AITAH for refusing to care for my aging mother after everything she put me through growing up?
A Reddit user shared their emotional dilemma about refusing to care for their aging mother, citing years of emotional neglect and harsh criticism during their upbringing.
With their siblings pressuring them to step up as the “logical choice” for caregiving, they question whether they’re being selfish or setting healthy boundaries. Read the full story below.
‘ AITAH for refusing to care for my aging mother after everything she put me through growing up?’
My mother (60F) was never what you’d call nurturing. Growing up, I was the “difficult” child at least, that’s what she always said. I didn’t fit the mold of what she wanted. While my siblings were praised for even the smallest achievements, I was constantly criticized, told I’d never measure up, and had my self-esteem torn down bit by bit.
She’d make snide remarks about my appearance, my friends, even my interests, calling them “silly” or “a waste of time.” For years, I felt like I was in a competition I could never win. I moved out at 21, and that’s when I finally started to heal.
I went to therapy, worked on building a life I was proud of, and limited contact with her to family gatherings and polite phone calls. Despite everything, I tried to maintain some level of connection, hoping one day she’d acknowledge the damage she’d done. But it never came.
Instead, whenever we spoke, she’d criticize my choices or give backhanded compliments about my lifestyle or career. She’d say things like, “It’s nice you’re doing well, even if you took the long way to get there.” Now, my mother’s health is declining, and she can’t live alone.
My siblings, each with young kids, are asking me to take her in. They insist that since I don’t have children, I’m the “logical choice” and owe it to her for everything she “sacrificed.” But when I think about caring for her, all I remember is the pain she put me through.
I remember her telling me I’d never amount to anything, that I was a burden. It’s hard to feel compassion after years of emotional wounds she never apologized for, much less acknowledged. I told my siblings I’d help financially if she needs support but won’t be her primary caregiver.
They’re furious, saying I’m selfish, bitter, and abandoning her over “grudges.” They keep bringing up how she “raised” me, but it doesn’t feel like I was ever truly raised more like survived. Now, my mother’s been calling, leaving tearful voicemails, saying she’s lonely and doesn’t understand why her “only daughter” won’t step up.
Part of me feels guilty, but I also feel like I’m finally standing up for myself. I don’t know if I’m being cruel or if this is me setting long-overdue boundaries.. AITA for refusing to care for her?
See what others had to share with OP:
alsomikenolan − Don’t let anyone guilt you into sacrificing your own happiness for someone who has repeatedly hurt you.
nepheleb − The “only daughter” comment is telling. She probably treated you so poorly do to your cardinal sin of being born a girl /s
And your siblings (brothers I assume) are pressuring you to care for her because you’re a girl.. NTA. Stand firm.
StrawberryTwinkle1 − NTA. You’re not cruel for setting boundaries after years of emotional harm. Offering financial help is enough. Your siblings are unfairly pressuring you, and you’re right to prioritize your mental health.
Illustrious_Bus9486 − NTA. I went through similar myself. I left at 18. When I was 32, I foolishly let her manipulate me into returning to help her. Don’t do it. Let one of those “better” siblings give up their lives.
Horror_Outside5676 − \[ I’m the “logical choice” and owe it to her for everything she “sacrificed.” \] People don’t ask to be born. If she sacrificed, that was on her. You are not required to take care of her just because she had kids, and after what you tell us about her, I don’t blame you.
So, just because your siblings have kids, now you are the one who has to deal with this? No. Your siblings can take her in. Just because someone is related to you, doesn’t mean you have to like them or care for them. Live your best life.
MomLovedCoffee − Don’t let them guilt you. You do not have to house someone who will disrupt your peace. Sounds like her golden child(ren) need to step up. If it’s not a burden or difficult, then they should definitely be able to take on that responsibility as well. NTA. I wouldn’t even offer financial assistance, they probably aren’t.
Lower_Discussion4897 − She’ll revert to attacking your sense of worth as soon as you let her back into your life, and then you’re stuck.
What she did to you is actually very serious, really n**ty behaviour.. NTA.
TheVaneja − NTA stop speaking with them and don’t contribute anything. They use you, they don’t care about you.
Historical_Heron4801 − NTA. Look, I don’t mean to sound brash, but in what way is her health declining? Because at 60, my grandmother still had another 35 years left in her. If you relent in this you could be doing it for a loooong time.
noonecaresat805 − Nta. Your brothers can take her in. And if you feel like it you can give them some financial support. Being a woman doesn’t automatically make you a caregiver. Or the person responsible for taking care of everyone else.
Actions have consequences this is your moms for not being a decent human being with you. I’m sure it’s the same reason why your brothers and their partners don’t want them living with her. Still doesn’t make her your problem.
Do you think the Redditor is justified in setting boundaries after a painful upbringing, or should they prioritize familial obligations regardless of the past? How would you handle such a deeply personal decision? Share your perspective in the comments below!