AITAH for not pretending my son isn’t gay?

A parent (45M) recently learned that his son, K (16M), is gay after an accusation of assault forced K to come out. K has a long-standing close relationship with his best friend, D (17M), and their friendship involves behaviors that could be viewed as intimate.

After K’s coming out, the parent decided to apply the same rules to his interactions with male friends that would apply if K had female friends, like no longer allowing K and D to sleep in the same bed. K is upset because he feels cornered into coming out and insists that his friendship with D is platonic.

The parent wonders if they are wrong for setting these rules, especially since family members have criticized the decision.

‘ AITAH for not pretending my son isn’t gay?’

My son K (16M) has been best friends with D (17M) since the second grade. They attached to each other very quickly, and it became normal for them to go everywhere together. D has basically become a bonus son for me, and K is viewed the same way by D’s family. D has multiple sets of clothes at our house, and K at his.

It got to the point where our families would just celebrate holidays together. None of us minded this at all, and we’ve all become pretty close as a result.Because of all this, the boys have a lot of behaviours that might be considered strange by anyone not used to it.

They’ll sometimes sleep in the same bed, they share clothes and food, they’ll sit side by side for hours just doing their own thing without speaking a word to each other.
When the boys were 13 I once caught them kissing.

They both assured me that they were just curious and wanted to know what they were getting into once they started kissing girls. I was willing to believe it, because 13 year olds are just like that sometimes, and never questioned it too much until recently.

A few weeks ago, K was accused of sexually assaulting his 14 year old cousin. She had a history of mental illness and some smaller lies, but we took it seriously. At some point in our discussions about it, K told us he was gay. Some days later, his location at the time he was accused was proven and the cousin admitted she had lied.

I recently sat K down and told him that all the rules that had applied to him having female friends over now applied to males, with some exceptions for D. They were allowed to sleep over still, but not on the same bed anymore, and the door needs to remain open.

K was very upset by these rules, because while he is gay, he felt cornered into coming out and he insists that he and D are just friends. I sympathize with how s**itty of a situation his coming out was, but I also just don’t want to pretend he isn’t gay. These are the same expectations I’d have if D was a girl, or if K had come out on his own.

He’s been really annoyed with these rules, not because of the rules themselves, but because of what caused them to be set, and doesn’t think they should be there because he doesn’t like how he had to put himself. Some other family have been involving themselves and suggesting I’m an ass for this. So am I?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

[deleted] ( Top 1 ) says

The house rules were the same for so long that it’s almost pointless to change them now just because of this. If it was ever okay for two clearly curious boys to share a bed, not much has changed. They don’t even appear to be in a relationship.

I refuse to call you an AH because you’re not no matter what you decide, and it’s very much appreciated that you do NOT have different standards for a son as you would for a daughter. It’s ultimately your house and your rules, but maybe give yourself some leeway on what you *should* be doing.

You are a good parent, and there is no rule book for the situation. Your house policies on co-sleeping were already a little nontraditional, and whatever was going to happen certainly happened already. If your goal is to prevent s**x during the nighttime hours while in a bed, you win, but you never will succeed the rest of the hours of the day.

It just is what it is at this point. You’ve got yourself a young man. Maybe just proceed as you would for this next phase of his life. He’s going to be a legal adult in no time and bringing significant others home on holiday breaks.

Thisis_AngelCake ( Top 2 ) says

Hard to say for sure but first I would suggest you keep his lying cousin away from him if when there isn’t that many people around. Second you have the right to set ground rules but he also has the right to be angry, he should have been able to come out when he was ready.

And 3 is this the standard with every guy he sees as a friend? If so that’s not good.

FakeLordFarquaad ( Top 3 ) says

The most important thing here is to make sure your son never has to see his s**it-eating cousin again. That girl is dangerous

5footfilly ( Top 4 ) says

I’m the parent of an adult gay son, so I hope you’re open to someone who has some experience.Look, if you don’t want your 16 year old son to have sleepovers with a boyfriend in your home, ok. Your house, your rules.

But unless and until K tells you that he and D are in a relationship, you have no reason to assume D is anything more than what he’s always been. Your son’s best friend. Now, why on earth would you start treating your son and D any differently than you have in the past?

Don’t start putting barriers up. It took a lot of guts for your son to come out. Regardless of the circumstances. Be thankful he trusted you enough to tell you something deeply personal about himself and he’s not wasting years in a closet. Show him nothing has changed. He’s still your boy and you still love him and trust him the same as you always have.

