trauma has nothing to do with you, you live with her while she lives with it.

You’re the one who supports your wife through the night terrors and other ptsd symptoms. You’ve seen how this has affected someone you love and while logically you can have sympathy for a messed up kid who messed up but did their best to make up for it, emotionally is a very different story.

So I think it’s a NAH. My recommendation would be couples counseling so you both can understand each other a bit better. No one here is wrong for how they feel and having boundaries, like sitting down with her cousin, isn’t wrong either.

shammy_dammy −  NTA. Your wife can go visit him all she wants. But she doesn’t get to dictate whether or not you do.

starsofreality −  NTA Your wife is a professional in this department. This is her choice. I don’t think you should have to go see him or interact with him. You do not have any obligation to have any interaction with this person. I would express this is my boundary and you do not wish to cross it.

If she feels she wants to help this guy get a girlfriend that’s her choice. I personally think your wife could use some therapy. She seems to be taking on a lot because of what happened to her and does she know if it’s out of obligation or not.

Knoxsmama21 −  I don’t think your wife forgives him like hey, it’s no big deal, let’s move on. She forgives him because it’s the only way she can move past it in her own life. She will never forget, but holding on to the rage and anger and hate for years can destroy a person too. Her forgiving him isn’t for him being able to move forward…. It’s for her. 💜

Housing99 −  NTA. What she went through is about her. If she forgives him is about her. If she meets with him is about her. How you feel about him is about you. If you want to meet with him or not if about you. You can logically look at it and say yeah, he was a kid who did all the right things later…

but he still seriously hurt someone I love and I have feelings about that. You’re allowed to choose not to socialize with him. You’re not stopping her from going but she’s trying to make you do something you’re not comfortable with. Your feelings are your own and it sounds like you’re right that it wouldn’t end well if you went.

YuansMoon −  I won’t call you an AH, but you’ve eloquently described how your anger toward her abuser cousin is now affecting her and your relationship. It might be time for you to get some therapeutic help.

I’ve been where you’re at (somewhat) and it feels like if you give up the anger you’re somehow minimizing what happened to your wife, her pain, her struggles, and his culpability. I know that feeling well. But the anger that you holding on to to protect your wife could be hurting her by hurting your relationship.. Just something to thing about.

Hot-Temporary-2465 −  Genuine question: Why is he apologizing to you?

Lazy-Instruction-600 −  NTA. As someone who was molested by a family member as a child, this has now become partly your experience. Your empathy for what your wife told you created pain in you too. She can process her pain in her way and you can process your pain in your own way too.

It isn’t making her trauma about you. It’s realizing that, as her husband and life partner, you take on some of that pain. Just like you can’t tell her not to go, she cannot be angry that you are not now, and may never be, ready to talk to her cousin.

Illustrious_North336 −  If your wife’s visit with cousin and gf goes well, gf might decide to marry and have kids with cousin. I don’t think your wife knows him well enough to now vouch for him, which is what he is asking her to do.

Your wife has built up an image of him and her mind that is someone who is worth being forgiven. But a future child in that home could be in great Danger.

KarayanLucine −  NTA Your reaction is normal. Tell wife the truth. She should worry about you not having a reaction. That means you dont care. I swear being a person who holds someone responsible for their actions is something to be damned for. This man has done something that lasts lifetime, he should be shunned for a lifetime.

This is a complex and deeply personal situation where both perspectives carry weight. The husband is justified in his feelings of anger and protectiveness but may need to balance those emotions with his wife’s journey of forgiveness and closure. What do you think? Share your thoughts below!