AITAH for enforcing rules to family secret Santa?

A Reddit user shares a tense family situation arising during a Secret Santa exchange. When it’s revealed that a family member plans to gift an inappropriate, religious-themed present to a transgender recipient with differing beliefs, the user decides to step in and enforce a clear rule about keeping gifts neutral. Read the full story below.

‘ AITAH for enforcing rules to family secret Santa?’

Every year we do a family secret Santa with my siblings and our significant others. This year, my son is 19 and his SO is 20 so we decided to include them in the festivities. So it was brought to my attention that my brothers gf (who is very religious and politically opinionated) got my sons SO in this exchange, (my sons SO is trans/gender fluid, non-religious and has opposite political beliefs as my brothers gf) so what was brought to my attention is that my brothers GF is planning on gifting my sons SO a bible.

I just think this is so inappropriate and will put a wedge between my son and the rest of the family and make his SO feel unwelcome and judged. I could see them never wanting to attend a family gathering again after this.

So I’m planning on sending a group text to everyone in the exchange specifying that these gifts are to not be religious or political in nature unless the receiving person specifically expressed wanting that type of gift and I plan on saying something about if this rule is broken, that person won’t be allowed to participate in the exchange in future years..

Edit to update: Thank you everyone for your input, it’s helped me figure out how to handle this situation. Some people have made comments about if I send a group text I’d be involving people who don’t need to be involved, I just want to specify that everyone who would be receiving the group text already knows about this situation, I was the last person to hear about it besides my son and his SO. I want the rule to apply to everyone not just specifically her so that’s why I want to send it to everyone involved.

It’s been suggested to switch names with her or to have every pick new names, we are 3 days away from the exchange and everyone has already bought gifts for their person. My sisters have said they were planning to buy a backup gift to give my sons SO just in case they are gifted this or something similar.

I want to talk to my son about this just to make him and his SO aware and so they know how many of us won’t tolerate it. I would hate for them to be blindsided and feel unwelcome or judged because of it. Here is what I’ve drafted and plan on sending it out once I talk to my son about the situation.

“Something has been brought to my attention involving the secret Santa exchange and I want to make the ground rules clear. These gifts are to not be political or religious in nature unless the person has specifically expressed this is what they want. This gift exchange is about getting something for someone they will enjoy. If you are unsure of what to get your person, ask another family member and we will be happy to help you. Thanks, see you all on Christmas!”.

New update – So after talking with my son about the situation and warning him to prepare SO for the possibility of this gift, I sent this message to everyone involved in the gift exchange.

“I want to make the ground rules clear with the family secret Santa gift exchange. These gifts are not to be political or religious in nature unless the person has specifically expressed this is what they want. This gift exchange is about getting a gift for someone that they will enjoy. If you are unsure of what to get your person, ask another family member and we will be happy to help you. Thanks, see you all on Christmas!“

Everyone thumbs uped the message including brothers gf. Maybe 10 minutes later I got a message from my mom (who isn’t in the gift exchange, so she wasn’t included in my group text) saying “so what do you celebrate for Christmas” and I responded “family” then she responded that it’s sad I celebrate family and I should be celebrating Jesus and so on and so forth, said family comes and goes but Jesus is always there.

Then asked what my beliefs are. I told her my beliefs are no one’s business but my own, and I know that time with family isn’t guaranteed so I want to celebrate with them while I’m able to. I added that I’m glad she has her reason for celebrating, I respect that and would never tell her otherwise. She told me she will continue to pray for me.

So this got dramatic. My sister was getting way more messages from my mom about this and ended up having to temporarily block my mom because she wouldn’t stop when she was asking her to. My mom kinda left me alone after saying she’d pray for me, but I also didn’t show interest in having an emotional fight about it. We will see how Christmas goes 😬.

Update 12/23: My sister text me today saying it was confirmed there will be no bible gifted. So fingers crossed Christmas Day is uneventful!

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

thinone1thick −  You’re not the a**hole for setting boundaries to make sure everyone feels comfortable. It’s important to consider people’s identities and beliefs, and your approach seems fair to avoid any potential hurt feelings.

OctoWings13 −  You’re handling this wrong, and a generic text to everyone doesn’t address the problem. The gift is supposed to be thoughtful and something the receiver would enjoy. This is the exact opposite and done with. malicious intent. She (brothers gf)needs to be called out directly and reminded exactly what the spirit of the gift is supposed to be. If she fucks it up, she should be completely cut off from the family…and she’s already on that line right now with even just planning this.

kam49ers4ever −  NTA. But, you could just talk to your brother and his gf. A Bible is only a good gift if it’s given to someone who shares your specific religion. Not every Christian sect even uses the same bible version. Gifting one to anyone else is very inappropriate and frankly insulting.

JustUgh2323 −  NTA. I’m a Christian; helped my husband while he went through a denominational college and then seminary. Though he’s no longer a minister, we still are active in our church. But I agree that your SIL’s behavior is extremely inappropriate. In fact, it’s this kind of behavior that really bothers me about today’s “Christians.” They are actively alienating people instead of extending the hand of love and grace as we are expected/instructed to do by Jesus.

I have some experience with this. My daughter’s former MIL used to do this at Christmas. Several of us are readers, and her go-to gifts often included Christian fiction. **I** didn’t even like them, much less my daughter or granddaughters who had been traumatized by a fundamentalist church!

Apart-Scene-9059 −  NTA: But I say just disinvite her all together. It obvious that your brother girlfriend is being extremely disrespectful and transphobic so why even allow them to come when they already showed you who they are.

Mrsanjuro75 −  Funny, I now know EXACTLY what kind of Christian your brother’s gf is. Giving a gift that would antagonize the receiver is, honestly, a pretty s**tty thing to do. You are NTA for trying to stop her from being a huge AH to your son’s SO.

CeeceeATL −  I would probably have a direct conversation with your brother. Let him know the Bible gift is not appropriate and would clearly make your son’s SO feel bad. IN ADDITION, you are concerned that since his gf thought this WOULD be appropriate, you have concerns about how she will treat them. In person. Let your bf know that intolerance, politics, religion will be a problem, and if his gf is going to challenge that, then maybe she should not come. I would 100% be on guard if the gf does come.

Secret_Sister_Sarah −  NTA! You’re handling this exceptionally well, and saving the SO of your son from a humiliating insult. If that terrible woman actually does wind up giving him a bible, she loses her gift, has to take the bible back, and is banned from all future family events. (If your other relatives are good people, anyway.) Edited to add: I would beautifully wrap a fancy lighter and give that to your son’s SO after he opens the bible, and invite him to a backyard book burning…

throwaway_rana17 −  NTA. It’s great that you’re making sure that your family’s secret Santa is not used to to cause hurt or harm, whether intentional or not. The rule and the associated consequence you’ve set are reasonable boundaries.

DarthTormentum −  A Bible? Seriously? I’d say two can play that game. Get your s9n and his SO in the loop. Find out who has bible-giver, and gift them some satanic pentagram necklace/shotglass or maybe a s** toy. Go heavy on the eggnog and enjoy the festivities.