AITAH for not consoling my bf because I make more money?

A Reddit user is seeking advice after a tense moment with her boyfriend. Despite keeping her substantial income private, he accidentally saw a large business expense that left him questioning his role in their relationship.

When he later pressed her on her earnings, she gave a partial truth to avoid overwhelming him, but it led to an emotional reaction. Now, she’s struggling with how to handle the situation without compromising her success or upsetting him further.

‘ AITAH for not consoling my bf because I make more money?’

Reddit, I need a gut check if I’m the a**hole or not. I make a good deal of money (which I know people will say I’m the a**hole already lol), but I live a very modest lifestyle. My monthly budget is 4k a month and most months I profit 30k. I’m self employed so sometimes it’s more, sometimes it’s less. Next month– minor flex because I’m anon and I can– it’ll be around 80k pre-tax. Woohoo.

I have a boyfriend and we’ve been dating for five months. He’s a good guy, but more “traditional” than I’ve ever dated before. He works as an assist manager in a farming shop paying 15 dollars an hour. We’re both in our mid-thirties and live in the ass-end of nowhere. I only moved here to be close to my niece and nephew.

No, he doesn’t know what I make. We’ve only been dating a few months and I’m private about how much I’m squirreling away. I drive an older kia, bought a standard 3/2 house last year but have almost paid it off. The issue is he saw one of my invoices to a vender pop up on my notifications. Bill was about 5k.

He was shocked I was paying that much. I told him it was the cost of doing business and he was like, “Must be nice to drop twice what a normal person makes a month on business.” I’m usually water off a duck’s back when it comes to conflict so I told him it would be nice if I didn’t have to pay that bill at all.

He dropped it but I was getting a vibe from him the last few days. Seemed distant. I visited at his place and asked him what was wrong and I guess seeing me pay someone 5000 set him on a complete spiral. He’s trying to figure out how “he can be a man” when I’m off “paying other men” more than he makes.

I did not like the implications of that, like I’m a h**ker or something, and asked him if he freaks out on farmers who drop thousands on equipment. He said it was different and asked how much I make. He hasn’t asked before, which was a little on me because I always give the impression what I make isn’t that impressive.

I had a bad feeling so I lied and told him 120k, which is “officially” my salary take. (Hi IRS!) If you know what S-Corps are, you have an idea what I mean.
Anyway, he burst into tears. I think if I was nicer I should have consoled him or something? I know he’s feeling like a l**er — which he’s not.

He has a cool job IMO and he’s super knowledgeable about farm stuff which I find interesting. He’s a pillar in the community because we’re surrounded by ranches and he knows everyone, and again I find it really cool — but he was upset that I see more money on the regular than he sees in a year.

I may had dropped the ball a bit here and told him he’s going to have to find a way to be okay with not being the provider, and then just got out of his house. I just couldn’t figure out a way to make him feel better without lying more or making myself small. I guess I could have told him that working in a farm store is super f**king manly or something, I dunno. It’s easy to think of these things afterward.

My guess is it’s some early mid-life crisis, but I resent that it’s coming at my expense. That because I’m doing well, he feels bad. If I found out he secretly had a lot of family money I’d be really happy and glad for him.

But no, learning I could cover a 5000 dollar bill for my own business made him feel like less of a man to the point where he had to throw shade on me. That’s a “him” problem. I’m still kinda pissed about that.

I don’t know. I’m also coming from a place of super-privilege because it’s been a few years since I’ve had to think about bills and I don’t care what people say, that changes you. So am I the a**hole? (And also, what do I do now?)

Read more updates to the article here: https://aita.pics/TeJbC

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Longjumping_Desk3205 −  NTA. One of my brothers was married to a woman who made at least 4 times what he did. He did most of the cooking and she loved it. She thought my brother hung the moon. The only reason they’re no longer married is that her third battle with cancer took her. Neither of them ever had an issue with who made how much.

a-_rose −  NTA his inferiority complex is not your problem. You shouldn’t have to diminish yourself to make him feel good about himself. He should be proud of you. He should be pushing you to be the best version of you and vice versa.

If he hadn’t been snooping he wouldn’t have found out. If he hadn’t had asked intrusive questions he wouldn’t know how much you make. If he hadn’t have had a tantrum there wouldn’t be a problem. If he wants to be ‘the provider’ he should find someone who wants to be dependent on him financially. Do not ever dull your shine to make an insecure AH feel better about himself. You’re incompatible.

ggrandmaleo −  NTA. I was a blue-collar worker. The usual reaction to a wife who made more than my male coworkers was, “Now I don’t have to work overtime.” It was rare that it bothered them. The minority that were bothered by it ended up divorced.

HmIdkYImHere −  NTA at all. A normal, mature partner would be happy for you. I make more than my partner. It’s not a reflection on either of our work ethic or importance. It’s not your responsibility that his masculinity is so fragile that he gets upset by you earning more than him. Although your relationship might not survive.

PurpleLightningSong −  When I met my husband, he made 4x what I did. I didn’t have a degree, and he did. He told me I was really smart, showed me a bit about his industry. Now I make about 25% more than he does in the same industry. 

He’s tickled pink and so proud. He jokes that he’s a kept man and loves to joke that I’m the bread winner. I always tell him I got lucky and I owe it to what he taught me, but he’ll always counter that I did the work. We both say the other is smarter. He tells me all the time he thinks I’m better at this than he is. I tell him he’s better. We land on both being great just different strengths and we live doing projects together. 

Your partner should be proud of you, not competitive. It’s a partnership not a competition so it’s kind of a red flag that he’s viewing it that way. My husband and I think of the assets as joint so it doesn’t matter who makes more. At the end of the day it’s ours.

Senator_Bink −  *Anyway, he burst into tears.* As is absolutely the manliest thing to do when you find out your woman makes more than you. Yeah, this relationship isn’t going to last. Not your fault. NTA.

dazed1984 −  NTA. You’re not compatible he’s always going to have a problem with you earning more than him which is pretty sad in this day and age that men have an issue with this. Eventually if the relationship progressed you would have to disclose what it really is if he’s reacting like this now imagine what that would be like.

churchofdan −  NTA It’s sad some dudes are so weak about that stuff in the 21st century. I would be proud to have a hard working sugar momma!

altarwisebyowllight −  Honey, you gotta leave him. If you feel like you have to lie to him now, that’s just gonna snowball. Do you really want a relationship built on dishonesty? Find you a partner who supports your endeavors, whatever they are, not one that tries to hold you back. You want to be able to fly high together, not have one person chaining down the other.

jess1804 −  NTA. Why was he looking at your bills anyway?