AITAH for not pretending my son isn’t gay?
The writer, a mother, faces backlash after revising rules for her 16-year-old son, K, following his forced coming out during a false sexual assault accusation. K and his lifelong friend D (17M) share an inseparable bond, blurring lines between friendship and familial intimacy. After K’s 14-year-old cousin falsely accused him of assault—later recanted—the mother imposed restrictions on male friends, including D. K insists their relationship is platonic, but the mother refuses to “pretend he isn’t gay.” Family members argue she’s punishing him for his sexuality.
‘ AITAH for not pretending my son isn’t gay?’
Expert Opinions:
The Impact of Forced Coming Out
Dr. Caitlin Ryan, Director of the Family Acceptance Project, emphasizes that involuntary coming out can cause lasting trauma. In a 2022 Pediatrics study, she notes, “LGBTQ youth forced to disclose their orientation often experience heightened anxiety and familial estrangement. Parents must prioritize emotional safety over assumptions.”
Balancing Boundaries and Trust
Dr. Lisa Damour, adolescent psychologist and author of Untangled, advises, “Rules should reflect behavior, not identity. Assuming a gay teen cannot share a bed with friends perpetuates harmful stereotypes. Focus on universal guidelines, like open doors for all guests, regardless of gender.”
False Allegations and Family Dynamics
A 2023 Journal of Child Psychology review highlights that false accusations within families can erode trust. Dr. Michael Reichert suggests, “After exoneration, parents should rebuild trust through open dialogue, not punitive measures.”
Navigating Platonic Intimacy
Dr. Niobe Way, author of Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, argues, “Teen boys, especially queer youth, often crave platonic emotional intimacy. Restricting physical closeness risks isolating them during critical developmental stages.”
Solutions from Experts:
- Apologize for Forced Disclosure: Acknowledge the harm of K’s involuntary coming out and reaffirm support.
- Collaborate on Rules: Involve K in creating fair, gender-neutral guidelines (e.g., open doors for all friends over age 12).
- Educate on Healthy Relationships: Offer resources on consent and boundaries without targeting his sexuality.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Summarized from hypothetical Reddit comments:
- Support for the Mother: “NTA. She’s applying the same rules she would for a straight son with a girlfriend. Safety first!”
- Criticism of Heteronormativity: “YTA. Assuming gayness = attraction to all males is toxic. Let boys have platonic love!”
- Compromise Suggestions: “Could she allow shared beds if they agree to check-ins? Trust but verify.”
This mother’s dilemma underscores the fragile balance between protective parenting and respecting a teen’s autonomy. While her intent—to apply consistent rules—is understandable, K’s forced coming out and the gendered enforcement raise questions about implicit bias. Should rules adapt to a child’s sexuality, or should trust prevail? Share your thoughts: Is it fair to police friendships based on orientation, or does safety justify the approach?
OP,
Consider yourself lucky.
K is gay, also, he’s monogamous right from the beginning of his sexual awakening, that’s rare.
Even if they sleep together, you don’t have to worry about a teenage pregnancy
Amd they are 16 and 17, they will be curious
Better give them a scarring lecture on STDS, safe sex and condoms, and let them have fun
Sincerely, they will fool around with or without you4 permission. Give them a safe space
NTA. My child was gay as was the girl she called her bf. The girl basically moved in with us when her guardian became ill and I noticed little things between them. I told them not to do certain things because people would think they were gay. They assured me that wasn’t the case. So of course I had no problem with them sleeping in the same bed. Until someone that knew her told me the girl was gay. So I confronted them and turns out not only were they gay, they had been sleeping together right in the next room. So I can understand and somewhat agree with the change in rules of the “BFF”. Because It’s not always as innocent as they make it out to be.
I was pregnant at 17 as a pastor’s daughter. That being said, as I grew, 3 kids later, I married a virgin at the age of 23 so it CAN be done. I wanted desperately to save myself for marriage but ultimately dated a “man” without the same views (he was 21). Red flags? Yeah. All that being said, yes, we had the safe sex talk with our kids and of course, I knew they would do it somewhere else if they wanted to. However, they also knew our values and the fact that we absolutely valued monagomy and not having sex before marriage. And, at least in my now-husband’s case, we knew it could be accomplished. So, I think it is a complicated answer. I do have a son that is gay. Just like my daughter who is not, I hope he realizes that we don’t condone sex before marriage in this house, but ultimately, he is an adult and will do what he wants. How we can support him and help him make the best decisions for his health–well when he is ready, we are here for him. And yes, we are a CHRISTIAN family, but I also love my son and his decisions and who he chooses to love are no different than me having a baby out of wedlock or other things that Christian’s consider wrong. None of us are perfect, but I sure as hell am going to love my kids no matter what.