AITAH for excluding one of my friends because he kept disrupting my plans to set up another friend?

A woman (23) attempted to set up her reserved friend, Marcus, with one of her friends. However, another friend, Tom, disrupted the plans twice, leading her to exclude him from future gatherings. Marcus and the new girl connected, and things are progressing well between them.

Tom, feeling left out, confronted her about the exclusion, expressing discomfort with her efforts to set Marcus up. She blocked him after a heated exchange, but now questions if she was too harsh. read the original story below…

‘ AITAH for excluding one of my friends because he kept disrupting my plans to set up another friend? ‘

So, I (23f) met my boyfriend David (24) two years ago and became close with his friends. David has two best friends, Marcus (24) and Tom (23). They go way back to high school, where they ran track together. Marcus and Tom are completely different types of people.

Marcus is more reserved, but Tom is the center of attention at parties and really outgoing. He also has had a lot of girlfriends, but we have given up on getting to know them as he always finds some reason to break up with them a day or two later.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I asked my boyfriend why I had never seen Marcus bring around any of his girlfriends. I was surprised when he told me he had never had a girlfriend. He also told me not to tell him I knew, as he is ashamed of it and is a very private person.

This surprised me because Marcus is a handsome, athletic guy. I also have never noticed him having any trouble socially; he is good friends with many people and is easy to hang out with. I told my boyfriend this, and he said that he gets anxious when approaching women and keeps making excuses not to.

So I told my boyfriend if I was going to try to set him up with one of my friends. I talked to a girlfriend I knew was into him and asked if she wanted to come out for drinks with the five of us the next day. Everything was going great until Tom joined us half an hour later.

Tom didn’t know anything about my plan, but it frustrated me that he took over the conversation and eventually left with the girl an hour later. I then sent Tom a private message telling him what I was trying to do, and he was very understanding. But the following weekend, he did it again.

I tried talking to him about it, but he downplayed the situation. Eventually, I decided not to invite Tom. I invited a coworker, and we went with just the four of us. They had a great time, and I made him get her Snapchat. We went out again the following weekend, and she told me they had been talking on Snapchat every day for a week and that she liked him.

Eventually, with many hints from me and my boyfriend, he asked her out, and they are going on their second date this weekend. So here is where I could be an a**hole; Tom made a private CG with just me and my boyfriend and told us that he felt excluded the last couple of weeks.

I told him i was sorry but he knew what we were trying to do but he was actively messing things up. He sent me a long text telling me it was not his fault she liked him and that he could not force her to like Marcus.

How uncomfortable he was with my weird o**ession with trying to get Marcus laid, even to the point of excluding him. I told him that it was not my problem, he couldn’t keep his d**k in check for one night, and that I could invite whoever I wanted and blocked him on everything.

My boyfriend agrees with me, but he thinks I’m being too harsh on Tom as he is just being Tom and has no bad intentions. Now I’m doubting myself if i made a mistake.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Tangerine_Bouquet −  NTA. Double-dating (or blind-dating, or your setup) is a perfectly reasonable thing to do, if it isn’t against the wishes of any of the people involved. Note that Tom was not involved. Also, inviting friends to meet who you think might like each other is a natural thing to do–whether ‘setup’ or not.

You seem to have a read on your friend that she wouldn’t like Tom (although maybe you were wrong). Honestly, it doesn’t sound like *you* really like Tom much, and it’s fine to invite and hang out with only people you want to hang out with.

So even without a ‘setup’, inviting people you like and not inviting Tom is fine, and if his feelings are hurt, he can go find someone else to hang out with. Lots of people have ‘that friend’ that sucks up all the oxygen in a room, and prefer that person in small doses.

If your friend chose to go out with Tom instead of Marcus, that’s totally her choice. If she didn’t get a chance to talk to anyone except Tom because he’s that ‘big personality’ type, and left with him because she felt cornered, of course you didn’t want Tom there. Can’t tell from this story, but you’re NTA for not inviting Tom (or anyone else) to things no matter what.

Leigeofgoblins −  NTA, you don’t need a reason to want a break from someone. Tom isn’t entitled to being invited to everything. I think Tom has some deep-seated self-esteem issues. The rotating door of women, the need to sabotage his less successful friend getting a date all stinks of insecurity and fear of commitment to me.

nj-rose −  I wonder if Tom is one of the reasons Marcus could never find a girl. I bet he would immediately scoop up anyone Marcus showed interest in even if it was just the two of them. He sounds obnoxious. Nta.

Bluevanonthestreet −  What’s up with your friend though? She knew you were setting her up with Marcus and she already liked him but she goes home with Tom instead? What did she say about that?

Specialist_Point1980 −  Tom doesn’t sound like a good friend to Marcus. Tom knows he runs through these girls like he’s changing a maxi pad and still couldn’t stop himself from going after a girl you were trying to set up with Marcus.

Even after you told him your intentions he doubled down on the “I can’t help she liked me better” he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t keep these girls for long and OP says he easily attracts women attention so what’s the harm in him looking for anyone else besides the person OP is trying to actively set up with HIS friend??

I think your boyfriend and Marcus really need to examine their relationship with Tom when it comes to him being unable to keep his pants up for his own friend. Tom gives off that “I’m the main character and I can’t help other girls are jealous of me” mean girl vibes.

NTA all though blocking him seems extreme. I’d be interested to see if Tom tries to flirt with the girl Marcus has taken out on a date if they were to go in a group again. 

Otherwise_Degree_729 −  NTA. Tom is not a friend. He can’t seriously flirt with girls your trying to set up with his friend. Marcus might be shy but a friend like Tom of course he has trouble getting a date. By the time he gets the courage to approach a girls his “friend” swoops in.

Bfan72 −  NTA. Whenever someone agrees with you and says a person is just being themselves you know the answer to that question. Your boyfriend knows his friend was being ignorant once you told Tom what you were doing. First time he didn’t know. The second time he did. That’s him being a j**k to your other friend.

TransFemmeWithLove −  I know Tom, I’ve known several of them. He knows what he is doing, he knows he is being s**fish, he knows he isn’t giving his friend a chance. His antics will end up being boring then he’ll be the guy that just fades away. I like the more direct approach of letting him know he’s an a**hole and cut him out.

Vegetable-Cod-2340 −  NTA Tom was intentionally doing that, the first time he may have done it in error, but once he knew what the purpose of the outing was , he was intentionally going out of his way to get the girls attention.

It really doesn’t matter if he’s upset , op and boyfriend are not required to spend every weekend with him, and if he’s so in demand maybe he should spend it with the women he picked up.

I however, would ask my boyfriend if Tom has ever had issues with Mark before, if Tom has gone out of his way to ‘beat’ Mark in the past or show him up.
My concern would be that Tom believes he’s competing with Mark and working hard to sabotage so he could win.

jah05r −  You are not at all an a**hole. You are a great wingwoman. Not onlu are you introducing your single friend to other Interested single women, but also stacking the deck in his favor to give him the best possible chance of success. Tom might be a good friend but he is a terrible wingman.

Was she fair to exclude Tom, or did she overreact? Share your thoughts below!