AITAH for no longer being close to my daughter after she ignored her mother/my wife when she was very ill?
When family relationships unravel, the pain can cut deeper than any physical wound. Our OP, a 24‑year‑old man, shares a story of emotional distance that has grown since his 19‑year‑old daughter repeatedly shunned her mother—his wife—when she was very ill. Years ago, his wife’s sudden behavioral changes and subsequent tragic accident, which revealed a brain tumor, plunged the family into turmoil.
As his wife struggled to recover and relearn basic skills after extensive emergency surgery, their daughter reacted by avoiding her in public and even badmouthing her to others. Over time, these actions have left a lasting emotional scar, and now, as their daughter is set to visit for the summer, the OP feels an uncomfortable distance that he fears might hurt both his wife and daughter. He’s left wondering if he’s the asshole for no longer feeling close to his daughter due to her past behavior.
Despite the close-knit family his parents once maintained, the shifting dynamics and his daughter’s callous behavior during a time of crisis have forced him to reassess the bonds that once tied them together. He finds himself torn between his duty to his wife—who still eagerly awaits their daughter’s return—and his own inability to reconcile with the hurt he experienced.
Now, with therapy sessions not entirely bridging the emotional gap, he questions whether his current detachment is justified or if it makes him the asshole for distancing himself from his daughter.
‘AITAH for no longer being close to my daughter after she ignored her mother/my wife when she was very ill?’
Navigating long-term familial wounds, particularly in blended relationships where one partner’s behavior during a crisis leaves lasting scars, can be exceptionally challenging. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist known for her work on relationship dynamics and emotional trauma, notes, “When a child’s behavior during critical family moments consistently undermines the support system, it can create a persistent emotional divide that may never fully heal.” (kidshealth.org) In this case,
the OP’s daughter’s refusal to engage with her mother during her time of dire need was not a one-time slip—it was a pattern that has etched deep into the fabric of their relationship. Dr. Durvasula further explains that, “Grief and trauma affect people differently, and sometimes children, even when young, can form coping mechanisms that involve distancing themselves from painful situations.” This can result in long-term detachment, which the OP is now experiencing.
Additionally, family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson emphasizes, “When one partner, particularly a parent, is repeatedly disregarded or devalued during times of vulnerability, it is natural for resentment and emotional distancing to develop over time.” Her insights underscore that the OP’s inability to feel close to his daughter now is a realistic outcome of years of emotional neglect and unresolved grief.
While some might argue that a parent should work harder to repair the relationship, experts assert that healing must be mutual and that boundaries, once set in moments of intense emotional hurt, can be difficult to overcome. The OP’s struggle highlights the need for potentially more targeted family therapy, but his current feelings are a valid response to a long history of emotional abandonment.
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
Many redditors sympathize with the OP, arguing that if a child chooses to ignore a parent during a time of crisis, the resulting emotional distance is a natural consequence. “You gave your wife the support she needed; if your daughter isn’t willing to do the same, it’s not entirely your fault,” one commenter noted.
In the end, the OP’s decision to distance himself emotionally from his daughter—after she repeatedly ignored her mother during a time of critical need—seems like a natural, albeit painful, response to long‑standing hurt. While some might argue that a parent should always work to repair familial bonds, it’s equally valid to recognize that certain actions can leave irreparable gaps.
The question remains: is it fair to stop feeling close to a child who has chosen to prioritize self‑preservation over familial love? Would you try to force reconciliation, or allow the wounds to heal at their own pace? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation?