AITAH for not giving my sister who eloped as generous as a gift as my sister who had a traditional wedding?

A Reddit user shared his dilemma after he gifted his sister Jess a $100 Home Depot gift card when she eloped but gave a $500 gift to his other sister Katie, who had a traditional wedding. When Jess found out, she felt hurt, saying it seemed like favoritism and felt her marriage wasn’t respected just because she didn’t have a big celebration. Now, he’s wondering if he should have handled it differently. Read the full story below.

‘ AITAH for not giving my sister who eloped as generous as a gift as my sister who had a traditional wedding?’

My parents had me when they were really young, are still together now and had two more kids, my sisters Katie and Jess later on. Im 15 and 17 years older than them respectively. Because of the age gap, we didn’t really grow up together and sometimes I feel more like an uncle than a big brother to them.

Ive been fortunate in my career to do relatively well and Ive typically been pretty generous with them when it comes to things like Birthday’s, Christmas, and graduations. My sister Katie got married 2 summers ago and had your typical traditional wedding. Id guess around 125 people were there, it was very nice, and definitely not cheap.

I dont know how much they spent but I know my parents and her husbands only were able to contribute for about half the cost. The rest was my sister and her husband paying for it. They were super cool and let me and my wife bring our 2 kids even though I later found out the venue charged the same for kids as adults for the food and everything.

It meant a lot and I didnt want their inclusion to be a burden so my wife and I gifted them $500 as a wedding present to cover our plates plus a little extra.
My sister Jess has always been more “low key”. When she got engaged she told us all she would likely elope and nobody tried to convince her otherwise because it made sense for them.

They arent flashy and have always seemed pretty frugal, definitely not the type to throw a big wedding costing 10s of thousands. They announced a couple weeks ago that they eloped in the mountains with just them and the necessary witness. I was happy for them and didnt feel like I missed out on anything, Ive been to enough weddings that I dont have fomo, Im just happy they had what felt right for them.

Since they didnt have a wedding, I didnt think to get them a wedding present because you know no wedding…but they did just go under contract on their first home together so my wife and I got them a $100 gift card to Home Depot. I remember when I first bought my first home there were a lot of home improvement stuff and I made about 100 trips there so thought it would be a nice gift.

Apparently she asked Katie what they got for their wedding and she told them and now felt a certain way about our gift to them. She made a comment about feeling like their marriage wasnt respected enough because they didnt throw a big party and said it felt like I was showing favoritism.

I told her I have Katie more because she hosted my whole family and I know how expensive that is having paid for my own wedding. Jess kinda rolled her eyes and walked away after that interaction and we havent talked about it since. That was this past Sunday.

I thought it would be understood that the situations were just different and its unreasonable to expect the same generosity when you don’t give any generosity (aka hosting and feeding people) by not having a traditional wedding and not inviting us to celebrate with them. Maybe I am wrong though so wanted some neutral opinions.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

NotCreativeAtAll16 −  NTA. You got a wedding gift for the older sis partly to cover the cost of four plates at their wedding.  For my wedding last year, which wasn’t flashy, dinner was more than $100 a plate. Your $500 gift wouldn’t have covered the cost of your dinner, I think. At the end of the day, you likely helped fund their wedding and nothing more.

The other sis didn’t even have a wedding, so her gift is all gift. She’s a major AH for comparing the two situations. Honestly I wouldn’t have even given a gift to someone who didn’t have a party. That you did and she’s now saying it wasn’t enough makes her the AH of the story. 

fallingintopolkadots −  Ehhhh. I get the concept of the gift for Katie being “bigger” because they had a formal wedding and you’re “covering” for all of your plates. But, also, she’s your sister….. so I’m sure part of it was wanting to give your sister a nice gift to start her new married life? Maybe? (I personally think it should be)

Jess is also starting married life; she and her now husband just opted to not have a big wedding, but they *are* buying a house. So was the gift more of a “housewarming” type of gift, as opposed to “I’m celebrating your new marriage” kind of gift? Did they have a registry of any kind?

