AITAH For Not Giving My Girlfriend My Social Security Number So She Can Run A Background Check On Me

A man (27M) finds himself at odds with his girlfriend (31F) after she demands his Social Security Number (SSN) to have her federal government friend run a background check on him. Her request stems from past trauma involving a deceitful ex, but he refuses, citing privacy and trust issues. Now their relationship hangs in the balance. Read the full story below…

‘ AITAH For Not Giving My Girlfriend My Social Security Number So She Can Run A Background Check On Me ‘

I (27M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (31F) for almost a year now. This evening she sat me down and said she needs to have a serious conversation with me and she asked for my social security number. I said absolutely not, why would you need that?

And she told me about her ex boyfriend that was basically living a double life. He had a bunch of criminal charges in his past that he’d never told her about and eventually exposed her to some sketchy and dangerous behavior before she broke things off after he cheated. I said okay, thank you for telling me that, but what does that have to do with my social security number?

She said ever since then she’s had her friend that works for the federal government run background checks on people to make sure they’re safe, and because our relationship is progressing she needs to know I’m a safe partner for her so she wants my SSN to check my criminal history. Now, for the record, I don’t even have a parking ticket.

I’m a nerd and a gym rat, all I do is work, go to school, play dungeons and dragons, come home, watch anime, rinse and repeat, so I don’t care about a background check, she won’t find anything. But I’m not giving out my SSN. I don’t feel comfortable enough providing that to her friend.

When I said that she got upset and said I don’t understand what women go through and it’s about safety. And I admitted she’s right, I have no idea what women go through, but that doesn’t mean I’m giving my SSN out to a complete stranger. She says he isn’t a stranger he’s one of her best friends and married to a close friend of hers.

And I said honey that’s great, but I don’t know him, I don’t trust him because I don’t know him. That’s MY information you’re asking for, you can trust him with your personal information if you want, but no one I don’t know is getting my SSN or critical details. It’s just not happening.

And she said that our relationship isn’t going to be able to progress unless I give him my SSN because she needs to know that she’s safe, and she’s offended that I don’t trust her taste in friends. I got up and left at that point and told her I respect her concerns,

but her past trauma doesn’t give her the right to try and strong arm me into giving out sensitive information to someone I don’t know just because he works for the federal government and has access to a database. I used to work for the federal government so I can say from experience, everyone working there isn’t some wonderful person.

I’m not assuming he’s a monster or anything, but just working for the feds doesn’t prove anything to me. She called me insensitive and hasn’t spoken to me since. Personally I feel like she was g**lighting me into giving her what she wants but I’m not sure.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

such_a_travesty −  NTA. I am a federal employee who does have access to some systems like that in order to locate people and it is 100% against the law to use them for personal reasons. In fact, we have to try all other reasonable ways to find someone before using these systems. There is something sketchy there. Also, you don’t need an SSN to do a background check. A name and address or birthdate are enough.

_s1m0n_s3z −  Her government friend is committing a felony. NTA. You want no part of this.

LAC_NOS −  NTA. I just had a background check completed. I’ve had them every five ish years for the last 20 because I volunteer with children. Some in state, some federal. I also have been screened by the govt for a permit several times.. I have NEVER had to provide a SSN. Sadly, I think your GF may the criminal and you may be her long-con mark.

Adventurous-Run-6475 −  Hey female here 👋. Run.

neverfearcovid −  NTA. You don’t even know if she’s telling you the truth. She should be stealing your SSN for all you know. Run, run away. Clearly she isn’t willing to address her trust issues. She needs therapy. Assuming everyone is a criminal and you need proof otherwise is incredibly toxic.

Sahills −  Wait, so… a **YEAR** in, she doesn’t trust you and needs a background check run? That’s acceptable/necessary/ok? Yet you not giving your SSN to a random stranger doing something illegal is you not trusting her, and not acceptable/ok?. Dafuq backwards logic is that? . NTA. 

Due-Yoghurt4916 −  What her friend is offering is illegal.  Report him and d**p her. FYI female here. This is not normal or healthy. RUN!!!!

facinationstreet −  No, nope, absolutely not. This has scam written all over it. Lock down your credit, look into getting life lock. Oh, and d**p her, change your locks and passwords and never look back.

stroppo −  NTA. You can do a background check on someone w/o a SSN (it may not be as thorough). So she could go ahead and do one anyway. You are right to not give yr SSN to someone you don’t know; you don’t know, for ex, how secure he keeps his information when he’s working on something, esp a job for a friend. Someone demanding my SSN like that would be a dealbreaker for me.

Safe_Perspective9633 −  Find out her friend’s name and report him. What he is doing is highly illegal. As for your girlfriend, I understand where she is coming from, but you could just run a background check on yourself and let her see it (I’d black out any information like SS# though).

Does her past justify her request, or is he right to stand firm on protecting his sensitive information? How would you navigate this situation? Share your thoughts below!