AITAH FOR NOT WANTING MY HUSBAND’S CHILD TO BE A PART OF OUR LIFE?
A Reddit user grapples with a complex emotional situation after learning that her husband, who had an affair years ago, may have a child from that one-night stand. Despite her husband’s efforts to rebuild their marriage, the prospect of introducing this child into their lives is overwhelming. As she navigates feelings of betrayal and fear of resentment, she questions whether she’s being unreasonable for wanting to keep this child out of their lives. Read the original story below to delve into her emotional turmoil.
‘ AITAH FOR NOT WANTING MY HUSBAND’S CHILD TO BE A PART OF OUR LIFE?’
Over 5 years ago my (F38) husband (M38) husband and I separated. He had an affair. He entered therapy and eventually I decided I wanted to see if we could rebuild our marriage. I forgave him, and over the last 5 years he changed a lot. I opted to not know everything that happened while we were separated but I knew there was a one night stand.
He truly put in work to become a healthier man and a better husband. We’ve been married 16 years, if that is relevant. A month ago he was contacted by the one night stand. She just got out of jail (I can barely believe I’m even typing these words), and she told him that 5 years ago when they hooked up she got pregnant, and that if he didn’t Venmo her $500 she would tell his wife that he has a child.
He was shocked because this was the first time he heard about this. She won’t agree to a dna test willingly so he is having to get a court order. She also says she slept with multiple partners so she isn’t 100% sure he’s the father. Obviously this sounds sketchy, but she sent him pictures of the child and I would be shocked if he WASN’T the father.
I feel devastated. My feelings are complex but I’m in therapy, so that’s not why I’m posting. The child has been in the grandparents’ custody for years (along with the child’s sibling), since the mom has been in & out of jail. I have been through a lot. I have diagnosed PTSD, and sometimes it is not manageable, but I am in recovery.
I don’t know what to do because I don’t want this child in my life. I have a stepmom and I know what it feels like to know you’re resented. My stepmom didn’t have to tell me she resented me for me to know. I sensed it. Later in life she confessed as much to me and apologized.
We have a good relationship now but being resented made an impression on me as a child. We have other kids together who are teens. The thought of having to explain to our family & friends, let alone our other children who this child is, absolutely f*cking guts me. I feel like puking just thinking about it.
It was humiliating enough to be cheated on and have everyone know my business. I lost friends when I chose to let him come home and chose to try to restore our marriage. One of my former friends told me that she lost respect for me and that she was disgusted that I would give him a chance to hurt me again..
How would I tell our kids? If this child is happy, healthy, and being loved by her grandparents (which appears to be the case), isn’t it kinder to let her keep living her life without interruption? I don’t know if I could ever see this child as anything other than the product of my husband’s unfaithfulness.
Obviously I support him sending child support if the dna test does prove he is the father. Am I an a**hole for not wanting this child in my life?. Be honest.. Are the only other options to be:
1. playing stepmom to a child who will forever be a reminder of my husband’s unfaithfulness. or
2. divorcing a man I love with all my heart because I don’t want to stand in the way of him being in the child’s life?
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
beespace − Honestly before winding yourself up like that you should confirm paternity. It doesn’t sound like she’s very stable and could easily be trying to make a m**ipulative cash-grab.
Suspicious_Spite5781 − I think you’re putting the cart before the horse, here. Why get the DNA test? Make her take him to court. This is her issue, she needs to pursue it. She doesn’t even have custody of the kid. The grandparents would have to go for child support. No where do you mention what he wants.
Have you two talked about the plan moving forward if the grandparents takes this to court? If he doesn’t want to be in the kid’s life, either, then just pay child support if ordered and nothing changes. Frankly, you two were separated. I know that’s not a divorce but it makes the “cheating” less elicit, if that makes sense.
Unless you all set out boundaries. Mostly, it was your decision to accept that the marriage was broken but you both wanted to fix it. That’s commendable. Not many people do that anymore. Be proud that you two came back together to make a stronger marriage rather than dwell on people who don’t understand. It’s not their journey. You don’t need their approval.
zaritza8789 − He didn’t care enough to use protection with a ONS?
