AITAH For Freezing Out My Wife After She Told People That Being Close With Me ‘Does Nothing For Her’?

A Redditor (56M) shares his frustration after a hurtful comment from his wife (47F) of over 20 years during a casual evening with friends. When asked about keeping closeness alive in a long-term relationship, she openly said that “being intimate with [him] does nothing for [her]” since their child was born.

Left feeling humiliated, he asked her to apologize, but she dismissed him, calling him “too sensitive.” Now, there’s a cold silence between them. Is he wrong for feeling upset? Read on for the full story:

‘ AITAH For Freezing Out My Wife After She Told People That Being Close With Me ‘Does Nothing For Her’ ?’

For context we, M56 and F47, have been together for 26 years, married for over 20 years. One child. We always try to make the most of our weekends together, and yesterday was no exception. We had a day out, shopping and food, then met up with acquaintances for a few drinks before heading home.

The subject got around to relationships and how to keep the flame burning, one of the younger women asked my wife how to keep closeness enjoyable after being with the person for so long. ‘I don’t know, being close with (me) does nothing for me since our child (18) was born!’

There was an awkward silence, and people started making excuses to leave. Traveling home, mostly in silence, I asked her if she thought that was an appropriate comment and that I wanted her to apologize. As per usual, she doubled down and blamed me for being ‘too sensitive’! Since then there has been no communication.

Tldr; Am I the a**hole for getting upset that my wife told acquaintances that closeness with me does nothing for her.

Update:
She has said that she meant direct physical closeness means nothing to her as she is unable to reach a high point that way since childbirth, but that’s not what she said in public. I knew there was an issue, bought the equipment to help her but they were never used. Intimacy would consist of preparation, support, and occasionally, some additional activities.

This would give her three or four high points before the main closeness. I thought she enjoyed the connection. I don’t guilt her into being close. When we had our child, I waited ten months before we resumed physical closeness. I’m not going to insult her to make myself feel better—two wrongs make it a lot worse.

She has tried to blame the comment on menopause—she is perimenopausal—and the few drinks that she had, but I’m not buying it. That’s an excuse, not an apology. I’m not the typical Scotsman; no deep-fried mars bars for me.

I do a physical job and run 5k every second day. I was a 32” waist when we married, and I’m a 34” waist 20-odd years later. To be truthful, I’m feeling shock, shame, embarrassment, and emasculated. I can’t imagine ever being close with her again..

Update 2: We are four weeks into this. I asked for an apology, ‘I’m sorry what I said upset you’ is not an apology. The ‘in-law’ mafia has closed ranks and blamed me! She didn’t tell the full story. She has tried to initiate closeness; she wanted support, thought it would be ok!

Didn’t happen. I’m spending more time at work and out running than I do in our house. She has picked up a chest infection, bedded, and I am dealing with that.. I’ve read your comments. Remember, this is the mother of my child, she is my best friend and my soulmate. I’ve also sought legal advice, UK divorce laws….

Here’s The Comments Of Reddit Users:

Iphacles −  NTA – It’s pretty messed up to broadcast things like that in public. If she’s dissatisfied with her s** life, she should discuss it with you in private.

Dark_Mode_Nose_Wind −  Have you asked your wife how she would feel if you had said something similar answering that question?

BeardManMichael −  She just admitted that the past 18 years have had meaningless s** for her. Not sure if you can recover from that. Ever.. NTA

LoveThickWives −  NTA. Damn your wife is a major AH, who says something like that about their spouse to other people?
And she’s not just an AH to you, she’s an AH to those other people that she just made feel really awkward.

PolygonMan −  Honestly, that’s divorce territory. Hiding this fact for 20 years (assuming it’s true) and then busting it out to humiliate you demonstrates just how bad your marriage really is.

NotSorry2019 −  INFO: Were you previously aware she doesn’t enjoy s** with you? Or were you under the apparently mistaken impression she enjoyed your intimacy?

RasputinsTeat −  Personally? I’d thank her for the 26 years. I’d tell her that I’d like everything to remain amicable, but then I’d enter into my next chapter without her. You have maybe 20-30 years left on earth, statistically speaking. Start a new chapter; have some new adventures; discover some part of yourself that has been suppressed for the last few decades.

LousyOpinions −  There’s no getting the uranium back in that nuke.
Get a lawyer and proceed. Counseling and therapy are futile after a bomb like that, especially when dropped in mixed company.
Sorry, man. Enjoy your retirement with someone else or just be a lone wolf, exploring your hobbies and spending time with friends.

Inside_Ninja4264 −  NTA. She publicly embarrassed you right infront of your face. Your wife should never do that. She sounds like she doesn’t have any respect for you, to a point where she doesn’t hesitate to publicly emasculate you while you’re sitting right there.

As a female and a wife, I would never do this to my husband. That’s a line I would never cross, regardless if it’s true or not. Airing dirty laundry over a simple question is not a partner you can trust. But then again, I actually care about people’s feelings which your wife clearly doesn’t.

Flip this situation, and say you answered that same question with the same answer about her…you think she would be ok with that? And ontop of that, you doubled down and called her too sensitive…I don’t know her but I bet you anything she would be affected by it just like you were.

Your wife sounds incredibly s**fish and rude. If she is comfortable saying this about you infront of you, what is she saying behind your back? I would really consider this if I were you, and start questioning if you’re with the right person.

island_lord830 −  Doesn’t even matter if you are and a**hole or not. That woman hates you.
What the f**k you doing with your life man?

Do you think the husband’s reaction to his wife’s comment was fair? Should the wife have been more considerate in how she answered, or is it an honest reflection of long-term relationships? How would you handle a situation like this? Share your thoughts below!