AITAH for not treating my niece/biodaughter more like one of my kids?
Parenting is never simple, but things can get even more complicated when family and biology intersect. A man turned to Reddit for advice after a delicate situation arose with his niece—who also happens to be his biological daughter.
Here’s the background: The OP (original poster) donated sperm to his sister and her wife so they could have a child together. His niece, Ava, is biologically his daughter, though legally and practically, her moms have always been her parents.
Recently, Ava was told about her biological connection to OP, and since then, she’s been spending a lot more time at his house—so much that it’s begun to disrupt his family’s routine.
‘ AITAH for not treating my niece/biodaughter more like one of my kids?’
I have a niece (Ava) who is also my bio daughter as I am her sperm donor. She is the daughter of my sister and her wife (her wife’s the bio mother as well). They obviously could not have children together. They decided to tell Ava about it a few months ago.
Originally the plan was to have Ava know from the beginning, but they changed their mind. That’s a whole other story though. Anyway since Ava has found she’s started coming over to our house everyday. It used to be just after school everyday, but now that summer break has started she is here from early in the morning too.
Now my niece is great and all, but having a guest over everyday was a little much for me. I talked to my wife about it. She admitted she also wasn’t happy about having a guest everyday either, but hadn’t said anything because she didn’t think it was her place to interfere given the situation. I told her that I understood and we agreed to talk to our kids about them inviting her over less.
However, when we talked to them we found out that they were not inviting her over. We had assumed they were since the the three were always together. They’ve explained it to us that she just started following them home after school one day. They’ve also said that they don’t like having her over so much either.
They don’t mind her over sometimes, but they don’t want a guest over all the time either. They also said with her always around they feel like they can’t go out and do things with their friends or invite them over.
So after we talked it through we agreed we would all be more comfortable with her coming over more like once every other week. Which I will add is still a lot more than she previously used to come over. Previously we would only see her on holidays.
I talked to my sister about it and she says I’m wrong for wanting a to push Ava out and calling her a guest. She’s says that’s she’s figuring out things and wants to spent more time with her bio siblings.
Furthermore she said her daughter was crushed that we are going on a big family vacation next month and hadn’t invited her yet. Another thing that has bothered her according to my sister is that we gave her the same birthday gift as we usually do (a $50 gift card) like nothing has changed.
Overall my sister thinks I should be treating her more like how I treat my kids now. Obviously this is a delicate situation and we want to treat it as such, but we do think it’s fair to have some firm boundaries.
Edit: Just so everyone knows the donation was done through a clinic and there is paperwork saying it was a donation and I am not the legal parent of any child that was created through the donation.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
arkilljoy − How old is Ava? She expects things to change, not realising that you and your wife already knew and treated her no different. She sounds young and might need therapy soon.
NTA. This is a tricky situation, but it’s better to have an open conversation now and set boundaries before she develops more expectations.
jacksonlove3 − Ava needs therapy and to realize that she is your sister and wife’s child, not yours. Yes she’s your biological child but as a sperm donor, but she’s your sister and her wife’s daughter-not yours and your wife’s.
She is biologically your children’s sibling but in a family dynamic as a whole she should be their cousin. And that’s clearly very confusing for Ava in where she’s fits into this whole family dynamic!! This is why most people don’t use a close family relative as a sperm or egg donor. It’s the kid that suffers the most
Agoraphobe961 − NTA. You need to sit your sister and niece down to explain the family dynamics. You are her donor, not her dad and that needs to be clarified. Your sister sucks for changing the plan afterwards
NewspaperEfficient61 − This child will need therapy, jfc.
HandmadeEgo − Would she expect a random sperm donor to treat her like his own daughter? Don’t think so.
Your sister needs a reality check and to take responsibility for her child. And if she’s offended by you not taking HER daughter to a family trip, she needs therapy. NTA!
Bauslit − And this ladies and gentlemen is why you don’t use close family as a donor. The child suffers the most. She is not your daughter, your sister and partner need to step up and take her to therapy. Based on your sister’s response they probably encouraging her.
vanessa8172 − I saw a post on here yesterday about some guy’s sister being mad cause he wouldn’t be the donor for her and her wife (who happened to be his ex). This outcome is a good reason why that guy said no. Nta but yikes is this a messed up situation
JKristiina − NTA. ”Like nothing has changed” – nothing has changed from your perspective! You agreed to be a spermdonor, not a dad. That hasn’t changed. Clearly your sister and her wife messed up the telling, since Ava now expects you to be her dad. Your sister seems to be of the same mind. You need to talk again with your sister, and tell her that nothing has changed. You’re still only the spermdonor!
SnowQueen911 − NTA. I’d sit down with your sister and sister in law, bring all your legal documentation outlining your responsibilities, and let them know nothing has changed. You are just her sperm donor but they are her parents. She needs therapy to work through these feelings. I’d also think about telling your children in case they don’t already know.
She’s young and bound to be hurt and feel rejected by this and may lash out. That’s news that should come from you and your wife. She is still your niece and you love her but she is not your child. Good luck with this situation and hopefully update if a resolution happens.
[Reddit User] − INFO: Is your sperm donor agreement (parental and financial responsibility) thoroughly documented and notarized? I would be worried about being sued for child support or something based on what your sister is doing.
