AITAH for leaving my partner and refusing to be involved in any way, shape or form, after they stopped taking the pill and pierced our condoms to have a child? (UPDATED)?

A Reddit user recounted a distressing situation where his partner deceived him by secretly stopping birth control and tampering with condoms to get pregnant, despite his firm decision to remain child-free. This betrayal led him to cancel their engagement and refuse any involvement in the pregnancy, which has now escalated into a complex legal battle. Read the full story below to understand the difficult choices he’s facing.

‘ AITAH for leaving my partner and refusing to be involved in any way, shape or form, after they stopped taking the pill and pierced our condoms to have a child? (UPDATED)?’

ORIGINAL: My partner has been on the pill throughout our relationship and we’ve been in a bit of a battle these past few weeks over having children.
I categorically said that I don’t want them and started using condoms for double protection.

This morning, she told me that she’s pregnant and I asked how this could happen when we’d been so careful. She admitted to coming off the pill and piercing through the condoms that we have stored. I’ve said that I don’t want this and that I’m not up for marrying into a relationship based on lies.

She says she’s keeping it and has already told her friends as, according to her, she’d done the test eight weeks ago and was keeping it quiet in the hopes that I’d change my mind. I have no idea what to do here. Help. I am in England and am 29..

UPDATE: Firstly, thanks so much for all your comments. I didn’t expect this to blow. up quite so much as it did. Secondly, I want to get a few things straight as people seem to be struggling with timelines:

a) My partner and I were due to get married in a few short weeks. We have had many long and involved conversations during our relationship about us both wanting to remain a child-free family over the years that we have been together.

Around 2–3 months ago, they started to appear to change their mind, which I feel insecure and unhappy about as it is not something that I want from life, which is why I’d booked a vasectomy through NHS. (I cannot afford to go private as money is very tight, again another reason I do not want children.)

b) she admitted to tampering with condoms and said that she’d come off the pill several weeks ago. At that point, prior to her saying that kids ‘might’ be an option for her, we were still having s** and I was under the impression that we were protected as she was on the pill. I have made no secret about how I do not want kids and she is fully aware of my reasons behind that, which I do not have to share with strangers on the internet.*

c) she has shown me a test and it confirms that she is pregnant. I have asked that she get an a**rtion, she has refused and I feel the trust has gone completely from our relationship. We are now in the process of cancelling the engagement, which she isn’t happy with at all and has said that I’m ‘ruining’ her life.

Now, for those people telling me to go to therapy, man up or that I’m lying. It’s great that you disagree with me but I’d never tell you to attend therapy if your worldview differed to mine, that I should be ‘at fault’ after my partner has lied to me (apparently for months) and that I’m a l**r. Here’s a few other things for you.

1. No, I do not like kids and I don’t like e**itled parents. I see it the same as disliking dogs, cats or birds. That is my opinion. Not for everyone and not all people have to tolerate your madness. (My disinterest and lack of care towards them is one of the MANY reasons why it would be idiotic for me to be a father.)

2. Those calling ‘b**lshit’ on the 21+ wedding venue thing are just wrong. It’s a stipulation of the venue we chose, nothing more and nothing less.

3. The plane thing happened several years ago. The smoking area fiasco occurred over a year ago. Colleagues bringing their newborns into work is a continued pain and just really gets my goat, just like some people don’t like Susan to eat her tuna mayo baguette.

It shows a complete and utter lack of etiquette and thought by parents who are coming out in their droves to tell me how wrong I am … about THEIR decision. Will provide updates as and when I get through all the comments.. Be kind people.

UPDATE 2: I spoke to a lawyer earlier today who has advised that as we are not married that I won’t automatically be added to the birth certificate. Woohoo.

My ex-partner can still claim that I’m the biological father but without my consent to a DNA test is unlikely to be able to prove it, unless it is ordered by the court, but as I’ve been coerced into this my lawyer thinks ex-partner and family will back down as I have evidence.

The lawyer advised that I don’t waive my parental rights yet as it would indicate that I still believe the foetus could be mine. So, I just have to bide my time … and leave the country till this all. blows over. The lawyer also suggested that I go self-employed but didn’t divulge the specifics.

My ex-partner has admitted to coming off birth control and piercing the condoms, which she said she’d done around three months ago(!) as she knew I was due a vasectomy early next week and thought I’d ‘change my mind’. She has refused to have an a**rtion, which is her right, and I’ve refused any involvement. Has anyone been through this before and managed not to pay out? I think I’ve got a pretty good case!.

