AITAH for not going to Thanksgiving because my cousin was a groomsman at my assaulters wedding.

A Reddit user opened up about a deeply personal dilemma surrounding Thanksgiving. Eight years ago, they were assaulted by a friend of their male cousin, who later became a groomsman at the assaulter’s wedding.

When the Redditor learned of this, it resurfaced their trauma, leaving them uncertain about attending the family holiday gathering where the cousin would be present. Despite their parents’ pleas and accusations of overreacting, they’re grappling with whether their absence is justified. Read the full story below.

‘ AITAH for not going to Thanksgiving because my cousin was a groomsman at my assaulters wedding.’

Ok this is a tough one. I was assaulted eight-ish years ago on a family beach trip by my male cousins friend. The night of the incident, I went to hospital, got a kit done, spoke to detectives, the guy was arrested in middle of night but he got a lawyer and bonded out…

I was traumatized and scared and decided not to pursue charges. Alcohol was involved, and I was warned that my uncle, who owned the house I was assaulted at, could have faced charges for letting minors drink (we were 19/20). Also since alcohol was involved I was terrified it wouldn’t stand in court.

I sometimes regret not doing charges but I was just too o**rwhelmed. Anyway, I never really spoke about it again. I did notice that soon after, my cousin who was friends with the assaulter blocked me on social media, but I didn’t ask him about it, and after a few years I felt fine seeing him for holidays/events and had no hard feelings.

A large portion of my family was on the beach trip but no one asked me about it and gave me space. I try to be a private person. I compartmentalized the hell out of that night and never tried to think about it, unless in therapy. Until about three days ago, it came to my attention that he was a groomsman in my assaulters wedding.

It was posted on social media and a person I am close to told me about it, because they thought it was messed up. I had no clue he and the guy were even still friends, let alone close enough to be in a wedding. My family hosts a huge thanksgiving every year- my entire family (40+ people) attend, including my cousin.

I told my parents that I wasn’t sure if I felt comfortable with attending if my cousin was there, as I feel betrayed and like he didn’t care about my a**ault. (He knows all details of the a**ault because he was present when his friend was arrested).

My mother told me that it wasn’t fair that I am “triggered” by a social media post and she can’t control that my cousin is still friends with this guy. My uncle is also still friends on Facebook with the assaulters parents and there’s no way he didn’t know his son was a groomsman at the wedding…

furthermore, my mom says that my uncle AND other uncle apparently have a “different perspective” on what happened that night and since I didn’t press charges and had been drinking, they assumed the a**ault was just a miscommunication.

That hurt so bad because part of the reason I didn’t press charges was to protect my uncle. My mom and dad say they won’t uninvite my cousin/uncle, and I told them it was fine because I truly didn’t want to ruin Thanksgiving BUT that I wasn’t sure if I was comfortable enough to attend myself.

My two younger siblings have no clue about my a**ault, so if I don’t go, I can’t explain to them why. Also if I don’t go, my toddler wouldn’t be able to go and we’d be celebrating alone. My mom says I’m over dramatic and I feel like I am going to ruin her and my siblings thanksgiving if I don’t go. AITA?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

New_Standard_8609 −  How is a police report and a rape kit over reacting? Don’t go.

RaymondBeaumont −  Your mom is fine ruining your thanksgiving, why should you care if you ruin hers?. Ask her that.

AdAccomplished6870 −  Your family finds the topic uncomfortable, so they prefer to pretend the SA never happened, it was just kids being drunk. You can either pretend it never happened, or be loud about the fact that it did. Being quiet, but assuming that people will acknowledge a very uncomfortable event, is simply not going to happen.

You should also ask your mother if she believes you, or if she believes like your uncles that your SA was just a miscommunication.
Worth finding out if the statute of limitations has expired or not. It seems like it isn’t worth it to protect your uncle, who thinks that you were not actually assaulted.

Bitbatgaming −  NTA. The dealbreaker when I read this is when your cousin willingly and passionately defended somebody who hurt you

VegetableBusiness897 −  TBH, your whole family kinda sucks with the ‘you somehow deserve the a**ault because you were drinking’…… Apparently they don’t understand how consent works. Personally I would peace out of the whole S show, including your parents. Tell them they can adopt the grapist if they need a replacement kid.

Fibro-Mite −  Stop calling it a**ault when you talk to these family members. It was rape. Call it rape. “A**ault” could be he groped you or forcibly kissed you, “rape” is entirely different. When people ask why you aren’t going, tell them you will not willingly spend time with rape apologists.

Also, tell your aunt and uncle that the only reason you didn’t press charges is that you were told they would get into legal trouble for allowing underage drinking. Can you go back to the police and re-open the case? I have no idea what the law is like where you are.

redditlurker1981 −  Your mom is a C**t of astronomical proportions. I’d rather celebrate every holiday alone for the rest of my life if my family sucked as hard as yours

AtomicBlastCandy −  NTA. Your cousin defended a man that assaulted you and your parents support him over you. To me it is that simple.

I would personally let everyone know what your cousin and his friend did and that the only reason you didn’t press charges was to protect your uncle, but to find out that they all support a rapist is too much and that you can’t be nice to such people.

canvasshoes2 −  NTA. So this man raped you and your cousin is seemingly fine with it. That’s just beyond the pale and shows what kind of man he is. If your mom says you’re “over dramatic” again, I’d put it in just those words too. Calling it “a**ault” is softening the reality.

People can put on a little rose-colored pair of glasses and tell themselves it wasn’t what they think it was. You should call it what it really is and ask her if she’s really okay with a man who is okay with a known rapist as a friend.

The very least she could do is not give you a hard time for not wanting to go to the family gathering and just pretend all is okay with that cousin.

Material_Cellist4133 −  Your mom is a b**ch. She cares more about perception than her own daughter. Why do you keep these toxic family members around?

I recommend therapy for what happened to you and help you heal. Also, the therapist can help you recognize the toxic relationships you have allowed to surround yourself with due to the pressure.. NTA

Do you think the Redditor’s decision to skip Thanksgiving is a necessary boundary for their well-being, or could there be a way to address the situation without avoiding the event? How would you handle this complex family dynamic? Share your thoughts below!