ResurrectionScary − You are e**itled to feel however you want, however, you chose to take him back knowing he cheated on you. The child is irrelevant. The child is also not a product of infidelity, since you were separated at the time.
You CHOSE to take him backing knowing that he was unfaithful. If the only way you could accomplish that was by burying your head in the sand and pretending he was a saint, well, welcome to the consequences of YOUR decisions.
You are wrong. The CHILD is not the reminder forever of your husband’s unfaithfulness. HE IS. And if you can get over that and s**k the d**k he stuck in someone else, then YTA for blaming a child for what its father did. Be a better person than your stepmother.
Tiny-Astronaut5792 − Kinda sounds like a s**m and she wants easy money, if he isn’t on the birth certificate then legally it’s not his and if he was she would probably have gone to court to get child support. Also if you have proof of the b**ckmail you can tell the police and get a restraining order.
vague-vague − That poor f**king kid.
Confident-Baker5286 − I don’t think it is reasonable to ask your husband to have zero contact with his child. It also isn’t reasonable to think you will be able to keep the child a secret from your children. They will eventually find out and will likely be very upset with you for keeping a sibling from them.
The child is innocent in all of this and deserves a chance to know where they came from, if you encourage your husband to abandon them you will absolutely be TA. Also do you really want to be married to someone who would abandon their child? Sending child support is not enough. Growing up knowing you are unwanted or a secret is devastating.
nousernamesleft24 − Woah woah woah, OP, take a breath think about this a second. A one night stand who has been in and out of jail has now contact your husband after 5 years is attempting b**ckmail for $500 and refusing a paternity test. Your husband needs to drop the court case, refuse to pay child support until the ONS agrees to the paternity test.
This is her issue to figure out and if she won’t do a paternity test then you and your husband are off the hook. She can go to court over this, not you two. Cut all contact. If she continues to harass and threaten, seek a restraining order. DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MONEY, INFORMATION OR ATTENTION.
She had 5 years and is asking for $500. How is that not ringing warning bells and red flags??? That’s not for her kid, that’s for her and likely to use the money for whatever she got charged for in the first place. Ignore it. You’re NTA, nor is your husband. She is. Your husband also needs to cut full contact though. Otherwise this will not be dropped, OP. She needs to seek legal counsel if she wants CS, not your husband to figure out paternity.
seriouslysorandom − My perspective is of a child who has a half sibling from an affair. I’m 49. I found out I had a half brother from my father’s affair about 10 years ago. My brother and I are only a few months apart. The way I was told caused some bad feelings on my part.
My dad established a relationship with him and a few years ago I decided we should get to know each other. I can honestly say that I love him. My dad passed away a few months ago and talking to him after the funeral he was hurt that he didn’t have all of the memories me and my other siblings did of our dad because he wasn’t allowed to be a part of our family.
I love my dad but I’m dealing with the anger I feel about being deprived of a relationship with my brother. My parents were married for 68 years. My mom knew of the affair but not of the baby until much later. I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of. If your husband is the father perhaps therapy as a couple so you can sort thru it and get guidance on how to tell your kids. Then, family therapy for everyone.
Robalo21 − I’m thinking that you are far from over the infidelity. I’m really not saying that you should be but from the sound of it you like to pretend that you have a happy family and a loving faithful husband, but you don’t. This physical reminder of that fact is too much for you to handle.
If you’re only looking forward and trying to forget about the affair. This brings you back to the reality of your life. Relationships are built on trust and respect and I’m not sure how you can have either of those things now. I don’t necessarily think you’re wrong about this child but I don’t think the child is the real issue here. I think you’re trying to pretend things didn’t happen as they did and this kid is the pin bursting your bubble.
Do you think the user is justified in not wanting her husband’s potential child to be a part of their lives, or should she consider the child’s well-being and the potential for her husband to be a father? How would you approach such a difficult situation in your own life? Share your thoughts below!