AITAH For refusing to go along to events or vacations if my wife’s severely autistic cousin is going?

A 40-year-old man explains why he refuses to attend events or vacations if his wife’s severely autistic cousin, who has the mental capacity of a 7-year-old, is involved. The cousin’s presence often dictates the group’s plans—leaving early when he’s bored, abandoning attractions, or catering entirely to his preferences.

OP sympathizes with the cousin’s situation, but feels it’s unfair to disrupt everyone else’s experience, especially when plans are expensive. OP now tells his MIL upfront that if the cousin is going, they won’t attend, leading to family backlash. He feels the cousin isn’t his responsibility, but the family thinks he’s being inconsiderate. read the original story below…

‘ AITAH For refusing to go along to events or vacations if my wife’s severely autistic cousin is going?’

Basically the title. I won’t write some long diatribe backstory. My wife and I are 40. She has a mostly non-verbal autistic cousin. He is in his mid 20’s but has the mental capacity of 7 or 8.

He caught a raw deal because his parents refused any type of therapy while he was growing up and refused to acknowledge his autism. My MIL insists on bringing him along any time she can, but never says anything. My issue is that any time he is in the group, everything is dictated by him.

Pay for a vacation? We have to do everything he wants to do. Pay to go to this attraction? Well he is bored after 20 minutes and we have to leave. Pay for a movie? Same scenario. I have started making it a caveat to my MIL that if he is going, we will not be.

And that if she spring it on us the day of for an event or as she has done for vacations, they day before, then we will cancel. Now the family thinks I am the a**hole. I feel for him. Because it is not his fault. I feel, though, he is not my responsibility or burden to work around.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Ornery-Platypus-1 −  NTA. He’s not your child or charge, and you and your wife shouldn’t have to shoulder that burden (financial or otherwise) on your vacations.

Con4America −  NTA. This is the only way to handle it. Start planning your own vacations. If you do go, do the things you want to and ignore them. They can leave the attraction but you are staying. Same with movies or anything else you do. It is their problem, not yours.

Key-Lie7099 −  NTA. You are not his father or caretaker. Especially if the vacations that you’re taking that YOU are paying for are being overran. You’re grown adults who can decide what you want to do in life and this just isn’t one of those things. As long as your wife is on board (if she isn’t, you’re still a grown man who can make your own decisions), then I see nothing wrong here.

VegetableBusiness897 −  I would double down and tell her you won’t be talking him in when they are too old to care for him!

Fredredphooey −  NTA. Just because he needs to leave the movie, or activity, it doesn’t mean everyone else needs to, just his mom or minder. Why isn’t your wife handling this?

trolleydip −  Sorry OP, I’m confused. If you want to go on a vacation, what is stopping you and your wife from doing your own thing? Or going to a movie. You know you have to agree to his/MIL demands in order for things to do what he wants to do… You have legs, your own wallet.

NTA for not wanting to go. But also, you could just go on a vacation with the family, make plans, and enjoy your vacation, whilst they tag along with him, pay for him etc. By cancelling your plans, and agreeing to work around him, you are giving more power to MILs ridiculous way of navigating family get togethers.

Dizzy-Bench2784 −  NTA

Careless_Sympathy751 −  NTA. But as somebody with more than one person on the spectrum in my family, I’m a little irritated that there’s not another option here. He should be welcome to come to everything because nothing should stop operating just because he has to stop operating.

If one singular person needs to be his support person on a trip to take him to the side or let him decompress so he can come back to the group that’s perfectly fine and healthy, but the entire trip should never be stopped just because he’s having a moment.

Not only is that incredibly unfair to everyone else but it’s also really bad for him to set up president that he should just give up when things are difficult instead of using coping mechanisms to continue operating in the world.

If y’all go somewhere and he needs to leave early, it shouldn’t mean that everyone needs to leave early. It’s so sad that the only options the family is giving you is for you to be miserable or for him to be left out when he could be included in a way that doesn’t have to affect you, but he also can still be treated like a person and included in family activities.

It sounds like they are one of those families where they say they accept the autism, but only when it’s not making things uncomfortable for them. If they are not willing to be in public with him and navigate the situation then no you’re NTA for not wanting to bring him but omg they s**k. You don’t but they do.

BlueGreen_1956 −  NTA. He is not your problem. You took the only viable path to keep your sanity.

Princess_blue_ −  NTA. It sounds like you’re in a tough situation, and it’s understandable that you’re frustrated. You’ve been clear that your issue isn’t with your wife’s cousin personally—it’s with how his presence dictates *every* event or vacation when he’s there.

It’s not fair to expect you to pay for experiences that get cut short or are entirely centered around his needs while ignoring yours. Everyone has a right to enjoy their time and money, and it sounds like you’re not getting that when he’s involved.

Is OP justified in setting this boundary, or is he being harsh toward a family member with special needs? How would you handle a situation like this? Share your thoughts below!