AITAH for letting my kids loot my brother’s house to prove my point?

Family visits can sometimes spark unexpected battles, even over seemingly trivial matters like Lego. I (34M) have a playful tradition of setting up fun Lego dioramas at home with my kids. When my brother and his family visited last month, my nephew took some of our Lego pieces home, which I later discovered were missing.

Despite asking my brother to return them, he brushed it off as “kids being kids.” Frustrated by his forgetfulness, I decided to set a boundary in a way that might seem extreme: at a family BBQ at his house, I told my kids that if our Lego wasn’t returned, anything in his house was fair game.

The kids went to town, and when we left, nearly all of his remotes, small electronics, and beer mugs had vanished. Now, after returning his calls and eventually swapping items, my parents and extended family are questioning whether my actions were justified or if I took it too far. Am I the asshole for letting my kids loot his house to prove a point?

‘ AITAH for letting my kids loot my brother’s house to prove my point?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, explains, “When playful boundaries are set within a family, it’s essential that everyone understands the underlying message. In your case, the incident with the Lego reflects deeper issues of respect for personal property and mutual accountability. Although your actions were meant to be a lesson, the method—using ‘loot’ as a consequence—might escalate tensions rather than resolve underlying conflicts.”

She continues, “It’s important to address these issues directly with all involved parties rather than using indirect methods that could lead to further resentment. A conversation about expectations and respect might have prevented the situation from escalating into a ‘loot the house’ scenario.”

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship and family expert, adds, “Family conflicts over property can be emotionally charged, even when the items in question are not of high monetary value. Your approach was a form of boundary-setting, but it may have crossed a line by involving your kids in what can be perceived as an act of retaliation. Effective conflict resolution in family dynamics typically involves clear, honest dialogue about boundaries and consequences.”

Both experts agree that while your frustration is understandable, the strategy of letting your kids ‘loot’ your brother’s house is an extreme response that might further damage familial relationships in the long run.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Several redditors expressed support for your decision. One user commented, “If your brother keeps brushing off your requests to return your stuff, you have every right to set boundaries. Sometimes you have to be firm to get people to take you seriously.”

Another user shared, “I get that you wanted to teach a lesson, but involving your kids in ‘looting’ might have been too much. It’s a clever idea in theory, but it could also create lasting resentment between families.”

Ultimately, your decision to use the situation as a lesson by allowing your kids to ‘loot’ your brother’s house was a strong reaction to repeated disrespect of your property. While your frustration is completely understandable, the method you chose might have been too extreme and could worsen family relations in the long run.

This situation raises an important question: How do we set effective boundaries with family members who repeatedly disregard our wishes, without resorting to actions that might escalate the conflict?

What would you do if you were in a similar situation where your boundaries were constantly being ignored? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the delicate balance between assertiveness and maintaining family harmony.