AITAH for how I reacted when my niece announced she was engaged?

A Redditor, 33M, shares their reaction to their 18-year-old niece, Ella, announcing her engagement to a man twice her age. Upon meeting Mark, the 36-year-old fiancé, the Redditor expressed their shock and concern, arguing that the relationship was inappropriate and that the engagement should not happen.

Despite their belief that the relationship was predatory, the family defended Ella’s decision, saying it was legal and that they were happy. The Redditor’s blunt reaction led to a confrontation, with the family accusing them of ruining Ella’s happiness. Now, they’re questioning if they were wrong for reacting the way they did. Read the full story below to get more details on this intense family situation!

‘ AITAH for how I reacted when my niece announced she was engaged?’

The article has the next update at the end.

I (33m) have a pretty big age difference with my brother (44m). He had a child at 25, which means that I became an uncle at 14. Because we were pretty close in age, I formed a special bond with my niece, Ella (now 18f).

When she was 16, my brother and his family moved away so I’ve been seeing them less recently, but we keep in touch and catch up at family events. Last year, at Christmas, my niece told me that she had a boyfriend and told me a bit about him, but I didn’t know the guy.

He was invited for Easter and a couple of other events, but was never able to make it. When we were planning our mother’s birthday, my brother decided to invite Ella’s boyfriend so that we could all meet him.

Yesterday was the birthday. I was looking forward to meeting Mark (Ella’s boyfriend), but was very confused when I saw her walk in with a man that looked double her age (spoiler alert: he is). She introduced him to me, and I politely smiled but was deep down very concerned.

I went to my brother to ask how old Mark was and he told me that Mark is 36, so literally double Ella’s age. She had told me that he was “a bit older” but I assumed like early to mid twenties, not almost 40. That’s when they called us in the living room to share “exciting news”.

Ella showed us a ring and revealed that they were engaged. I just said “what the f**k” and everyone turned around and looked at me like I was crazy. I told them that they were out of their minds if they thought this was normal, that there was no world in which a 30 something should date an 18yo, and that she shouldn’t be getting married.

All of them accused me of ruining Ella’s happiness. Some even said that I was jealous of Mark, which is so f**king disgusting I can’t even explain it. I mean, I’m younger than Mark, but never in a million years would I ever consider dating someone younger than 25.

They told me that it was perfectly legal as they were both adults, which isn’t true because they’ve been dating for a year and Ella turned 18 7 months ago, and that if they were happy that’s all that matters. I told them that they were sick for allowing this and that he was a predator but they wouldn’t listen.

I know this isn’t my business, but I can’t help but fear for Ella. She is young and doesn’t really know what she’s getting into. I’m really scared of her getting married and being unable to leave him when she realizes how sick it was.

I then left and slammed the door, and have been receiving pretty wild messages and calls since then. I don’t know if I was wrong for this and am just overreacting, and if I wasn’t wrong I don’t know what I can do to make them realize how wrong it is. AITAH?

Update: https://aita.pics/itnYJ
Update 2: https://aita.pics/pmIdx
Update 3: https://aita.pics/YVnCf

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

AdAccomplished6870 −  A 35 year old going after a 17 year old is ick. They are just too far apart in life experiences and station in life to have a relationship based on mutual respect and equalty.

These types of relationships are usually based on mutual exploitation (he gets a PYT, she gets access to material benefits not usually earned by people in her age group) and that is not a great way thing to base a relationship on.

I know I am generalizing, and there are cases of true and helthy love between people with this kind of age gap, but my reaction is the same as yours. This likely puts you on the outs with your family, but someone had to say what you said

wisebirdcaseycasey −  I at 18yrs married a 31yr old and my advice to your neice is run, run run.

No_Addition_5543 −  He’s a predator – you’re right. The most important thing you can do is get her on birth control because he’s going to destroy her life.

Ladyughsalot1 −  NTA . – call your niece and apologize for your outburst; explain that you have never known a good man of that age to go after someone so young and you reacted out of fear. Tell her you trust her to put herself first and you are always there for her.