And, if it does turn out that D is also gay, and he and K decide they want something more than friendship, cross that bridge when you come to it.Very gentle YTA. Not because you’re refusing to “pretend” your son isn’t gay. But because you’re tempering your trust in your son because you found out he’s gay. And I don’t think that’s your intention.

14thLizardQueen ( Top 5 ) says

My kid is pan. So what, no privacy for them? If you want your kid to feel safe about s**x, making them sneak around isn’t the way to go.There are really great books about s**x , sexuality , safety , emotional and physical. I recommend getting some and sharing those with your son. Regardless of how it came out.

Your son is of an age where sexual curiosity is normal and healthy. When these conversations needed to have already happened. I’m saying NTA for trying to follow the rules you were probably raised with. But times have changed, and just say no, and abstaining isn’t the real answer. It’s an easy one. It’s not a good one.

StSparx ( Top 6 ) says

Not a parent here, but… I mean, they’re 16 and 17. I don’t see the point of changing the rules now? Also, K was honest with you and hasn’t done anything wrong, and now his rules are more strict. It’s not great incentive to continue being forthcoming in the future.

Also, what’s the goal of the bedroom rules? If it’s to avoid unwanted pregnancy, that’s not an issue. Make sure he knows about safe s**x and STIs, and if you don’t want him having s**x in your house, make that clear to him (but also, he’s a 16 year old boy and if he wants to have s**x, he’ll find somewhere to do it).

I don’t really think the rules make a lot of sense at this point, basically. I’d communicate with K about your thoughts and wishes 🤷‍♀️ but changing the rules now seems kind of silly.

Atheist_Alex_C ( Top 7 ) says

As a gay man myself, I have to point out something here that often gets overlooked by parents in these discussions: Part of the reason parents traditionally don’t allow opposite s**x teens to share the same room is because of the risk of teen pregnancy, which causes serious complications for the rest of the lives of everyone involved.

With gay kids, you don’t have that risk. That DOESN’T mean there’s no other risks with them being intimate (STDs, emotional issues, etc) but it’s not the exact same scenario, so I personally don’t see the point in treating it exactly the same.

thorsten3 ( Top 8 ) says

He’s 16 and this kid is basically his soulmate since forever, what are you doing

HarveySnake ( Top 9 ) says

Remember this: your son has to earn your trust and respect, but **you** also have to earn **his** trust and respect. Neither of you get a blanket “trust in all ways, respect in all things”. That’s not how it works. Respect and trust is a 2-way street.

Your rules are proof that you do not trust and do not respect him, and he’s not going to trust you and respect you in important matters. You are delusional if you think these rules will keep him a virgin. If he’s going to have s**x, your rules won’t stop him. He’ll just get better at hiding his s**x life from you and not trusting you when he absolutely should.

Ask yourself, which do you prefer?
* A sexually active son who goes to unsafe places and has s**x with people you don’t know
* A sexually active son who is at home, in a safe place, and has s**x with a person you do know

Also, which do you prefer?
* A sexually active son who does not trust you and goes to his friends and strangers for potentially bad advice about safe s**x, does not use condoms, contracts HIV or hepatitis C or herpes or any other potentially fatal and/or incurable STD’s

* A sexually active son who trusts you for advice on safe s**x is, uses condoms, stays disease free

Finally which do you prefer?

* A sexually active son who does not trust you and endures t**xic relationships and unhealthy relationships
* A sexually active son who trusts you comes to you for advice on having healthy dating relationships

Your baby is not a baby anymore and no matter how much you want to keep him from growing up, he’s going to grow up. You can’t rule with an iron fist anymore you need to be mentor, a teacher, and lead by example. The day is coming when your son will be your equal in all the ways that matter.

Will you teach him good decision making skills and allow him the trust and respect to exercise those skills or will you continue to treat him like a baby incapable of making decisions and block his growth?
YTA

lld287 ( Top 10 ) says

Soft YTA. I get where you’re coming from and respect that it sounds like you are trying to be a thoughtful, consistent parent, BUTTeenagers are going to be sexually active in some capacity or another, regardless how you try to prevent it.

I want to encourage you to pivot the conversation so it can be one that makes your son feel safe confiding in you, going to you for help, and otherwise being open and transparent. You are not going to be able to keep him from being sexually active, but you *can* give him the tools to be physically and emotionally safe.

I grew up in a home where boys could not so much as put a foot on the steps leading upstairs. All it did was make me sneakier and it certainly didn’t keep me from fooling around with my boyfriend or eventually having s**x.

I strongly encourage you to reach out to an organization like Planned Parenthood and ask for resources/support for navigating a shift in mindset on the subject of s**x and how you can best support your child to be safe, healthy, responsible, and comfortable accessing help if they need it.