AITAH for only paying for one of my daughter’s weddings and downpayment?
A father faces serious backlash from his children after he decides to help one daughter with her wedding expenses but refuses to extend the same offer to his other daughter. What happens when fairness becomes a point of contention in a family?
Briefly introduce the family dynamic and the central issue—the dad helped his eldest daughter Sarah financially, but when it comes to his younger daughter Jessica, he draws a hard line. This sets up the drama that unfolds throughout the post.
‘AITAH for only paying for one of my daughter’s weddings and downpayment?’
This post have a new update: UPDATE: AITAH for only paying for one of my daughter’s weddings and downpayment?
“Do children deserve equal financial treatment, or should parents weigh individual circumstances?”
Insight from Professionals:
Financial Favoritism in Families: According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, financial favoritism can significantly impact family dynamics, causing rifts and feelings of inequality among siblings. Dr. Elizabeth Segal, a professor at Arizona State University, states, “When parents provide financial support in an uneven manner, it can create long-term tensions between siblings, particularly if one feels they received more or less support than others.” Dr. Segal’s research highlights that financial decisions should consider each child’s individual situation rather than a blanket approach of equal distribution (Segal, 2020). In this case, Jessica’s feelings of resentment stem from her perception that Sarah was given an unfair advantage, even though the larger financial aid Jessica received for college should be taken into account.
Setting Financial Boundaries with Adult Children: Dr. Laura Markham, a psychologist and parenting expert, has written extensively on the importance of setting boundaries with adult children. In her article on Psychology Today, she emphasizes, “While it’s natural to want to support your children, adult children need to learn financial independence. Parents should avoid perpetuating dependency by offering money for non-essential expenses like weddings.” Dr. Markham argues that offering continuous financial support for major life events can enable unhealthy reliance on parents, rather than encouraging self-sufficiency. The dilemma in this case revolves around the balance between helping children when needed and setting healthy boundaries to foster their independence.
The Role of Financial Independence in Family Relationships: According to The Atlantic, financial independence is key in ensuring that adult children develop into responsible and self-sufficient adults. Dr. Sherrie Campbell, a clinical psychologist, notes, “Parents who continue to financially support their adult children can inadvertently contribute to an unhealthy dynamic where the children feel entitled to financial help for life events. This can create tension, as children may not recognize the extent of the resources already provided to them.” In the case of Jessica, who received a significant college fund, her expectation that her parents should finance her wedding may stem from a lack of understanding of the financial help she has already received.
The Emotional Impact of Financial Decisions on Siblings: A study published in Family Relations discusses the emotional consequences of unequal financial assistance among siblings. The research indicates that siblings who perceive they were treated unfairly, even in adulthood, may feel hurt and resentful. Dr. Jacqueline A. Berryman, a family counselor, explains, “Emotional reactions like jealousy or resentment arise when one sibling feels that the financial support received is disproportionate or not justified by their situation. Parents must communicate clearly about why they make certain financial decisions to avoid creating these feelings.” The conflict between Jessica and Sarah reflects this dynamic, where Jessica feels hurt by her parents’ decision to help Sarah with her wedding, despite her own financial advantages.
Offering Support Based on Circumstances, Not Equality: Dr. Arthur M. Brooks, a social scientist and expert on family dynamics, has written in The Atlantic about the importance of understanding that fairness doesn’t always mean equality. He explains, “True fairness often involves assessing the individual circumstances of each child and responding to their needs accordingly. When it comes to giving money, it’s not about giving everyone the same amount—it’s about what each child actually needs and what will help them most in their particular situation.” This concept is critical in the scenario of Jessica’s wedding. While Jessica might feel slighted, the decision to help Sarah with her wedding and down payment was rooted in the recognition of Sarah’s earlier sacrifices and challenges.
Solutions Proposed by Experts:
Prioritize Financial Independence: According to Dr. Markham’s advice, parents should encourage financial independence by offering guidance rather than direct financial aid for non-essential expenses like weddings. By encouraging children to save for such events or make alternative plans, parents help foster personal growth and self-sufficiency.
Communicate the Bigger Picture: Dr. Berryman’s research suggests that clear communication is essential to prevent misunderstandings and emotional fallout. Parents should explain their reasoning behind financial decisions, highlighting the overall financial support provided over the years, rather than just focusing on a particular event like a wedding.
Be Transparent About Limits: Dr. Segal advises that parents should establish and maintain clear boundaries regarding financial support. This helps prevent children from assuming they will always receive financial help for major milestones. Being upfront about the limits of available resources prevents feelings of entitlement and establishes healthy expectations.
Address Unequal Support with Care: Experts recommend that if siblings are treated differently financially, it should be addressed with transparency. Dr. Brooks suggests that parents should avoid “sugar-coating” the situation and instead offer a clear explanation about why certain financial decisions were made, particularly when one child has already received more support in other areas (e.g., college funds).
Check out how the community responded:
Is the father’s decision to prioritize his eldest daughter’s support justified given her sacrifices, or should fairness dictate similar treatment for all children, regardless of past circumstances? How would you approach balancing financial support between siblings in a family? Share your opinions and suggestions below!
NTA! Sarah is a very special girl, while Miss Jessica is an entitled one. Don’t back down, Dad! As has been suggested, tell her the college money was a loan you have NEVER received a payment on. And send her a bill which shows the amounts you paid for her education AND the hard amount you “gave” Sarah for her wedding and house down-payment. Let her take this document to her financial advisor (or fiance, if he has two brain cells!) to see if there has been any discrepancy in the way you have handled the girls’ financial gifts. Anyone with said “two brain cells” will be able to see that Jessica has come out the clear winner in this contest. Add in the fact that Sarah has offered $25000 of her own hard-earned money should (or hopefully, anyway!) silence Jessica’s whining. And, for Heaven’s sake, don’t let Mom guilt you into backing down! This “real world” application of Economics should have been accomplished while Miss Jessica was younger. I hope you stand firm, and good luck with your son, Ben. I pray he has a more level-headed approach to this issue.
As sad as it is to contemplate such family disharmony, I think the father is right. Jessica’s emotional blackmail tactics will continue if she gets her way. Think of a future being emotionally manipulated into granting her every desire. If it is allowed to continue, I hope there will be no grandchildren to be denied loving grandparents when she doesn’t get her way. I do, however, think that the $50k versus $100k should be re-evaluated to add the “room and board” for 3 years – that should add $15 to $20 thousand, making it $70k versus $100k.
I would do exactly what the father did.
Wow. What an selfish ingrate your daughter is. You paid to educate her so she could stand on her own two feet and yet here she is, at your day, hand out, whiny like a toddler for mommy and daddy to pay for her wedding. If she’s that immature that she doesn’t understand how she was already given a financial gift, then I suggest she grow the hell up before she marries – that’s an activity for adults. What a spoiled child. Maybe fiance should take a good look and see if he’s not better running away from the queen of pout.
Sarah paid back her student loans on her own. Tell Jessica you’ll give her the same thing you gave Sarah for her wedding and down payment, once she pays back the $100,000.00 you already gave her.
If she’s so interested in everything being fair, this is the way to help her keep things even.
Ugh you raised a KAREN!!! Is the mommy one too?