AITAH for not letting my husband control the money in our house?

A Reddit user shared her experience of financial struggles in a past abusive relationship, where her ex controlled her finances, leaving her with an inadequate allowance. Now remarried, she refuses to let her current husband control their finances, despite his insistence that it would benefit their family.

She manages her share of expenses, has paid off significant debt, and maintains her own savings account. However, her husband criticizes her spending and pushes for full control of their finances, causing tension. Read the full story below to explore her perspective.

‘ AITAH for not letting my husband control the money in our house?’

The article has the next update at the end.

My husband and i have been married for over a year and he knows what i make hourly, but i dont just hand money over to him. Back story- 10 years my kids dad took control of my bank account and income, spent my savings and gave me an allowance of $50 a week from my check. This had to cover gas, groceries and diapers.

I gave birth to our second child a year and a half later and would walk to the store so i would have gas for work. One day, i had to madw a decision on buying diapers for my oldest or my newborn. I cried in the diaper section because i couldnt believe my life had gotten to this point.

Ill never forget the kind person who purchased the diapers for my children and gave me extra money to hide. When i had gotten home i was belittled and accused of stealing money to buy so much. When i explained $50 a week for 4 of us including diapers wasnt enough he told me to figure it out. I asked for $100 a week. Eventually, i convinced him to allow me more money. 3 months later i left and swore id never allow another man to do that again.

Present day 10 years later, my husband was fully aware that i came with about $18,000 in credit card debt. Ive successfully paid almost all of it in full in 2 years. (Made it possible, by not having my own house, leach of an ex with 4 kids, and no utilities).

Im responsible for groceries for our family of 5, phone bill for us, and car insurance. I have my car payment and 1 credit card. My husband pays the utilities and house payment. We recently purchased a new to us camper and he took a loan on it and put the money i got from my totaled camper in the bank, so he has that as well as his vehicle payment.

He says i should be giving him $300 or more a month for savings and to help with the utilities and i wont. If something happens to him, i cant access that account to pay bills etc. I dont believe im on his account at all. I opened an account 5 months ago and have $250 a check placed into it for safe keeping.

I also must get school supplies, kids clothes, etc. His exwife they split the cost 50/50 for their daughter, but my ex and i are not on those types of terms. My husband gets huffy that my situation isnt like his but i told him it is what it is.

Every pay period he will ask me for money for utilities and i brush it off or say if you buy groceries sure. He says, i dont know how to save money and he should have what is left of my check each week for vacation, going to dinner, etc. I wont do it. The mere thought of having an allowance again terrifies me. Do i overspend some weeks? Yes, but i dont use a credit card to buy items anymore.

I dont rob peter to pay paul like i did in 2020. I budget right down to coupons for groceries and what my grocery bill will be before i enter the store. He says i need to trust him and let him hold onto all of our money together because his savings account is my savings account also. I just cant bring myself to do this unless i can have full access to the account as well. I dont see that being an option.

He recently sold a vehicle and put $16,000 in the savings and gave me $1,000 to spend on whatever i wanted to. So i put $200 in the bank, bought my kids each one christmas gift early (at a friends house so i dont hand it over now that were on sale and i paid $200 a piece per item) ordered myself new glasses ($275) and contacts($150).I wanted a hoodie for $20 and he said i gave you money did you spend it already?

I said kind of (he knew what i did with it) and he said he wasnt buying the hoodie because im irresponsible with money and he should have never given me the $1,000 and asked for receipts on everything i bought. He knew i went to the eye doctor, he knew how much i paid and he knew about the gifts i got now because i saved more than i spent on the christmas gifts.

Hes been very pushy about just holding all the money that his friends are beginning to make comments about it. Telling me i need to pay when we go out for drinks, telling me i need to pull that debit card out and pay the tab. I probably have $10,000 in the bank. I leave the tip, i dont drink when we go out aside from water. Occasionally will have a sipper, but i wont risk a DUI.

I tip because the bartenders are usually really good making sure my water is full all the time and i never go without it. So i take care of them. AITAH for not letting my husband have control of all the money?

Edit: I want to be clear the debt I acquired and had when we moved in together was from a past relationship, taking a huge pay cut and covid. During covid it killed my income. I hardly worked and was continuing looking for work while homeschooling both my kids. I robbed peter to pay paul and my exbf who lived with me didn’t want to help with anything and was a huge financial burden. I had to get that reeled in.

Edit 2: Our incomes are similar currently. In January, I was put up for a promotion, and once my training is complete, my monthly income will be 1.5 more than his current monthly income. My current income base off his base pay and not OT yearly is about $6,000 a year difference annually and can go up to $20,000 with OT.

Edit 3: his bills amount to roughly $700 a month, house is $400, leaving $300 openly for gas,water, electric. Mine- car insurance- $250 a month? It just changed again because he sold a vehicle and bought a different one. Last month, it was $337, phone a little over $264.03 includes internet, groceries, which range weekly from $200 to $400 a week depending on produce, meat purchasing etc. Which is a big reason why I haven’t been helping with household bills. I also pay for all streaming services which can be ridiculous too.

Update here: https://aita.pics/nxyoX

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Wrong_Moose_9763 −  Hell no, NTA. I walked away from a similar situation that you had with your ex. Your current husband sounds like his true colors are starting to show, be careful. Good luck!

Ernesto_Bella −  NTA: His comment that his savings bank is yours too is obviously disingenuous. By that logic, you shouldn’t have to give him any money because your savings account is his. Bit of friendly advice: Pay off all of your debts, then save up 25K before you ever buy anything else again (like the camper). The rest of your life will be much less stressful.

Global-Fact7752 −  NTAH…ALWAYS stay in charge of your own earnings. You can pay your fair share of living expenses without giving him control of your funds.

i_swear_too_muchffs −  It seems like you definitely have a type of man.

United-Manner20 −  NTA but please realize he is slowly repeating history. Your gut knows this. Trust your instincts.

No_Addition_5543 −  I feel your new husband is trying to be financially a**sive towards you.  I’m on a bank account with my partner.  My partner was going to give me access to everything in all his accounts but the bank employee carefully cautioned him against that. I don’t have an allowance.  I spend what I need to spend.  Usually I will ask if it’s ok if I’m going on a shopping spree but over the years I’ve been very conservative with my spending.

I’m concerned you may be getting yourself into a similar situation with your current husband.  He’s trying to withhold access to money that you earn.  He is accusing you of being financially irresponsible and trying to make you pay all the time when you go out – that is a**sive. There’s zero reason for you not to have access to your own money.  Your current husband is waving a massive red flag.  

DGhostAunt −  He is DYING to financially abuse you. Sounds like you married a man just like your ex. NTA.

Snakeinyourgarden −  NTA. Always have full control over what you make. Always. Never let anyone know how much you have in total. Ever. Trust me. I’m an accountant. (That part is only half joke).

Majestic_Bit_4784 −  NTA he doesn’t need to have your money that’s yours, is there a massive difference in income? Is there a massive difference in what he pays out for monthly bills?

VegetableBusiness897 −  Whywhywhy…. Split total bills to income so say 60/40 him/you (or whatever) and put into a *joint* household account, pad with an extra month of expenses for emergencies. Agree that any purchase over X amount has to be approved by both parties (ours is 400). We also have a fun account that we add to for vacations etc. The rest of our money is…our money, to each do with what we want.