AITAh for not wanting to take care of my mentally disabled half-sibling?
A man distanced himself from his difficult family for decades, focusing on his career and enjoying his retirement. Recently, his elderly mother, who cares for his severely disabled half-brother, requested he take over caregiving due to her declining health.
He declined, explaining past grievances with his mother and his desire for independence, which left her devastated. Now, his siblings are pressuring him to help financially, but he’s hesitant, given the strained family history. read the original story below…
‘ AITAh for not wanting to take care of my mentally disabled half-sibling?’
I (56M) have two siblings, 53M (“Jeff”) and 50F (“Annie”). I also have a half-brother “Ron” (39M) who’s severely mentally challenged to the point he can’t take care of himself, he’s practically a toddler in a grown man’s body. Growing up I had a strained relationship with my parents.
In short, my father was an a**sive POS and my mom was his biggest enabler. Annie was her favorite child, Jeff was his favorite child, and I was the black sheep of the family. Looking back, this probably shaped my worldview into more cynical way.
When I was 16, my POS father finally died, and my mother just decided to go get knocked up again. Everyone warned her about not having another baby as she was already in her late 30s and the baby could be born sick or with some genetic defect, which is precisely what happened.
Not going to lie, the already resentful teen me harbored even my resentment ever since, and eventually I up and left as soon as I turned 18. I kept generally low contact ever since, preferring to stay focused on my own life, building a career, getting to know myself. Honestly it was the best thing I did.
It was liberating, I finally felt free and in charge of my own life. Now almost 40 years later I’m finally free again as I made enough money to retire earlier, I never married, but I’ve got some property and four amazing dogs.
The most I’ve talked to my mother in years was sending her Christmas, Mother’s Day and Happy Birthday cards. I keep some contact with my siblings through, just enough to have a general understanding of their lives.
Now some insight into lives of my siblings: Annie got married straight out of high school and already has children and even grandchildren, she still keeps contact with mom as she lives about 2 hours away from her anyway.
Jeff got into college, he met his husband there, he got his happily ever after and has limited contact with mom, though he sends her money. Now the main part (you can easily skip to here). My mother is in her mid 70s now and she still lives with Ron, being his main caregiver and such.
She doesn’t work, she’s completely dependent on govt benefits and my siblings’ support. Recently she got the idea that she’s not going to last much longer, and now she wants someone of us to step in.
She invited us all to a family dinner (she doesn’t know how to use a modern phone or how to make group chats at that). I wasn’t going to attend it, but Jeff practically begged me to come as he wanted to see me too.
For the record, last time we saw each other in person was at his wedding 10 years ago when I walked him down the aisle (don’t ask, he really wanted me to and I didn’t mind anyway). At the dinner, my mom announced the news that she wants us to step in and help her out with Ron and to become his main caregiver after she dies.
She said that she would want me specifically since apparently I’m rich (I’m not, I just worked a lot and I don’t have many expenses anyway) and I don’t have any family. To be honest I was just baffled by the amount of entitlement.
I was trying my best to be polite and I really gently explained to her that I want nothing to do with her and Ron, that I don’t care about him in the slightest and that I prefer to stay out of her business forever. This made her tear up as apparently my siblings already told her “no” and I was her last resort.
She started crying and calling me ungrateful. I already had enough of her guilt tripping when I was a teen and a part of me was kinda relieved that she didn’t change a single bit.
I told her that I have nothing to be grateful for, except for maybe her letting her drunk husband beat the s**t out of me and doing nothing about me and getting knocked up by one of his drinking buddies not even a month after his funeral.
She got angry and said that I’m stupid to hold into some childish resentment and that it’s time to move on already. I told her no again and stood my ground.
Now my siblings are begging me to change my mind and help her out at least financially.
I don’t want to do that, I’ve got no desire to let her leech off the result of my long and hard work. Not to mention she’s practically a stranger to me, I haven’t heard a nice thing from her ever. I don’t think that I’m an a**hole, but I’m still curious about hearing some outside opinions and to be honest I just wanted to get all this b**lshit off my chest.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
scunth − NTA. Your “mother” and half-sibling are strangers, you have no obligation to them at all, particularly after your upbringing. At most you could point her at agencies that offer the help she wants, but you equally could not do that too.
seanthebean24 − NTA honestly she should’ve put him in a group home a long time ago. The truth is that it will be harder for him to adjust to a new setting if it happens when she dies instead of when she can still visit and see him. It also sounds like she knew the risks of a geriatric pregnancy and decided to have him any way.
It is not you or your sibling’s job to take care of him, he needs to be in a place that can attend to his needs. You and your siblings may offer to help pay for whatever group home she moves him into but you’re not obligated to.
ferthun − Nta. It’s not childish resentment… it’s childhood resentment and she deserves it. Your half brother doesn’t and that’s maybe a moral gray area but…. Maybe mom should have planned better for him. Or planned at all. Sorry you got stuck in this situation.
If your siblings b**ch at all about it they are welcome to take the burden. Maybe if you feel generous, help her try to find a home for him for when she does pass.
Constant-Cupcake-962 − Nta, she seems like she literally only wants to see you when it benefits her. I feel for Ron, I really do, however it’s not your responsibility to look after him and it’s also not your siblings.
I would tell your siblings if they want her to be better off financially they can always send her more money or volunteer to help but I guarantee they won’t. You worked hard for your money, it’s not upto anyone to tell you how you should spend it.
Round_Butterfly2091 − You don’t have a relationship with Ron so despite your misgivings, it wouldn’t be a good fit for him either.
Fredredphooey − NTA. They have facilities for people like your brother and your mom should get him on a wait list. You are not the only option.
PatentlyRidiculous − NTA. Families are tough. Best to severely limit your contact with them. Your brother is not your responsibility. It would be a kind and generous gesture of you if you did decide to help, but you aren’t obligated and given the history., I dont blame you for not wanting to help.. Sleep well my friend
beet3637 − You reap what you sow. Even if it takes your Mom decades to “reap” what she had sown. Some people just don’t appreciate karma enough or lack foresight how their actions can affect them years down the road. There’s a reason you left it all behind. Let it stay that way.
katonymus − NTA. Your mom is wrong. You did move on… Just far away from her
beek_r − NTA Ron needs to be in an assisted living facility, and he’s probably eligible for benefits that would take care of the lions share of expenses. Suggest that your mom make a will where all of her assets go to Ron, and tell her to start doing research into places where he can go when she does pass away.
Should he contribute financially or stand firm in his boundaries? Share your perspective below!