AITAH for letting my cousin play white elephant?

A Reddit user shares a holiday dilemma involving a family White Elephant game. The user let a cousin who forgot their gift use one of theirs, thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal. However, this decision upset their wife, who felt excluded from the experience. Now, they’re wondering if they made the wrong call.

‘ AITAH for letting my cousin play white elephant?’

My (30M) parents hosted a Christmas party, and as always, we played White Elephant/Dirty Santa. My wife (27F) and I brought two gifts to contribute. While my wife was feeding our baby, the game started, and my little cousin mentioned he forgot to bring a gift. I told him he could use one of ours so he could still participate.

When my wife came back, I told her what I had done, and she seemed fine with it at the time. We played the game together, and at the end, I chose a gift to steal that was different from the one she wanted, but again, she didn’t say anything in the moment.

Later, when we got home, she told me she was upset because she had picked out the gifts we brought and didn’t get the chance to fully participate herself. I told her it was just a game and pointed out that all the gifts were things we could easily buy later if we wanted.

I’m confused because she didn’t seem upset during the game, and I didn’t think she’d mind me letting my cousin use one of our gifts to join in. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

AlexGrahamBellHater −  Yep YTA, a pretty major one. You displayed that you’re inconsiderate and thoughtless. Your wife was feeding the baby and your family couldn’t wait another 15-20 minutes to start? So y’all just went on ahead and played without her while she was feeding the baby.

Your wife got two gifts instead of one for the game because she CLEARLY wanted to play too. But y’all went on without her because she had responsibilities as a mom and y’all were too impatient to wait. You should’ve asked to see if the family could just hold on for a minute.

Your cousin comes in with p**s-poor planning and you bail them out by giving your wife’s gift to them to pass off as their own so they could play in the game. You gave away your wife’s spot instead of yours. So now y’all are sharing your one spot instead of the two that y’all should’ve had but you gave it away to your cousin who knows about the tradition and failed to get anything for the game and coasted on the excuse of he’s 15 like he’s some kind of helpless child.

To make matters worse, not only did you give away her spot and robbed her of a chance to play in a fun Christmas game, you had a chance to steal an item and instead of what she wanted, you got what Y-O-U wanted. So she didn’t get a chance to really play in the game and she didn’t get a chance to try and get anything that she might have wanted from the game.

To make it EVEN WORSE, you’re now telling us you basically didn’t care with the “it’s just a game…I don’t know why she’s so mad” – She’s mad because she bought the two gifts, wrapped it herself, and was excited to play the game for the gifts she bought for your family. But because you didn’t give a f**k, she missed out on something she was excited for, planned for, and bought TWO gifts for so you BOTH, B-O-T-H, could play the game.

But as fate would have it, she had to feed the baby and it’s not like she can tell the baby to f**k off and wait because they don’t work that way. So she had to leave the game, find out her husband gave away her spot, play the game with him, and watch as her husband steals an item that he doesn’t care about when she had something she wanted from the game.

I’d be pretty f**king salty if my partner was that inconsiderate too. She didn’t make a scene at the party because she’s a woman of class and maturity and knows better than to make a scene in front of family so in a show of respect for you (which you better step up in showing HER respect), she waited until y’all could talk about it privately to discuss how what you did made her feel.

Please don’t be a further AH and dismiss her and her feelings. They are valid, you were inconsiderate, and if i were you, I’d be working on an apology. It may not seem like a big deal to you but this is the type of thing that women notice and remember and enough of these things can spell the end of your relationship if you ain’t careful because people don’t really like not being thought of by the person they love the most in the world. It’s always the little things man.

Significant-Bobcat48 −  YTA. You could’ve given up your own spot lol why did it have to be her spot? If you were taking turns playing, and she wanted a certain gift, just pick the one she wanted. Clearly you don’t care abt the gift and she does, so what’s the harm in making her happy?

Kind-Protection2023 −  Omg. YTA. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a room feeding a baby while everyone else has fun. First, you allowed the game to start without her. And second, you gave her gift away. Terrible behaviour on you and your family’s part.

ncslazar7 −  YTA. She didn’t say anything because you were in front of family and she didn’t want to start an argument and embarrass you both. It was kind of selfish to give away your wife’s gift without asking her, and your family could have waited for her to come back before playing. Your cousin also forgot to bring a gift, and should have sat out.

_iamstardust_ −  YTA. My guy, your wife isn’t upset that you let your cousin play the game. It’s that you took her completely out of the equation. How hard would it have been to consult with your wife on the initial decision to let your cousin play one of your gifts?

But since you didn’t ask and went ahead and “donated” one of your gifts, you should have acted like it was YOUR gift you donated and let your wife play (i.e. steal the gift your wife wanted). Instead you stole the one YOU wanted. See what you did there? You did it twice. That is what your wife is upset about. It’s not rocket science.

JohnGradyBirdie −  YTA. You gave away her gift when you could have given yours. Then later you stole a gift instead of letting her decide? Geez, do you ever think about how your wife feels?

Mikey4You −  Absolutely YTA. You should have given your cousin your gift and played for your wife until she returned from FEEDING YOUR BABY, then turned it over to her to finish up. Let’s count the ways in which you assholed:

1) Your cousin, so if you choose to surrender a gift it’s YOURS not YOUR WIFE’S.
2) Your wife wasn’t and you made a decision on her behalf.
3) Your wife feels disregarded because she, likely not for the first nor last time, missed out because she was engaged in child care.

4) You made a second unilateral decision for the two of you when you stole the gift YOU wanted.
5) She had the grace to not express her anger and disappointment in front of your family and dismissed her very valid feelings.
Going forward how about you disengage from social events so to take care of your child so your wife can continue participating and make the decisions on your behalf.

PublicTrainingYVR −  YTA. I’m a pretty abrasive d**k in most scenarios, and I can still agree that you’re the a**hole here. Our family does white elephant in lieu of everyone buying gifts for everyone (and insane amount of money and time wasted, just for show). So now, the “show” of gift giving is the single-gift exchange/white elephant game.

On a certain level, I’m sure she was hurt because her participation in it goes beyond choosing the end gift (that she also knows can be purchased separately), but is in fact tied to the act of playing with the rest of family, and “giving/receiving” the gifts amongst eachother.

Our family waited till drinking age to let us participate in the adult’s white elephant, so we watched it as a tradition and then grew into it as our own. We’ve kept the same rules for younger cousins doing the same. Maybe this is why the mere suggestion that your young cousins would take your wife’s place (while also just… “forgetting” to bring a gift to your family Christmas party and gift exchange?) seems more of an overt transgression than you perceive.

Beyond that, your cousin seems stupid and s**tty tbh, and you should start pointing that out to them before they become a stupid and s**tty adult we all have to deal with because their family wouldn’t raise them right. Being 15 isn’t an excuse. Most 15yr olds through history were already leaders of household. Start asking more of your own, and you’ll get it.

Don’t reinforce laziness by bailing out an unprepared cousin with your wife’s gift and participation in Christmas tradition. So again, yes YTA, but you’re also pretty clueless for not foreseeing this, and more-so for having to ask reddit

AnitaTacoTwo −  YTA. That was YOUR gift you gave away. Not hers. She should have been the one playing, not you. Selfish much?

justmeread −  Why does the excuse “it’s just a game” apply to your wife but not your cousin? And yea, it was your cousin, your decision it should have been YOUR gift.