AITAH for not wanting to live with BIL anymore?
A woman expresses frustration over her 17-year-old brother-in-law (BIL) living with her and her husband, who dismisses her concerns about his increasingly inappropriate behavior. The BIL has been making her feel unsafe by physically handling her against her will, with her husband insisting it’s just playful and not serious.
Feeling anxious in her own home, she considers moving out, though it would be financially difficult, and she wonders if she’s wrong for prioritizing her safety.
‘ AITAH for not wanting to live with BIL anymore?’
My husband (32M) and I have been married for two years. His Dad and Stepmom are going through an u**ly divorce, so his half brother (17M) has moved in with us to live for a year till he starts college. My husband loves his brother, treats him like a little kid and is over protective of him. I find BIL’s behavior obnoxious and we are having too many arguments over this. He’s been with us for only a month and a half and I can’t stand it and I really don’t think I can put up with it for a year.
It started off with him making messes and throwing away leftovers. Since I do most of the cooking and cleaning, it was increasing my workload. My husband’s list of chores have not increased by his presence so he was dismissive of my complaints. Since husband wasn’t saying anything I tried telling him to pick up after himself. BIL retaliated by spanking my b**tt. Anytime I tell him to do something he hits my b**tt hard and laughs. Husband told him to knock it off but he keeps doing it and husband treats it as if he’s just playing around, no big deal. Not only is it very disrespectful, but its really painful.
After that he started randomly picking me up and carrying me around. I am a little over 5 ft and 120 lbs and he’s a tall stocky guy. I hate it and husband just thinks he’s goofing around and trying to be friends with me. I work from home and the other day when it was just him and me in the house, he picked me up and ran with me to my bedroom and threw me on the bed. It really scared me, but he just laughed at me and left. Husband thinks I am being dramatic by being scared by this.
I feel like his behavior is escalating, but my husband tells me to act like the adult and not blow up over a kid’s playfulness. I am anxious everyday and I am seriously thinking of moving out though it’ll be difficult to afford it. AITAH for telling my husband that I don’t feel safe in our home?
ETA: Thank you so much for your comments and validating me. My husband had me confused and believing that I was over reacting. I am so relieved to hear from so many people that this is as dangerous and bad as I feel. I have packed a bag in my car and some important belongings and documents. I am 29F for those who asked, I forgot to put that in my post.
I called and talked to MIL early in the morning. She’s always been very nice to me and at my wedding she told me she thinks of me as her daughter. My mom passed away when I was young and I don’t have any siblings so that had moved me very much. I was nervous about talking to her because I didn’t want to ruin that relationship, but she was so shocked when she heard the details. She said she’d talk to my husband and FIL and this was unacceptable situation and told me to come stay with her till it got resolved.
BIL is out with his friends till tomorrow for 4th of July, so it gives me some time to have one more detailed discussion with my husband. I am also going to show him this reddit post and hopefully his Mom’s talk and these comments will be a wakeup call.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Few-School-3869Â (Â Top 1Â ) says
NTA It is completely inappropriate that a 17m is spanking his sister in law’s ass and throwing you on the bed and totally fucked that your husband isn’t standing up for you and finds this behavior okay. Like I would threaten to leave over this
Sea-Dentist-1726Â (Â Top 2Â ) says
NTA. Put your foot down. No. You are still nearly newly weds, and your marriage is important. Have another sterner talk to your husband about how it’s impacting you. Ultimately, it’s up to you, but if my husband dismissed my feelings and concerns for someone else who isn’t his child, it would raise a red-flag for me. 17 years old is NOT A KID in regards to behavior. This teen is pushing you and laughing that your husband is on his side more than yours. It comes across as juvenile dominance behavior.