This is important. It’s pretty much guaranteed that she is or will be a victim of this man’s abuse so make it clear you’re ride or die. This is part of your insurance against isolation.  – call your brother and apologize for your reaction. Then, act like he must be concerned.

Act concerned for him; “how are you managing this? You must be so scared for her. It must have been awful to realize you couldn’t protect her.” yep, lay on the shame by pretending to be concerned and empathetic.

– **find out how and where they met**. Pretend to be interested in a cute way. Awww how did you meet?  – if this man is in any sort of job that brings him near minors, report him . – do a social media search. Is he recently divorced, etc. 

Cursd818 −  NTA. Thank you for saying that old loud. It’s genuinely alarming that none of your family sees what you see, especially your brother. If I’d brought home at 35yo when I was 17yo, my father would have probably ended up in prison. Why doesn’t he want to protect his daughter?

Because no one is acting like this is wrong, your niece believes that it’s right. Stick to your guns. Tell your family how ashamed you are of them for enabling this predator to groom your niece. Tell your niece that if she ever needs an escape route, you will help her at once.

And please warn any other young girls in the family or close to the family that these are not good people. Anyone who is capable of enabling a predator is capable of being one – or more likely, is already one themselves.

The immediate reaction being to accuse you of jealousy is very telling about their view of young girls. It sounds like projection. If you have children, I’d recommend you keep them very far away from your relatives.

krazyGia −  NTA. I felt the “what the eff” bcs I js said d same thing. This isn’t normal esp for someone that has turned 18, dating for only a year w a guy double her age. This is hard bcs based on how they reacted, they all seem to be okay w d situation and u can never change their mind.

Danube_Kitty −  NTA. Was your reaction the best? No. But, maybe that will be reason for your niece to really think about her relationship.
Categorical “what the f**k?

He is an predator!” has more chance to make her stop than polite conversation about your concerns. And legality of their relationship that has started 2 years ago is at least debatable.

PolygonMan −  As a man just a bit older than the boyfriend, 18 year old girls look like baby adults to me. The idea of dating and marrying one is really, really fucked. The reality is that these relationships always, always, always have severe power imbalances which almost always lead to negative outcomes.

When a person is a legal adult they can make their own decisions and I don’t think any laws should be changed, but I fully support using social pressure and judgement against men that do this s**t.

JaneDoe_83 −  I was 17 and my boyfriend, for want of a better word, was 37. I, as most teenagers do, felt like I was grown up enough to date whomever I wanted. What I didn’t see was how he actually groomed me.

That relationship (again, for want of a better word) was 4.5 years of pure hell. He was great, at first. But then he showed his true colours. He was a walking red flag, and I didn’t know better.

I know that people use “buzzwords” or whatever these days, and they often use them incorrectly, but with this man, I suffered emotional, physical, and financial abuse, coercive control, he was a n**cissist. The trauma I suffered at his hands…

He isolated me from family and friends, beat me, raped me… He stalked me, wouldn’t let me work, wouldn’t let me go out without him…
Now I know that an age gap is not indicative, in itself, of what I went through, but it sure as hell is suspicious.

He wants a pretty young girl on his arm—a trophy wife. He wants someone who is malleable, impressionable, and he can mould her into being whoever/whatever he desires. I’m not trying to project here, and this Mark guy could be the total opposite of what Paul was to me. But it bears thinking about.

You’re not the AH for thinking this dude is skeevy, maybe preying on young, impressionable women. But the reaction itself… I know what fuelled it, but it wasn’t the best way to get your point across.

She’s 18, she’ll double down and dig her heels in. The more you point things out, even though it’s just as a concerned uncle, the more she will pull away. Thus the isolation from her family begins… possibly, if he’s anything like my ex from Hell.

AgonistPhD −  NTA. Someone needed to say it. The f**k is wrong with her parents that they didn’t?!

Do you think the Redditor was right to express their concerns about the age gap in the relationship, or did they overstep their boundaries? How would you react if a close family member were in a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the next part: https://aita.pics/pmIdx