Only asking because I do know some people who eloped or had a micro wedding and created a registry because people — family and friends — still **wanted** to gift them something to celebrate the big step in their lives. It wasn’t about the “covering of their plates”, it was about their love of the couple and their relationship with them.

Not saying what you gave was *wrong*… but I can sort of see how Jess may have felt a bit slighted (kinda tacky to ask what you had gifted her sister… but also… sisters, so).

JC-Cracker −  NTA – My wife and I eloped. Months later my mom asked if we were going to do an open house. We never did, nor did we expect family to give us anything. It;s just what happens when you elope vs having a traditional wedding.

liquidmccartney8 −  NAH. Nobody is ever e**itled to a gift or a gift worth a specific amount of money, but I can totally understand how giving your sibling a cash gift in an amount that’s drastically lower than what you gave the other sibling for the exact same occasion would be looked upon as kind of a middle finger, so I can’t say she’s the a**hole for being offended.

I don’t understand or agree with your way of thinking about wedding gifts as repayment for inviting you to the reception at all, but you were within your rights to make the decision you made so I can’t say you’re the a**hole either. 

NapalmAxolotl −  NTA. You’re correct, eloping comes with different expectations. Formal etiquette requires a nice gift when you attend a wedding, and doesn’t expect any gift when you didn’t attend. It’s nice to give a gift if you want, but it’s expected to be smaller than you would have given at a wedding – exactly as you did.

Jess asked Katie about your gift specifically to start a fight. That’s garbage. Stand firm, you’re in the right. Don’t reward Jess’ attempt at manipulation – if you do, you teach her to manipulate again in the future.

superfastmomma −  YTA. The whole wedding gift should cover the cost of the wedding meal is something reddit LOVES and isn’t the way the vast majority ofnthe world thinks about it. It makes no sense. People don’t know how expensive a wedding will be.

People are at all kinds of different stages in life – when I was 21 and a wedding guest I’d have been hard pressed to cover the cost of attending a fancy wedding. Nor would a loved one who was disabled or going back to school. Are they then excluded from the wedding because the couple choose steak?

A wedding gift should reflect how close you are to the couple and your own finances, and not influenced by the amount of flowers at the ceremony. It’s your sister. Regardless of celebration treating them fairly equal is the most appropriate approach. You are celebrating the marriage and helping them get a start in their new life. Not buying meals.

Snoo_10910 −  YTA. People are harping on weird s**t about the apparent politics of wedding ceremonies, but what this actually boils down to is if you want to maintain an equal relationship with both of your sisters. If you like this sister less, there ya go. You’ve sent a pretty clear message. 

samiam221b −  INFO: is your sister more frugal because she has a lower paying job? Could she afford a wedding like Kate?

Right_Count −  INFO have you told your sister why? I agree with your actions and rationale. Your choice was perfectly appropriate as a congratulatory gift to someone who had an elopement.

I also understand why that comes off as being maybe spiteful of feeling less important. “You didn’t have a wedding so I didn’t give you a wedding gift” sounds n**ty even though it’s totally true, neutral, expected and normal.

But sometimes people also say that because they are pissy that their relative didn’t send them a proper wedding invite. Assuming you explained your rationale to your sister now that you know she’s upset, NTA and she needs to get over it. If you haven’t explained it to her yet, NAH.

Future-Crazy7845 −  I give all of my grandchildren and step grandchildren either $200 (up from $100 due to inflation) cash or equivalent gift from registry regardless of how they got married-in a park or in a church or in a distant location, whether I’m invited or not (sometimes the bride and groom invite only parents). All young people need money.

Do you think he was fair in adjusting the gifts based on the type of celebration, or should he have kept the gifts equal regardless of the wedding style? How would you balance generosity between siblings with different wedding preferences? Share your thoughts!