AITAH for not treating my niece/biodaughter more like one of my kids?
Parenting is never simple, but things can get even more complicated when family and biology intersect. A man turned to Reddit for advice after a delicate situation arose with his niece—who also happens to be his biological daughter. Here’s the background: The OP (original poster) donated sperm to his sister and her wife so they could have a child together.
His niece, Ava, is biologically his daughter, though legally and practically, her moms have always been her parents. Recently, Ava was told about her biological connection to OP, and since then, she’s been spending a lot more time at his house—so much that it’s begun to disrupt his family’s routine.
‘ AITAH for not treating my niece/biodaughter more like one of my kids?’
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
This is an incredibly delicate situation, and OP seems to be doing his best to balance his niece’s needs with his own family’s well-being. While setting boundaries is essential, it’s also important to approach Ava’s feelings with empathy and care as she processes her identity and place in the family. What do you think? Should OP open his home and family dynamic more to Ava, or is it fair to set firm boundaries? Share your thoughts below!
Ava does not have a father. She has 2 mothers. Her uncle helped them to have a child. It is nice that she knows where she comes from, but she does not have shared custody with the ” father”. She is hi niece and the mothers should teach her some bounderies.
I totally agree. when you help someone who can’t have kids, for whatever reason, it doesn’t mean those kids are yours. his sister needs to respect the fact that being married to another woman means her daughter gets two mothers and does not have a father. What would they have done if they had gone through a sperm bank? harassed some poor guy?
NTAH You are the sperm donor NOT the parent. She has two parents!! I get it…your sister wanted her child to have the family genes. You went above and beyond assuring that she did. BUT that is where YOUR obligation stops!! She is your niece….NOT your child. I can maybe understand your niece being confused but your sister is way out of line in thinking that you should treat her as one of your children. You definitely need to set some boundaries. You can be the male figure in her life but as her UNCLE not her father. I think your sister needs to step up and fill that role!!!
I think that he was gracious enough to donate his sperm for “his sister and wife” to have a child…he and his wife did not have this child. yes, there should be boundaries and for all intense purposes the relationship should be uncle and niece. That’s how the relationship should be clarified. He did a very nice and special thing and his sister should realize that. If you are in a wife and wife situation, then there would not have been a father in the picture if it would have been through a sperm bank. The sister needs to be thankful and abide by what the brother wants for his family.
The girl does not have a male figure in her life or siblings. It’s obvious that she is wanting that so she is coming around to their family because it is what her heart wants. He IS her biological father and most kids/adults who learn that they are adopted (or in this situation) often long to have a relationship with their bio parent.
He should be understanding and compassionate but still have healthy boundaries. She is struggling and her fears of rejection are heightened at her age. He should talk with her and explain that he does care for her and allow her to be part of the family (because she technically is) with healthy boundaries and limits.
While I can understand that Ava wants a dad, I think (she’s young so it’s gonna be hard to teach this) she needs to know how blessed she is just to come from a 2 parent household. She has 2 parents. You are not her dad. You’re her uncle. She has to understand that without getting her feelings hurt, which will come with time. You’re nta. You agreed to be her uncle, not her father.
I think if a family member is a donor for a couple that can’t have kids it should be left anonomous to the child. That child has 2 moms & that’s how they wanted it, but now they told her who bio dad is they want her to have 2 families? Nah this guy is totally in the right.
Ntah. It’s their kid, not yours. I’m sure if they had told you from the get go that you would need to treat her the same as your kids you would have thought twice about being the donor… If they expected him to treat her as his own or play the role of father that would have had to be discussed from the beginning.
This child was a gift to his sister and her wife. I firmly believe the brother is totally within his rights to keep her as a niece and have her as a cousin to his children. When the kids are older if they want to change it then they can. I have a sister that was raised as my cousin from the time she was 2. We are all in our 60s now and she has been back in our lives as a sister since the year 2000/2001.
NTA. OP agreed to help his sister and her wife have a child. He did not agree to play “Dad”. OP’s sister and SIL are being presumptive and audacious.
NTA… You agreed to help them HAVE a child, not to RAISE their child. She should not be treated the same as the rest of your children because she isn’t. She is your sister and her wife’s child. However, l don’t think that in this particular situation it should have been revealed at such a young age. It should have been discussed as a family when she is old enough to understand it. It should definitely be addressed and firm boundaries set before it gets to the point that it negatively affects the relationship you have within your own home!
He was a donor that’s all. Not the kids dad. Sister and her wife need to get a grip. Tell her I was a donor that’s it explain what a donor is and tell her I’m not your dad your not one of my children I don’t have rights. Theses are my boundaries respect them
I feel bad for this child. Clearly she wants a nuclear family & needs a father. Calling her a guest is a bit odd since she is family, but it sounds to me like his sister doesn’t want her anymore and is trying to pawn her off on the brother. Maybe I am wrong, but it seems like his sister only wanted a “baby”, not an actual child to raise until adulthood. Bottom line: this guy is NOT the a**hole.
That’s their child, not yours. That was the agreement. She doesn’t have a dad, she has 2 moms.
You adults created an awkward situation that sounds great at first glance but isn’t sensitive to the needs of the child. Clearly the child wants a father and to be part of a traditional family environment. And YTA for acting like she’s a guest…you ARE her biological father and your other children are her siblings. Shutting her out is a royal jerk move.
He was a donor that’s all. Not the kids dad. Sister and her wife need to get a grip. Tell her I was a donor that’s it explain what a donor is and tell her I’m not your dad your not one of my children I don’t have rights. Theses are my boundaries respect them
She didn’t ask to be treated like stale garbage.
She didn’t ask for any of this.
In her eyes you are her Father, which you are, not an Uncle. How awful & confusing this is for her. She didn’t choose any of this. You all put her in this situation. How sad for her.