AITAH for leaving my boyfriend ‘behind’ when I found out he planned to have a ‘traditional’ family?

A Redditor shares their story of breaking up with their long-term boyfriend after college due to conflicting beliefs about family and life goals. Years later, an awkward encounter with mutual friends brought up old tensions, leaving the OP questioning if they were too harsh in prioritizing their career and independence over the relationship. Were they wrong for walking away? Read the full story below.

‘ AITAH for leaving my boyfriend ‘behind’ when I found out he planned to have a ‘traditional’ family?’

For context: I (23F) left the country two years ago just after college graduation. I also broke up with my ex (24M) because I didn’t want to do long distance and our beliefs didn’t align anymore.

We both come from the same culture and dated throughout college, but while I wanted to move abroad, and study further, considering the safety of women in my home country, his plans were that he would stay and take care of his family (we were both the eldest children of the family).

Neither of us was technically willing to adjust, however, what made me d**p him was that he just turned into a different person in the last months of the relationship. He wanted me to act like a ‘traditional’ woman if we were to have a proper family.

He would constantly say things like ” Women have been historically adjusting for their loved ones and can you say every single woman was unhappy about it?” and ” Why are you so selfish, does our future not matter to you? Do you trust me enough to take care of you?” and what not.

Heck, he even got his mom and sister to call me and tell me if I was ready for them to talk to my parents about marriage. Luckily my dad handled it because rejecting matches, especially if the couple dated beforehand would cause a scandal in my community.

It felt like I was the one who had to sacrifice my happiness at the first place because of ‘tradition’. I also didn’t grow up in a conservative family like him, and my parents told me to get the hell out of the relationship. I broke up with him, and our friend groups were merged but everyone decided not to take sides, so there was no drama.

I have been single for the last two years and have travelled a lot, and I plan to get residency after a few years here. This was the first time I went back home after two years because my cousin just had a kid. I did not intend to see or call my ex, but I met up with my college friends, and most of them ( including my ex) live in my hometown, so I knew, to see all my friends I had to see him.

It was so awkward, but we were both silent and just nodded at each other and I thought that would be it. But one of his friends started talking about his fiancé, and he is a bit of an a**hole, so he said, ” OP I’m so glad you left him (ex) behind because you didn’t want to be happy in our ‘traditional’ families.

Now another will get to experience the real meaning of family (joint-Indian-Family)” I just laughed it off awkwardly and a couple of people shushed him. My close friends were very embarrassed and promised that both my ex and that guy would not be invited again.

But my ex left me a text (he got a second number) on how his friend was just defending him because I was flaunting my new life when I obviously wanted my ex to be hurt by it, that I dumped him for just a better degree. I told him this was ‘why I left you’ and blocked him.

The thing is. I have been guilty about it for the last two years and while I know I did the right thing for my career, maybe I should have tried not to hurt his feelings in such a direct way.

I feel horrible for his fiancé, as both of them know he doesn’t love her (arranged match), and I feel had I had a better approach, maybe another person wouldn’t have added to the mix. I feel like I was a heartless person (as my ex says) in dumping as I did, just because of our different beliefs. AITAH?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

FantasticCabinet2623 −  Desi woman here. Absolutely NTA. Of course that a**hole wants a traditional family – he gets an unpaid bangmaid nanny out of it! Good on you for dodging that bullet and living your best life while some other woman wastes her life on him.

KateNotEdwina −  Well done you on leaving him behind. You know your worth! Also your parents are awesome! Love this kind of support. You know you’ll always be the one that got away for him.

UndeadArmoire −  NTA. What better reason to d**p him than his beliefs? Were you supposed to wait until he was physically beating you for yours? Everyone who cares about you – family, friends – are saying you made the right call. The fact you’re feeling guilty tells me your relationship was already toxic and likely even emotionally a**sive. He’s got you all twisted up in your head and ready to take blame for his actions.

Wanna know why he felt bad about you and your new life? Because you’re succeeding. You had a goal, you aimed for that goal, and you reached that goal. He’s still in the same town and no closer to his goal of a ‘traditional’ family despite actively looking.

He’s failing and he wants you to feel like it’s your fault when, in reality, it’s because no one trusts their daughter with him. His jealousy is not your problem. He made his choices. They just happened to be far poorer than yours.

Samorjj −  White, western woman here. My response is, of course you are NTA. But then I am coming from a Western perspective that is on complete contrast to your ex’s way of thinking. However, even looking through your culture’s lens… your father did not approve the match and told you to move on. The fact that you agreed with his choice doesn’t diminish the fact that you abided by your father‘s wants.

So regardless of which worldview you subscribe to, you can’t be the A*H. You either dodged a misogynist, a decision which has us western women applauding. Or you obeyed your father’s wishes… Both roads lead to the same result.

Horror-Willingness79 −  NTA. You dodged a bullet and have the support of your family. He’s not your person and It’s 2024, idc what country you are from, arranged marriages are outdated. Even “Traditional” is different.

Key_Advance3033 −  NTA. You dodged a massive bullet. Traditional households are essentially households where women work full time, do all the housework and all the child care.

You aren’t just responsible for your husband and children, you are also responsible for your in-laws who will likely live with you. I’ve seen the women in my extended family live this lifestyle and I know for sure that I would have never lasted.

TheUglyDuckling35 −  Desi here. Huge NTA. Never compromise when it comes to your own well being. Not even for your parents. This emotional manipulation under the pretext of love and tradition has gone way too far and needs to be addressed.

As far as your ex goes, if they think by choosing yourself first means you are flaunting your lifestyle, that’s their problem and not yours. Let him be happy with his “traditional “ fiancé. And tell his friend to f*** off. Don’t keep contact with your past. It’s past for a reason.

Mother_Search3350 −  You dodged a bullet. You have an amazing life ahead of you and your head well screwed on your shoulders.  All that nonsense is not how you were raised, they aren’t your family values, aren’t the expectation your family had for you.

They literally told you to d**p his ass. Your own father stepped up and put a stop to the BS. . Those are the people who matter.  Not that insecure man child who is incapable of behaving like an adult and has his ‘friend’ speak up for him. . You are definitely NTAH 

New-Reference-2171 −  NTA. If you do not want a traditional life, you did the right thing. World over women are suppressed and made to feel and treated like 2nd class citizens. Your -ex. Wants an obedient wife to serve him. Be free. You clearly have your families support. Be free. Enjoy life and flourish. It’s ok too.

_s1m0n_s3z −  NTA. Ignore that s**t. They can have that life, if that’s what they want and can find a sucker to have it with them, but don’t feel a second of guilt for deciding that isn’t what you want out of life.

Do you think the OP was justified in ending the relationship due to clashing values and future plans? Could they have handled the situation differently to minimize hurt feelings, or was the breakup inevitable given their differences? Share your thoughts below!