AITAH For Refusing To Get Rid Of The Evidence Of My Ex’s Infidelity?

A Reddit user (52M) is dealing with fallout from a painful divorce after discovering that his ex-wife (52F) had been unfaithful for years. The infidelity came to light when one of her lovers sent him evidence of their affair, which he used in the divorce proceedings.

However, he kept the evidence and recently shared with his youngest daughter (21F) that he still has it. His ex-wife, Candi, demanded that he destroy the evidence, but he refused, claiming it was legally his to keep. This has caused tension between him and his children, with his daughter Marie siding with her mother, while his other children, Tom and Laura, have differing opinions. To read the full story and understand the family dynamics, check out the original post below.

‘ AITAH For Refusing To Get Rid Of The Evidence Of My Ex’s Infidelity?’

The article has the next update at the end.

I (52m) used to be married to my ex “Candi” (52f) and I loved her very much. We met in our teens when she moved into the neighborhood right before high school and I instantly had a crush on her but didn’t actually make a move until our senior year. We got married shortly after she graduate college and had three children together “Laura” (26f), “Tom” (23m), and “Marie” (21f).

Our marriage wasn’t perfect but I thought Candi was happy with the family and life we created. However, I was wrong. Candi was bored with me and wanted more excitement, but instead of confessing her feelings and thoughts to me she went looking elsewhere.

According to her, it all started when Candi and her friends went on a Girl’s Trip to Vegas for a weekend where she got drunk and had some fun with two male str*ppers. Candi said that while nothing happened beyond second based it awakened something in her and she regretted not going further.

A year after that she started going to bars and clubs for excitement and eventually started h*oking up with other men and at least two of her girlfriends would cover for her. I was never the wiser and probably would still be married to Candi if one of her lovers hadn’t secretly documented their moments together. He was mad that she had another guy on the side and mailed the evidence to me as revenge.

I was sick at seeing all the things that I did and didn’t respond well. I filed for divorce and my lawyer used some of the evidence that I was given in court but not all of it because it wasn’t necessary. I still have all the evidence that I was given and just kept it in the attic. Recently my youngest made some not so great choices with an ex boyfriend and I ended up having to get a lawyer for her.

I am amazed at how much the laws have changed but and I’m glad my daughter is protected. After it was over I had a serious sit down with her and told her to be more mindful and that she should always be prepared for this to hang over her head even if the law is on her side because some guys just don’t care.

This was a long and deep conversation and I admitted to Marie about how I found out her mom cheated and let it slip that I still had the evidence. Two days later Candi was banging at my door demanding that I give her everything I had and yelled at me for keeping it. I reminded her that those things were given to me and it was made before the law prohibited it so as long as I don’t upload and share it anywhere, or sell it to anyone, I’m legally in the clear.

Candi went crying to our adult children, Marie is fully on her side which is expected but Tom and Laura are a little different. When asked why, I told my children that I keep it as a reminder of why I should never care about their mother. Tom feels that since I’ve never done anything with it before and so long as I don’t, that it’s okay, while Laura says that she prefers I trash it she won’t cut me off like Marie threatened so I’m asking AITAH?.

Edit for typos. Edit 2: The amount of people here who keep asking me the same question as if I didn’t already answer in the post is annoying. You can keep asking me “why do I still have it” but just know that going further I will ignore it. You not liking the answer or not understanding it isn’t my problem.

I’d also like to thank the people who rightfully pointed it out that I should hang on to it for legal purposes since it is technically evidence was a good idea and I have since explained it to my oldest two who will pass it along to my ex wife and my youngest.

Also, please stop insulting my youngest daughter or saying that she’s just like her mom and deserved what she went through. My ex was recorded doing something she shouldn’t with someone she should not have, that was her choice and what came out from it is on her.

Marie never sent anything to her ex, he recorded her when she was with him without her knowing and only told her when she tried to break up with him as a way to keep her in the relationship. Marie is understandably very sensitive to this issue so I’m giving her space and I don’t believe that she’d actually cut me off.

Update here: https://aita.pics/bjgLt

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Wonderful-Air-8877 −  just say you disposed of it, put it on the other corner of the attic.

ForeverYoungChic −  “Never underestimate the power of a scorned lover with a mailbox and a grudge. Sorry Candi, your actions have consequences and those consequences may include your ex-husband keeping some souvenirs.”

Astyryx −  Put it on a thumb drive and ask you lawyer if they can keep it with the case files, even the stuff that wasn’t used. Tell your kids this is what you have done. That way it’s out of your life and mind. You don’t need an ex’s p*rn. As a reminder of why I should never care about their mother. That’s just stupid. Unless you’re a goldfish, how likely are you to forget?

derekbaseball −  If you have a will, have your lawyer keep the evidence, sealed, with the signed and witnessed original of the will. If you don’t have a will, get one drawn up. Leave instructions in your will that the evidence be destroyed upon settlement of your estate (so if for some reason your ex was to challenge your estate it would still exist). If your ex predeceases you, you can instruct your lawyer to destroy it earlier.

This way, the evidence is not in your hands, but it is also not destroyed, and there is the assurance that it will be destroyed in the future and won’t accidentally wind up online.

wazeltov −  I’m of two minds on this. I’m assuming that the laws you are referring to are revenge porn laws where it is illegal to disseminate s**ually explicit media without the consent of everyone involved. And, it sounds like your youngest daughter just went through an intense falling out where she had her ex boyfriend break those laws, which was very upsetting to her.

Obviously, my heart goes out to your daughter as she certainly felt victimized and vulnerable from her n**ed pictures being distributed without her consent. I can understand why she is being empathetic towards her mother’s situation, as they do resemble each other. Her mom doesn’t want you to have those videos and she’s in them.

However, there are some meaningful differences between the two situations. The media you have is evidence of infidelity, and you have not distributed the media in any way, nor plan to. But, there’s always the chance that you could, even if you never would, and that possibility is the real issue here. I think you’re NTA as of right now, but I do think you need to come up with a plan to extricate your need to have evidence that your ex wife cheated on you from the physical copies of the s**ually explicit media.

Even though your wife is an awful person, I don’t think making her live with the knowledge that you have that kind of s**ually explicit media of her is admirable on your part, especially with your daughter recently going through something similar. It seems very slightly hypocritical that you understood that you needed to pursue justice for your daughter and then keep her mother’s s**ually explicit media that you received under similar circumstances.

Again, you’re not the a hole because your reasoning seems well intentioned and there’s been no harm done, but the cat is out of the bag that you own these materials. I think the right thing to do would be to find a way to keep the evidence that you need (i.e. any written documents, non-pornographic media) while removing the s**ually explicit portions.

Mysterious-Camp-5870 −  NTA. People who are that m**ipulative and deceitful have a way of weasling back into your good graces only to take advantage again. While she could just be indignant that you have sensitive materials of her, she might also be outraged knowing it’s a salient defense from getting back into your good graces or that you have concrete evidence your wife was the transgressor if it comes up down the road.

Personally, I would find the one, most strong piece of evidence that you can look at and say, “yep, that happened, s**ew her.” and sequester it, so you still have all the things above, then destroy the rest of it and let Marie see the remains as proof. Don’t turn them over to be used as collateral against you, don’t provide the destruction evidence to your ex, just either involve Marie in the destruction or give her the remains so she can pass it along.

BeachinLife1 −  The only reason I could possibly see for keeping it would be if she started lying to your kids or anyone else about why your marriage ended. You could then tell her that you have evidence to the contrary, and that she needed to tell the truth or you will. Now that your kids know their mom is a c**ater, I think that evidence has served its purpose and it’s time to let it go.

Amazing_Variety5684 −  As someone who has been in your shoes–you need to let it go. You’re divorced now. The kids are adults. You won. There is no reason to keep it. Will it help to keep it? Do you need this to remember her infidelity?

BobbingBobcat −  Keeping revenge porn to remind you why you shouldn’t care for your ex?. Dude, you need therapy.

Demanda_22 −  retire shame humorous psychotic paltry provide snails simplistic drab license.