TarzanKitty ( Top 3 ) says
I understand the parents are divorcing but why does that mean that neither one can parent their kid? I don’t know any divorced parents who unloaded their children on a 3rd party when they divorced.
psychknowitall1Â (Â Top 4Â ) says
I feel like the main points have been covered but I have one more to add. (Shrink whose worked with s**x offenders/offenders)
Sexual and physical abuse is a social system problem. The Entitlement behind sexual violence is nearly always reinforced in the family unit first. Your husband IS reinforcing his treatment of you and is part of the problem.
s**x offenders often have counseling with the whole family system after the violence to decrease the risk of reoffending. His whole family system is an issue, and his behaviour is escalating. He has reinforced his behaviour every step of the way and no consequence has occurred that would prevent him from doing more.
I would quite honestly rate this situation as a high risk of further sexual violence and I would expect afterwards that your husband would stand behind his brother and not you as a victim.
Godspeed.
Ps I know this feedback has been a lot and you’ll be tempted to delete this post to avoid the directness of the feedback. I really encourage you to keep this post- or atleast screen shot the comments so you can come back to it later because you are at risk of being pulled into this dangerous social system that views his behaviour as acceptable.
Everiscale ( Top 5 ) says
If we rephrase what is happening to “a man living with you and your husband started sexually touching you and has escalated to physically forcing you onto a bed while your husband belittles your feelings of being scared in your own home” a proper response is leave and inform the police.
Gudtymez ( Top 6 ) says
Put up cameras everywhere in the house. Threaten nothing that you won’t follow through with–Im talking pepper spray and calling the police. Your bodily autonomy and sense of safety in your own home is paramount and if your husband wants to support his psychotic brother over his wife, maybe he doesn’t need a wife.
Honestly though, this is completely insane and I think little bro needs to find somewhere else to go ASAP–not in a year.
wine_e_the_pooh ( Top 7 ) says
Get out.
Getoutgetoutgetoutgetout
GET.THE.f**ck.OUT.
You’re not safe there, and it seems like your husband’s true colors are coming out. People hide who they really are until after they’ve secured their spouse, and then they choose to let the u**ly out when it’s harder to leave.
Your b**tch husband is g**slighting you and trying to spin it around to make it seem like you’re in the wrong after seeing it with his own eyes. Stop looking for the silver lining in this t**xic cloud. You need to pack a bag and be ready to leave before that c**eep takes it further. Who gives a f**ck if he whines that you’re being s**lfish. He’s being an enabler to his future rapist sibling.
Set up cameras and get your evidence if you must, but don’t plan to stick around. f**ck this guy and his punk ass brother. It’s a good thing you’re finding out now before you started having kids with that piece of s**it. His brother is a f**cking c**eep and I hope he meets the right one who will put him in his place and stomp his nuts.
I hope you stop doubting yourself and choose to leave for your safety. You’re NTA. For the love of God put yourself first and start thinking about whether or not you want to take it further than just packing a bag. Consider divorce. I would.
Single_Vacation427Â (Â Top 8Â ) says
NTA
He is sexually assaulting you.
He also threw you on the bed. So what if he rapes you? That’s where this is going.
Your husband is telling him that he can do whatever he wants because he is going to side with him. He is also telling you that.
Your husband calling it “goofing around”… what happens when he does it to a woman he doesn’t know? Is he going to go to college parties and do it to women there? Is he going to rape someone and then call it “goofing around”? Where does this stop?
I would pack a bag and leave ASAP. You are not safe. Your husband is an AH for ignoring you. Don’t say anything, pack a bag, and leave.
This is bad enough that you should consider serving him papers. Yes. It is that bad.
Loreo1964Â (Â Top 9Â ) says
NTA.
He’s practically a man and if anyone else did these things to you it’s a**sault. He absolutely can’t pick you up and throw you on the bed. My suggestion is since serious talks aren’t working action has to be taken.
Pack a suitcase. Leave it by the bedroom door. Tell them both you are not a slave and you aren’t here to be a play thing for BIL to disrespect. And if he doesn’t start pulling his weight around here or the next time he touches you in anyway your going to a hotel and they can just be bullies together alone for awhile.
meifahs_musungs ( Top 10 ) says
Get out of there. Your BIL is going to rape you and your husband will blame you.
Personal safety and boundaries are essential, and it’s important to be heard and respected in any household. When those boundaries are crossed, tough decisions must be made. How would you handle this situation? Let us know in the comments!