AITAH for leaving my family without a turkey after my mom criticized my fiancé and said she wouldn’t be a good wife and mother?

A Reddit user shared a heated Thanksgiving conflict: when their mom asked their inexperienced fiancée to prepare the turkey, they opted to bring a store-bought one instead. This led to harsh criticism from the mom about the fiancée’s suitability as a wife and mother.

The user ultimately left the family gathering, taking the turkey with them, and spent the evening with their fiancée’s family instead. Now, their sister accuses them of ruining Thanksgiving and is demanding an apology. Read the story below for the full context.

‘ AITAH for leaving my family without a turkey after my mom criticized my fiancé and said she wouldn’t be a good wife and mother?’

29M. A few weeks ago, I got engaged to my fiancé Julia. I love her very much and 100% sure she’s the one I want to marry. I’ve always been close to my mom, but sadly, Julia has never been her cup of tea. Julia is very career oriented, and cannot cook or decorate to save her life.

My mom, on the other hand, prides herself on being a great cook and having the house perfect. In the past, she’s expressed concern that Julia and I are too different and she won’t be a dedicate wife and mother. I’ve always thought these criticisms were unfair and continued to pursue the relationship.

We went to my family’s house for Thanksgiving this year and usually, my mom prepares everything herself. Strangely, when Julia called and asked if we could bring anything, she asked if Julia could do the turkey. As I mentioned, Julia has very little cooking experience, and told my mom she was worried about ruining the meal.

My mom told her she should just try and that she’d have to learn to cook at some point. Julia was stressed about making the turkey and also has been extraordinarily busy with work. Instead of cooking, we decided to pick up turkey from Whole Foods. Julia was exited that she could contribute and also didn’t have the stress of ruining the meal.

When we got to the house, my mom asked how Julia how she prepared the turkey. Julia said sheepishly that she’d purchased it from Whole Foods. My mom was furious. She said she trusted Julia to make the turkey and said that she prides herself on serving a home cooked meal to her guests.

Julia apologized and said she just wanted to make sure the family had something enjoyable and that the turkey we bought would be better than anything she tried cooking. My mom spent the next hour pouring and whispering to her sisters. I pulled her to the side and asks if everything was okay.

My mom said she asked Julia to make the turkey and she couldn’t even be bothered to try. She said this showed a lack of respect and also an unwillingness to “grow up.” My mom proceeded to tell me that she doesn’t think Julia is the one for me and is worried about her ability to care for herself and our children. I was fuming.

I told my mom that Julia is amazing, and her lack of cooking skills is not an issue for me in the slightest. I said that if my mom couldn’t respect my fiancé, I didn’t want to spend the holiday with them. My mom said my fiancé is the one who doesn’t know how to respect others and I’m delusional if I can’t see that.

I ended up taking the turkey and telling Julia we were leaving. We drove across town and enjoyed a wonderful night with her family. Julia and I are both devastated, but I’ve assured her that this my mom’s issue and not hers. About half an hour ago, I got a call from my sister. She said we ruined Thanksgiving by leaving and also taking the turkey.

I said I didn’t realize they’d want the turkey since my mom was so critical. My sister insisted it was a misunderstanding and that cooking means a lot to our mom because it’s how she expresses love. She interpreted the lack of effort as Julia not making an effort to bond and assimilate with the family.

My sister is asking me to apologize, but I feel we’re the ones who are owed an apology. I’ll also note that my mom has never once asked me to make the turkey and it seems like a double standard that she suddenly expects Julia to do it. It also seems like she’s trying to turn my wife into someone she’s not. Aitah?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

compassrunner −  NTA: It sounds like your Mom is really on a power trip and can’t stand that your fiancé has replaced her in your life.

No_Welcome_7182 −  My in laws started to complain to my husband shortly after we were married about the things I didn’t do or didn’t do the way they wanted me to. He told them not to make him choose between his wife and them. Because they wouldn’t be happy with the choice he made. OP needs to tell him mother the same thing.

Kyra_Heiker −  It sounds as if your mother doesn’t care at all what you want in a wife. She is imposing her own feelings on your relationship and needs to stop. You need to make and enforce boundaries and you’re off to a good start.

RelevantLeadership63 −  NTA. Your mom set a trap for Julia and honestly I’d go no or low contact because that’s just gonna get worse. Parents this crazy usually make you try to decide between them- so just keep that in the back of your mind. But your mom sucks.

If your mom doesn’t shape up and learn to respect her son and soon to be daughter in law- she’s gonna learn what it’s like to not have a son I fear. (I say this in case you convince your mom to read the comments)

Alwaysorange1234 −  I love the fact that you took the turkey, and then they complained. That’s hilarious. Your family has very obvious double standards. Well done for calling them on it, and do not apologise. Neither of you did anything wrong.

[Reddit User] −  NTA in the SLIGHTEST; but first of all, good on you for standing up for your fiance. Your mother is extremely unreasonable, not to mention rude. Sure, not everyone can cook well. That isn’t a big deal or anything to be ashamed about.

A turkey was still brought. It’s not “disrespectful” of your fiance to not cook. And then to complain that you didn’t leave the very same turkey they bitched about? Come on now. Truthfully, it seems like your mother might be jealous or dislike your fiance heavily for whatever reason.

Katiew84 −  NTA. Your mom was “testing” Julia. It was an intentional lose/lose situation. Your mom is not someone I’d want in my life. Are you sure you want her in yours? Please don’t make Julia go near your mom ever again. It seems your mom is disrespectful and m**ipulative, and she has it out for Julia.

New-Number-7810 −  NTA. Your sisters helped your mother b**ly Julia. She doesn’t get a say. Even if Julia cooked a turkey herself, and did an objectively good job, your mother would still find a reason to complain. She made up her mind about Julia month ago and has no interest in changing it for any reason.  It wouldn’t surprise me if your mother intentionally set Julia up to fail.

Sea_Firefighter_4598 −  NTA your mom set her up and you handled it beautifully.

pickameedummies −  NTA for sure. Also, good on you for standing up for your fiancée. Congratulations to you both and happy Thanksgiving!

Do you think the user was justified in leaving the family gathering after their mom’s comments? Should the sister have been more understanding about their decision, or was it wrong to take the turkey and go? How would you handle such a family dynamic during the holidays? Share your thoughts below!