This is an incredibly delicate situation, and OP seems to be doing his best to balance his niece’s needs with his own family’s well-being. While setting boundaries is essential, it’s also important to approach Ava’s feelings with empathy and care as she processes her identity and place in the family.
What do you think? Should OP open his home and family dynamic more to Ava, or is it fair to set firm boundaries? Share your thoughts below!
Ava does not have a father. She has 2 mothers. Her uncle helped them to have a child. It is nice that she knows where she comes from, but she does not have shared custody with the ” father”. She is hi niece and the mothers should teach her some bounderies.
I totally agree. when you help someone who can’t have kids, for whatever reason, it doesn’t mean those kids are yours. his sister needs to respect the fact that being married to another woman means her daughter gets two mothers and does not have a father. What would they have done if they had gone through a sperm bank? harassed some poor guy?
NTAH You are the sperm donor NOT the parent. She has two parents!! I get it…your sister wanted her child to have the family genes. You went above and beyond assuring that she did. BUT that is where YOUR obligation stops!! She is your niece….NOT your child. I can maybe understand your niece being confused but your sister is way out of line in thinking that you should treat her as one of your children. You definitely need to set some boundaries. You can be the male figure in her life but as her UNCLE not her father. I think your sister needs to step up and fill that role!!!
I think that he was gracious enough to donate his sperm for “his sister and wife” to have a child…he and his wife did not have this child. yes, there should be boundaries and for all intense purposes the relationship should be uncle and niece. That’s how the relationship should be clarified. He did a very nice and special thing and his sister should realize that. If you are in a wife and wife situation, then there would not have been a father in the picture if it would have been through a sperm bank. The sister needs to be thankful and abide by what the brother wants for his family.
The girl does not have a male figure in her life or siblings. It’s obvious that she is wanting that so she is coming around to their family because it is what her heart wants. He IS her biological father and most kids/adults who learn that they are adopted (or in this situation) often long to have a relationship with their bio parent.
He should be understanding and compassionate but still have healthy boundaries. She is struggling and her fears of rejection are heightened at her age. He should talk with her and explain that he does care for her and allow her to be part of the family (because she technically is) with healthy boundaries and limits.
While I can understand that Ava wants a dad, I think (she’s young so it’s gonna be hard to teach this) she needs to know how blessed she is just to come from a 2 parent household. She has 2 parents. You are not her dad. You’re her uncle. She has to understand that without getting her feelings hurt, which will come with time. You’re nta. You agreed to be her uncle, not her father.
I think if a family member is a donor for a couple that can’t have kids it should be left anonomous to the child. That child has 2 moms & that’s how they wanted it, but now they told her who bio dad is they want her to have 2 families? Nah this guy is totally in the right.
Ntah. It’s their kid, not yours. I’m sure if they had told you from the get go that you would need to treat her the same as your kids you would have thought twice about being the donor… If they expected him to treat her as his own or play the role of father that would have had to be discussed from the beginning.
This child was a gift to his sister and her wife. I firmly believe the brother is totally within his rights to keep her as a niece and have her as a cousin to his children. When the kids are older if they want to change it then they can. I have a sister that was raised as my cousin from the time she was 2. We are all in our 60s now and she has been back in our lives as a sister since the year 2000/2001.
NTA. OP agreed to help his sister and her wife have a child. He did not agree to play “Dad”. OP’s sister and SIL are being presumptive and audacious.
NTA… You agreed to help them HAVE a child, not to RAISE their child. She should not be treated the same as the rest of your children because she isn’t. She is your sister and her wife’s child. However, l don’t think that in this particular situation it should have been revealed at such a young age. It should have been discussed as a family when she is old enough to understand it. It should definitely be addressed and firm boundaries set before it gets to the point that it negatively affects the relationship you have within your own home!
He was a donor that’s all. Not the kids dad. Sister and her wife need to get a grip. Tell her I was a donor that’s it explain what a donor is and tell her I’m not your dad your not one of my children I don’t have rights. Theses are my boundaries respect them
I feel bad for this child. Clearly she wants a nuclear family & needs a father. Calling her a guest is a bit odd since she is family, but it sounds to me like his sister doesn’t want her anymore and is trying to pawn her off on the brother. Maybe I am wrong, but it seems like his sister only wanted a “baby”, not an actual child to raise until adulthood. Bottom line: this guy is NOT the a**hole.
That’s their child, not yours. That was the agreement. She doesn’t have a dad, she has 2 moms.
You adults created an awkward situation that sounds great at first glance but isn’t sensitive to the needs of the child. Clearly the child wants a father and to be part of a traditional family environment. And YTA for acting like she’s a guest…you ARE her biological father and your other children are her siblings. Shutting her out is a royal jerk move.
He was a donor that’s all. Not the kids dad. Sister and her wife need to get a grip. Tell her I was a donor that’s it explain what a donor is and tell her I’m not your dad your not one of my children I don’t have rights. Theses are my boundaries respect them
In her eyes you are her Father, which you are, not an Uncle. How awful & confusing this is for her. She didn’t choose any of this. You all put her in this situation. How sad for her.
She didn’t ask to be treated like stale garbage.
She didn’t ask for any of this.