AITAH for going through the motions after my post partum wife told me she doesn’t find me attractive anymore?

A Redditor opens up about their struggle after their wife expressed that she no longer finds him attractive following the birth of their child. While the couple has been together for six years, the harsh words hit hard and have lingered in the Redditor’s mind, even as his wife began treatment for postpartum depression.

Despite her attempts to apologize and improve their relationship, the Redditor feels detached and is going through the motions in their marriage. He wonders if he’s in the wrong for lacking intimacy and wanting to wait until their baby is older before reevaluating their relationship. Read the original story below to understand the complexities of their situation.

‘ AITAH for going through the motions after my post partum wife told me she doesn’t find me attractive anymore?’

My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 6. A few months ago, my wife gave birth, and while it was very exciting, my wife did struggle a bit. I tried to help out as much as I could, but my wife just kept lashing out at me until one day she said she doesn’t find me attractive anymore at all.

That was a sharp blow, and stung a lot. My wife seemed to have realized the effect of her words, and she instantly apologized and even cried. Shortly after, we went to the doctor and she was prescribed meds for PPD. The meds did have an almost instant effect, and my wife’s mood improved a lot after she started taking the meds.

However, I can never forget those words my wife said, and I am just going through the motions now. I am on autopilot and helping out with our baby as much as I can, but I just don’t have any desire of intimacy with my wife even though she wants it.

My wife has apologized many times, and feels very guilty about it, and I’ve told her it’s ok. But I just want to wait it out till our baby is a year and a half and things are stable, and that’s when I’ll decide the next steps.. AITAH?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

DietAny5009 −  You shouldn’t tell her it’s ok when it’s not. It’s not your job to make her feel less guilty after damaging your self worth and trust in her as a partner. You don’t need to punish her, but you do not need to tell her it’s ok. I’m sure one comment sticks out but her repeatedly lashing out over and over is what made it feel true and hurt you.

You don’t owe her intimacy and you should tell her why you aren’t interested in it right now. You can go through the motions and decide what to do in a year and a half but pretending everything is ok and silently resenting her is a d**th sentence for your marriage.

You can choose that if you want but the other option is to convey your true feelings and not pretend you aren’t deeply hurt by her actions. She needs to take responsibility, explain her true feelings, and explain why she got to the point she did where she was blaming you for her bad feelings.

She also needs a plan that includes talk therapy and not just drugs to deal with her issues. Don’t take her PPD lightly and trust that the medicine is helpful. Just read a story today about a family that went through PPD and got loaded up with meds by multiple medical professionals. Wife strangled all 3 kids and tried to kill herself. Neighbors and friends all said she just seemed like a tired mom.

cryssylee90 −  NTA but you two really need to communicate. PPD is an absolute b**ch, plain and simple. That’s not an *excuse*, I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel the way you feel, but with PPD you’re not in your proper state of mind. And it’s not always going to present in the sad, crying, potentially suicidal type of way.

With my first and second I was so intensely angry at everyone except my baby. My moods were extreme and my actions could be too. Letting this kind of upset and resentment fester instead of communicating about it isn’t going to solve anything. It’s just prolonging an inevitable end to your relationship.

If you want to work on things then you need to start working on them now. If the end goal is just to end things, then there’s also no reason to keep yourself stuck in a situation you don’t want to be in knowing you’re just going to leave anyway.

GlobalTraveler65 −  Just tell her the truth. Don’t say “everything is ok” if it isn’t. That will just build resentment for you. PPD is really awful, so please take that into account.

SLZicki −  NTA. Those are some cut throat words and I can understand why you are reconsidering things. I love how people just think you can forget what was said because she was sick. I’m glad she’s better but the only way to get through all this is to go to couples therapy.

Leek-Middle −  PPD is crazy. It may be that your wife didn’t find ANYONE or anything sexually attractive, not even herself, after giving birth and ‘struggling a bit’ whilst doing so? Your NTA for feeling rejected, YWBTA if you don’t address your feelings without laying blame on her.

Maybe in addition to your wife’s PPD meds some couples counseling might help you both understand how the other is feeling better. You’re a brand new dad and dealing with your wife’s PPD, that’s stressful too! It may be playing into your reaction to what your wife said. Congratulations on the baby and wishing you good luck, good health and happiness.

lux_roth_chop −  It’s clear that what she said was deliberately damaging. It was intended to be. She was angry and hateful and being depressed doesn’t excuse it.
Here’s your problem: while she’s apologised, she hasn’t repaired the damage she caused.

The apology is not enough, you need to work through the feelings this has caused – but together, both of you against the problem, instead of just you. She has a responsibility to face exactly what happened and to understand how much pain it’s caused you. Until she does that and works through the loss and insecurity you feel now, the relationship won’t recover.

Katricat −  NTA. PPD doesn’t excuse her behavior, but it does explain it. I don’t think you’re wrong at all, as hearing that from your partner would be soul crushing to most people. I only know the basics of the illness but I know it can cause a mother to kill her baby, herself, or others. I don’t think it’s much of a stretch that it could cause her to say something hateful.

I’ve read some wild s**t about mothers and it’s actually really sad. It’s worth trying to work on it with your wife imo, especially if she has taken steps to earn forgiveness and if she doesn’t act like this normally. Don’t rush, but don’t brush her off all together. I think this is way above Reddit’s pay grade though. A therapist/marriage counsellor would be more efficient than redditors.

Br4z3nBu77 −  Some bells can’t be unrung, some things can’t be unsaid.. Yes she was in the throws of PPD. You are not an a**hole for going through the motions, you are an a**hole if you are willing to throw away an otherwise good marriage because of it. I have 8 kids, all single birth, you had better believe that my wife has said some horrific things to me before when she has had PPD.

Things that I will never be able to forget. Yes they hurt, yes she has apologized profusely for them and has demonstrated day in and day out that she doesn’t believe them.
I totally get where you are coming from but don’t be a shmuk and turn away a good thing.

You aren’t going to get through a long term marriage without saying h**eous things to each other on the rare occasion. You aren’t going to get through parenthood without your child saying h**eous things to you. You just aren’t but you are going to forgive them too.. Updateme!

Proof_War_6609 −  How can people be saying your the a**hole I don’t understand

Previous-Broccoli-88 −  Crazy you’re being called the AH here. If you were the one that told you’re wife you weren’t attracted to her, all medical diagnose and mental stuff be damned, you’d still be the villain. NTA, I doubt she meant it, women just say s**t sometimes. But feeling the way you do is understandable.

Do you think the Redditor is justified in taking time to process his feelings after his wife’s hurtful comment, or is he neglecting the relationship by shutting down emotionally? How would you navigate intimacy and connection in a marriage affected by postpartum struggles? Share your thoughts below!