AITAH for not allowing in-laws to be present on Xmas morning while our kids open gifts?
A Reddit user opens up about a disagreement with her husband regarding Christmas traditions. She cherishes spending Christmas morning privately with their young children, savoring the magic of Santa’s gifts, while her husband wants to include his parents in these moments.
With differing family traditions and expectations at play, the tension has sparked debates about fairness and whose vision of the holiday should take precedence. Read the full story below!
‘ AITAH for not allowing in-laws to be present on Xmas morning while our kids open gifts? ‘
Me (28F) and my husband (27M) disagree on how we should handle Christmas mornings. For perspective, I am an only child. Christmas morning was always done at home with my parents, and after opening gifts, we’d head over to my grandparents to celebrate with them.
They all still live local. My husband is the middle of 3, and they often had family that lived out of state. So Christmas morning was sometimes at their home, sometimes at a grandparent’s out of state, etc. we alternate our holidays between Xmas and Thanksgiving with our families.
Before having kids, we’d stay with them for a week or long weekend over Christmas. After having kids, I want to be home for Christmas morning, and then spend the rest of the day with my family or his family depending on year.
Our kids are still young, (2,1) but it is still such a special moment for me and I want it to be sacred and intimate amongst the four of us. We only get so many years of little kids on Christmas morning and I want to soak up every single moment. His parents live 3 hours away and are having his siblings come the 22nd-30th.
No one else has kids yet. I told my husband that we should have our kids open up presents on Xmas morning, and then make the drive to their place shortly after. He is calling me selfish and inconsiderate of his parents’ feelings because it would mean the world to them to watch the grandkids open presents from Santa.
His mom has made comments in the past how Santa would always travel for them wherever they went (being passive aggressive towards my feelings on it). We had the same argument last year.
I told my husband that they had their turn with their own kids, and this is now about us and our children. I still want to see and celebrate with his family, but only after we have Christmas just the 4 of us on that morning. Am I being unreasonable?
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Puzzleheaded_Bet_156 − I had exactly this issue years ago when my children were small but the grandparents with us were lovely.
We opened our presents at home on Christmas morning (just us)
And then travelled to Grandparents where, surprise, surprise, Father Christmas had left more presents for them to open in front of the extended family. Win. Win.
Long-Leading − NAH, if grand-parents offer presents, those can still lay in front of their chimney/stocking and be opened later at their place.
Wrong-Sink7767 − Why can’t it be both? The kids open gift from you and dad at home, and the gifts from grandparents at their’s?
LucifersLady666 − Info: let me see if I understand this. He wants to take all the Christmas presents with you for a 3 hour drive and then haul all the stuff, plus the presents from his family back?
RandomAmmonite − The first year your husband is trying to hide two big tricycles in the back of the car and then somehow smuggle them into the in-laws house so your curious preschoolers don’t see them he will start seeing the wisdom of your approach. NAH.
4th_chakra − He is calling me selfish and inconsiderate of his parents’ feelings. His parents had years and years of doing Christmas the way they wanted, with *their* kids. Now it’s *your* turn, with your own traditions.
Your husband is TA for still being his parent’s boy, and not considering his family. He is also TA for calling you selfish, when having a quiet Christmas morning with your young children, *then* spending the day with his family, is entirely reasonable.
His mom has made comments in the past how Santa would always travel for them wherever they went. AND the mother is TA for manipulating the kids, using “Santa” as an excuse, when it is her that is the selfish one.
She wants it to still be all about her, and your husband is doing what his mom tells him to do, like the good boy he’s always been to her.
Your husband needs to reorient himself. He has a loving wife, a new home, and 2 young children. Time to build your own traditions, and make YOUR Christmas special.. NTA
rockology_adam − NAH. I will tell you though that you’re closer than your husband, because you need to reframe his position to really get a good sense of it. This is not your desired tradition against your in-laws, but your husband’s. You need to get your head around that.
Your mother-in-law did not “have her turn”… your husband should have his, or at least, when you’re discussing it, it should not be dismissed as something that was just what they did, while yours is held up as a standard. You were lucky that your family were local.
My grandparents were another province, and there were a few years there where, if we wanted to see them at Christmas, it meant we spent Christmas morning there. Your kids won’t know the difference between one and the other unless you make a big deal out of it as the grow.
You say that Christmas morning at home is such a special moment (to you) but your husband feels like having family there with you is the more special moment. The reason this is no-A-hole-here is that you and your husband have the same problem, where you are both resistant to change.
As a former Christmas-at-grandparents kid, the one point I need YOU to consider OP is whether waking up at your own home actually leaves you time to see his family. This was always the issue for mine. If we held to waking up at our own on Christmas morning, it was absolutely guaranteed that we could not see the grandparents that day.
You, more specifically your husband, have a similar issue. Doing Christmas morning at your house, doing the whole big thing, and then going to his parents means his family won’t really see the kids Christmas Day.
Your family are nearby, you could do the morning and pop over for lunch, but for his family, if you restrict the morning to your home only, and then drive up, you arrive supper-time-ish, and your kids are hopefully asleep by 7pm. There are compromises here.
You need to finish Christmas morning and be on the road for 10am, for instance, to ensure that you get adequate time with his family. You do Christmas Eve with his family, and make the late night drive home to be at yours for the morning.
But the idea of always and forever blocking his family from most of Christmas Day because you think it’s extra special is leaning hard towards A-holery.
Individual_Ad_9213 − NAH; you (an only child) and your husband (middle of three) were reared differently and have come to think of XMas in different ways. To you, it’s about traditions within a small, tightly nit nuclear family; to him, it’s about a celebrating within a widespread clan of immediate family.
Quite honestly, where and when XMas gifts get opened is not a sword worth falling upon, especially for one and two year olds who have no clear idea about the commotion that is going on around them. My personal solution would be to open gifts at the home of the gift-giver(s).
This would give the grandparents the joy of watching their grandchildren open up at least some gifts. Where it should be spent should depend on who is hosting dinner and/or who has the best TV for watching football games (just kidding!).
In my family, we opened gifts up at midnight, had hot chocolate and cookies, and then went to sleep. That freed XMas day for us kids to play and to visit friends and neighbors.
Pintsize90 − NAH. I understand your desire to have your intimate family Christmas morning with your kids but you have to remember they’re not just *your* kids, they’re also your husband’s kids. This isn’t a disagreement between you and your MIL, it’s between you and your husband.
You’re right that your kids are only little for so long and maybe it would be equally as meaningful and important to your husband to see his children celebrate Christmas with his parents and siblings while they’re still small.
Plus you said that your kids are the only ones on either side of the family and kids bring the magic of Christmas morning! Of course you’re not required to forgo your own traditions for that reason, but it’s something to keep in mind when you’re discussing this (not just putting your foot down) with your husband!
Try not to forget: this is a good “problem” to have! Your children are blessed with 2 sets of living grandparents that love them, live near them, and want to spend Christmas loving on them. That is a blessing.
HailTheCrimsonKing − You are entitled to you wishes for Christmas as is he. But why are you the one to automatically decide what happens? “I told my husband we will not be staying with his parents” sounds pretty harsh. Decisions are made between both of you. YTA for that comment alone and thinking your wishes trump his
Is it reasonable for parents to prioritize their nuclear family traditions over extended family desires, especially during magical childhood years? Or should grandparents have a chance to share in the Christmas morning joy? How would you balance these competing expectations? Share your thoughts below!