AITAH for refusing to attend a themed family reunion after a DNA test revealed I’m not related?

A person recently took a DNA test to learn more about their heritage, only to discover they are not biologically related to their family. Upon confronting their parents, they learned they were adopted, a fact their parents had kept secret.

Feeling betrayed and unsure about their place in the family, they chose not to attend an upcoming family reunion with a “Back to Our Roots” theme. The family is upset, arguing that family isn’t just about blood and accusing them of ruining a joyful occasion. Read the original story below for more details.

‘ AITAH for refusing to attend a themed family reunion after a DNA test revealed I’m not related?’

Last year, my family decided to organize a massive reunion with a “Back to Our Roots” theme, celebrating our shared heritage. Everyone was excited, and there were plans for cultural foods, traditional clothing, and even a genealogist to talk about our family tree. Given the theme, I thought it would be fun to do one of those DNA tests to learn more about my specific heritage.

Well, the results were shocking—I discovered I’m not biologically related to my family. It turns out I was adopted, something my parents never told me. When I confronted them, they admitted that they wanted to protect me from feeling different as my adoption circumstances were complicated.

Feeling betrayed and lost, I told my family I wouldn’t be attending the reunion. They were upset and argued that family isn’t just about blood. They said I was ruining a joyful occasion and being unreasonable, especially since they have always treated me as their own. So, AITAH for not wanting to participate in a reunion that celebrates a heritage that isn’t mine, right after such a monumental personal discovery?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Lolololawasashowgirl −  You get to do whatever you want in this situation. You’re hurt and you have every right to be. However, don’t let reddit trick you into thinking that going no contact and refusing to attend events is a helpful response. Isolation in hard times leads to more and more hurt.

The way I see it, you deserve so much joy and love and beauty. You deserve so much happiness. Your mind right now is telling that you are “other” and it wants to, I’m guessing, punish your family by removing your presence. That’s one interpretation. Another is that you deserve happiness and joy and can claim this party officially as the first time owning this culture and your roots from a place of knowing your truth.

Either is okay. You do what you need to do for you. But isolation rarely heals wounds. Edit to add: Thank you to those DMing me suggesting that I study to be a therapist lol. I trained as a therapist for 7 years but now work full time in clinical research.

During my internship several years ago (which is basically residency for psychologists) I had a few clients who posted on AITA and received advice that led them to be extremely isolated which exacerbated their existing mental health symptoms.

I was thinking of them last night and decided to create an account to try to prevent people from receiving the kind of advice my clients did. It has been such a beautiful and healing experience to witness the response to OP surrounding them with support- which they deserve and need during this time!

jadepumpkin1984 −  Look it’s up to you. My dad was adopted. We consider ourselves X last name through and through regardless of the blood ties to that name. Family is who shows up.

tklishlipa −  These people raised and loved you. They taught you everything and made you who you are. Wether you are blood related or not. You might not enjoy your real roots and have zero connections to them.

Look at it this way: you can have two roots to celbrate or one if your real blood family is not interested or favourable. But you could also loose everything. Your adoptive family love you and considers you as one of them- don’t throw it away

IanDOsmond −  You are hurt for not being told you are adopted, but you were adopted, and that means that the heritage is yours. You belong at that family reunion as much as anyone. It is ironic that your parents wanting you to not feel different is what is making you feel different.

Because you aren’t different. Adopted children are just as much part of the family and heritage as bio children. Be upset and feel betrayed at your parents keeping this from you – that is fine and reasonable. But don’t let this throw you into thinking that you don’t belong or that that isn’t your family or your heritage.

I absolutely would demand an apology from my parents and an acknowledgement that they made a mistake and did exactly the opposite thing of what they intended to do. And then, after they apologized, I would go to the reunion with them, because they are my parents and that is my family.

Bugsy_girl252 −  I’m adopted and one thing my parents always said to me was “we picked you, your siblings just showed up” 😂 Being adopted can be and is for me the greatest gift. My life would have been completely different not in a good way if I hadn’t been adopted. I hope you find peace with it. It sounds like your family loves you.

sdbinnl −  Yta – as an adopted child myself I get where you are coming from but SO WHAT. They took you in, they WANTED you, they housed,fed,loved,disciplined, guided and are your family. Family is not just about a bloodline, it’s about the warmth the nurturing the growth.

To then toss that back in their face is incredibly selfish – did you hate your life, do you hate them?!?! Be part of the celebration of the culture you were raised in and then, take the time to find out about your bloodline roots. Look at it as having two heritages, some people have nothing

ContactNo7201 −  You are angry that you were not told. Please try to get some help to work through these feelings. Your parents did what they thought was best for you and not out of malice. Not trying to hurt you. Years ago, this was the norm – not telling the children.

They may well had been advised not to tell you or tell you when they felt you were ready and that “right time” never happened, in their opinion. The guidance is now different. Of course you have every right to feel your emotions. You just found out while they knew for years. It is fresh and raw for you – you need to sign through these feelings and finding a professional to help guide you would very much help.

If you don’t feel ready to go to the reunion, then don’t. But these people are still your family. People who live and care about you. Who chose you, purposefully went out to bring you in to the family unit to love and nurture you. You may not share the blood, but you share everything else. I wish you every success working this out.

AwaySecret6609 −  YTA. You may not be genetically related, but you are culturally and emotionally connected to those people. Have you ever heard of the phrase, “A family of choice?”. Well, they chose you. These are the people who raised you and cared for you. At the end of the day, they are your family. Oh, and since you bring it up: Heritage does not mean genetics.

* valued objects and qualities such as cultural traditions, unspoiled countryside, and historic buildings that have been passed down from previous generations:”a sense of history and heritage” · “the richness of our diverse cultural heritage”

Turbulent_Ebb5669 −  But it is your heritage. You were brought up in it, dna matching or not. You need to take some time to process this new information. They chose you.

Elfwitch014 −  I am adopted but unlike you I always knew. Being adopted does make you part of a family in every way that really matters. Legally an adopted child has the same rights as a biological child. The issue is not about being adopted it is about hiding it from you. Of course you feel betrayed and confused about your identity. Wondering who you really are.

This is all a very normal reaction to this. If your family has always treated you the same as everyone else and it sounds like they did from your excitement of finding out your genealogy then don’t give up on them. They love you and you love them. If I was you I would seek therapy to help you adjust with all your emotions finding this out.

If going to the reunion is too painful right now then don’t go. Take whatever time and space you need. I can understand the disappointment of not knowing your biological genealogy. For years I felt rather depressed when people would talk about where their families came from. This was before the ancestry DNA tests came out.

I decided I didn’t actually need to know where my ancestors came from because it would not change who I am which is an American born in South Carolina and raised in Florida. I consider my adoptive family to be my family and I love learning about my family’s history.

I know it is common for some adopted children to want to know about their biological parents and if that is important to you then you should ask your parents to tell you everything they know. If you want to find them then they should support you. It is not a betrayal to want to know.

Personally for me I never had a lot of desire to find them because while they may have made me which I am grateful for they didn’t comfort me when I was scared or hurt. They were not the ones who patiently worked with me in third grade to learn my multiplication tables. They didn’t teach me how to ride a bike.

I was the oldest I had the first grandchild. My father considered him his first grandson and loved him as much as his biological grandchildren. Try to think of all the time they were there for you helped you taught you comforted you. Just know what ever you are feeling is okay.

Discovering that your family isn’t biologically related to you is a huge revelation, and it’s understandable to need time to process that. The family’s argument that “family isn’t just about blood” is a valid perspective, but the person’s feelings of betrayal are equally important. How would you have handled such a revelation? Share your thoughts below!