AITAH for not helping my boyfriends family with home improvement tasks after he voluntold me?

A woman (25F) is being pressured by her boyfriend (26M) to help his sisters with significant home improvement tasks after he promised her assistance without consulting her. She owns her own home and values independence, but her boyfriend’s sisters often put themselves in difficult situations and expect her help.

She declined to help with repairing their trailer and finishing a kitchen renovation, citing the unreasonable expectations of free labor and her own boundaries. This led to a heated argument where she made it clear that if he couldn’t accept her limits, they shouldn’t get married. read the original story below…

‘ AITAH for not helping my boyfriends family with home improvement tasks after he voluntold me?’

I am 25f and my boyfriend is 26m. He had a mother and three sisters. Their father died when they all were pretty young, and honestly, none of them have really learned how to be independent. My dad raised me to be pretty independent. He told me to never depend on a man, and I don’t.

My dad owned a construction company, and he was one of the most talented woodworkers I’ve ever met. He taught me how to do a lot. I can work on cars within reason, cook, build furniture, lay tile, and do most home improvement type stuff.

And honestly, if I don’t know how to do something I’m pretty good at YouTubing it, and asking whoever I need to for pointers. My boyfriend and I live in a house that I solely own. I have made the house into what my boyfriend and I need. We are getting ready to get married, and maybe adopt a few children.

His sisters are all kind of helpless. I admittedly don’t really like any of them. His oldest sister has been dating this slimy guy, and they have four kids together. He binge drinks a lot, and doesn’t really do anything. He gets a disability check from pretending to be schizophrenic.

Their trailer is falling apart and their water isn’t coming on. She cried to my boyfriend and asked him to get me to come get their water working again, and fix some stuff. She said she can’t afford to pay anyone. He said sure, and casually told me. I told him no, definitely don’t want to go do that in my free time.

He’s upset because he doesn’t want to go back on his word to his sister. I suggested one of them can figure it out, or he can pay someone to do it. We have separate finances. His other sister started redoing her kitchen last month. She thought it would be easy.

Halfway through gutting everything she realized that she was in way over her head. Her boyfriend also broke up with her, and she had no one to help. He was the one mainly directing things. She asked my boyfriend to ask me to come help. He told her I would. I said no. Same problem.

We are having a fight right now. He thinks that I am not being a team player for his family. I told him that I don’t ask his family for anything ever, and it’s not my fault that they choose to put themselves in bad spots and expect to be bailed out. It would be reasonable if they were sick, and I brought them a meal.

Or if we watched the kids while someone is in the hospital. You know, normal family stuff. But I don’t think wanting me to go do real labor and spend my entire weekend on projects because of their fuckups is reasonable.

At the end, I told him if he isn’t okay with this boundary I’m setting then we have no business getting married. And the ball is in his court. He had apologized and let it go, but I can still tell that he’s fuming.. AITAH?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

FloMoJoeBlow −  NTA. If he had asked you first and then you declined, that’s one thing. But for him to commit you without asking is wrong. They can figure their own problems out.

hollowrift −  NTA. BUT – I think a deeper convo here would help. Tell him that this isn’t the way to get help on something. The right thing for him to have done in both situations is to say “yea I can see you have some challenges, let me talk to my fiancé and see if she has any suggestions.”

That’s a soft way of saying maybe. Reality of it is – neither one of you should be “volunteering” one another without talking to each other first, privately, not on the spot. You used boyfriend quite a bit in your post. Given you bring so much to the table (wealth and skill), you need to think about a prenup.

LakeGlen4287 −  NTA. Helplessness is really unappealing. In anyone. But it is especially u**y when it is coming from within your own possibly future in-law family members, and they are looking at you to do the manual labor for free. It is important you set this boundary right now, or it will never stop.

You need to get this straight with your BF/future husband, too. You do not want to marry someone who thinks it is, in fact, your job to be the general contractor for all the homes of all his family members, and general mechanic to all of their cars, all unpaid.

MasterpieceOk4688 −  NTA and this shouldn’t even being an issue. It should be common sense for your SO to not promise your help without asking. that’s basic respect.. is this his only red flag?

BugLady420 −  NTA Unless you ever said “oh I can help” or something to that affect, no one can expect you to do things. “You don’t ask you don’t get” is a saying that applies to this situation, perfectly.

SummerTimeRedSea −  NTA but do you really want to marry someone like him ? A man who think it’s his girlfriend job to go work to repair his familly home seriously ? Just the fact he was angry you said no and the fact he said yes without asking you is a BIG red flag but if you want to be his mommy all your life… it’s your choice.

RealMacMittens −  NTA. As an avid DIY’er, I dont want to do my own projects, let alone someone elses for free. Picking up someone elses half finished project is asking for a load a stress and problems. Not only that, projects aren’t free. When you need a tool or material, whose paying for that?

UndebateableMom −  But I don’t think wanting me to go do real labor and spend my entire weekend on projects because of their fuckups is reasonable.
It isn’t “wanting you to do real labor” – it is committing you to do it without asking you first. It is lack of respect and not a true partnership.

It is putting his family before you and your relationship. Think very hard about this as it is a sign of how your life is going to be. The expectation is always going to be there that you will be doing things for his family.

You’ll be enforcing your boundaries. And you will always be made out to be the bad guy – the one who isn’t helpful, the one who is selfish, the one who isn’t supportive.

Mermaidtoo −  I have relatives who are considerably more handy than me. I don’t ask them to work on my home but for advice. *Is this something I can do or should I hire someone?* *What’s the best way to handle this?* *Is a quote I’ve received reasonable?* That’s what your bf’s family should be doing.

You’re absolutely right to set boundaries. Now, they’re asking for you to fix things. If you do so, they will assume you will always help and even will plan home renos around your involvement. Five minutes of advice is reasonable. Five hours of work is not.. NTA

AdAccomplished6870 −  Why are you engaged to a no account b**?

Is she right to stand firm on her boundaries, or does being part of a family mean occasionally stepping up even when it’s inconvenient? How should couples navigate differing expectations about helping extended family? what do you think? share your thoughts below!