UPDATE 3: My ex-partner is going to keep the baby. She wants me to be involved in her life and says she doesn’t want to lose me over something like this. (A life-changing, unwanted event? Yeah, sure! Haha.)

I have said that I will be having nothing to do with this mistake and that all responsibility now lies with her and her family. She has been blocked from using any form of mobile communication with me and I have now been sent three letters by her to my parents’ house.

The last letter included a scan of the embryo and a note requesting that I submit a DNA sample. The scan has confirmed that she is 13–14 weeks pregnant, which means that she kept this hidden for a good chunk of time.

She has said that she will not have an a**rtion as this is what she always wanted and that she will be taking me to court if I don’t offer to help. The more time that goes on, the more she makes this an awful situation, the more I hate her.

I refused the DNA test and sent her screenshots (on my lawyer’s advice) of the conversation where she admitted to coming off the pill and piercing condoms in an ‘attempt’ to get pregnant. She has now gone quiet … until this morning.

She is pursuing legal action against me, my family and is looking for a private arrangement of child support. The amount she wants for this bag of cells is triple the recommended amount via the government and is one of the reasons she is trying to get me to admit that it’s my DNA in that embryo so that can get ‘keep me’.

I have just lost my job. I have no savings. This is going to ruin me, my life and the only way out that I can think of is just to run off a cliff and hope for the best.. I hate this.

UPDATE 4: My ex’s parents have now got involved and have lumbered me with a court-ordered DNA test OR the option to lay child support and have no involvement. I have dug my heels in and said that everything she has done will constitute involvement from the police and am trying to avoid legal battles as I have no money or means to support myself right now, let alone a child I never ever wanted.

My parents are now asking me to reconsider my position and I want scream every time they bring it up as they’re ’trying to find a positive’ and have said it might ‘be the best thing to ever happen’ to me and it makes me physically sick every time I think about my life being ruined over someone else’s deception. I cannot sleep. I cannot focus. I’m so scared.. (I have now had a vasectomy.)

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Every_Guard −  Have you discussed with your lawyer standing on the grounds of sexual a**ault cause you never consented to unprotected s** and she admitted to tampering with birth control? There’s a pretty good chance you will need to pay child support. Really just follow everything your lawyer advises.

Cursd818 −  NTA. What she did is considered reproductive coercion, a form of sexual a**ault in the UK. You could absolutely press charges for that. Sadly, you will have to prove paternity for that, and the law would likely barely reprimand her, but would absolutely demand that you pay child support, despite the child being born of rape.

That said, now that you have no income, they can’t demand child support from you right now anyway. Look into this more closely, perhaps speak to another lawyer. Leaving the country is extreme, but it is a very good option to allow you to work but refuse to contribute to a child she forced upon you.

If you do this, research which country’s have agreements to pay child support across borders. You really need to think about what kind of future you want. If you want to stay in the country, I’d advise you to press charges against her for s*xual a**ault.

It’s the only chance you have of getting some leniency regarding child support. Telling everyone how she has defrauded, trapped, and is now trying to extort you is also a good idea, since social peer pressure is a very powerful thing.

I’m very sorry this has been done to you. If you press charges, get a restraining order as well, and talk to social services about the child. Rapists don’t tend to make good parents.

If you make it clear that you intend to destroy her reputation and will advocate for the child to be removed from her care due to what she’s done, she may back off. And tell your family to get their priorities right. They should be supporting you after what has been done to you, and nothing else.

[Reddit User] −  Holy s**t please NEVER listen to your parents, do NOT GO BACK. I promise you if you ever did go back, this sets the tone of your entire relationship… she will manipulate and lie her way into every situation to force you to do whatever she wants until you just give up and become a wallet for her.

I’m a woman saying this, I know the wallet part sounds like a man but I’ve met women like this and holy F**K I’m so sorry for the unborn child… she should’ve aborted it, she’s going to ruin their entire life.

Hefty-Analysis-4856 −  It’s not a f**king mistake, she was premeditated and planned this all out. She took your reproductive choice away and then calls you the bad guy lol.

picklelady −  stealthing is illegal in the UK, isn’t it? bring criminal charges.

JTBlakeinNYC −  NTA. Men have reproductive rights too. She violated yours.

MissRage92 −  As a woman I am f**king disgusted by her behaviour. What an absolute piece of s**t she is.

naranghim −  NTA. File a police report for reproductive coercion.

millimolli14 −  This is way past being about the baby for me, her lies, control and manipulation are off the scale, honestly this is disgusting, she’s a vile disgusting person!

Ilovepunkim −  She s*xually assaulted you. F**k this b**ch. NTA.