AITAH for divorcing my husband because he spent 10 minutes in the car during a family emergency?
The original poster (OP) and her husband have been married for two years. Her husband’s habit of sitting alone in his car for 5–10 minutes before entering the house—a coping mechanism rooted in past trauma—reached a breaking point when he delayed aiding their injured son. OP’s decision to divorce has sparked backlash from his family, who accuse her of dismissing his mental health struggles.
‘ AITAH for divorcing my husband because he spent 10 minutes in the car during a family emergency?’
Expert Opinions:
Trauma Responses vs. Parental Responsibility:
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains that trauma can create rigid coping mechanisms. “However,” he adds, “when rituals interfere with caregiving, they become maladaptive. The husband’s inability to prioritize his son’s urgent needs suggests his trauma response is unmanaged, not just ‘self-care.’”
The Impact of Unaddressed PTSD on Relationships:
A 2020 study in Journal of Anxiety Disorders found that partners of individuals with untreated PTSD often experience secondary trauma. Lead author Dr. Lisa M. Najavits states, “OP’s anger stems not from the ritual itself, but from the erosion of trust in her husband’s reliability during crises.”
Boundaries in Marriage:
Relationship coach Dr. John Gottman, known for his work on marital stability, argues: “Trauma doesn’t excuse harmful behavior. A partner’s needs—especially a child’s safety—must take precedence. OP’s boundary-setting isn’t cruelty; it’s self-preservation.”
Solutions Proposed by Experts:
- Urgent Trauma Therapy: Dr. van der Kolk emphasizes the need for EMDR or cognitive processing therapy to help the husband rewire his trauma response.
- Safety Planning: Dr. Najavits recommends creating emergency protocols (e.g., texting a code word) to bypass the car ritual during crises.
- Couples Counseling: Gottman suggests mediation to address OP’s shattered trust, but only if the husband commits to actionable change.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Reddit users overwhelmingly sided with OP, calling the husband’s actions “dangerously negligent.” Many criticized his family for enabling harmful behavior, with some urging OP to pursue full custody. Critics argued trauma “isn’t a free pass,” while a minority blamed OP for “abandoning” her husband instead of seeking therapy first.
This story forces us to confront the limits of empathy. Was OP right to prioritize her son’s immediate safety over her husband’s trauma, or does mental health deserve infinite patience? Can a marriage survive when coping mechanisms become liabilities? Share your perspective below.
I don’t normally respond to these things but as someone dealing with PTSD I understand your husband’s behavior somewhat. He doesn’t need a divorce He needs therapy- it helps really. Maybe if he refuses to go then consider it. Also, if you know this is what he does, why would you not have your son ready to get in the car when he drove in?
She’s most likely tired of dealing with this so a divorce is what’s best also having her son ready to go if she knows he’s like this you clearly must not have a kid she clearly needed help he sat there feeling stuck she did her best the damn neighbor stepped in to help while he sat he clearly been needing help yet held off this is come up ins for years of letting problems slide.
YTA why didn’t you call an ambulance instead of letting your child lay on the floor in painwaiting for your husband to drive home from work?
Yta dude he was already in the drive way for 8min he waits 10mins to come in due to trauma he doesn’t get help with he chose to sit while his son was hurt dumbass an ambulance would take twice as long to get to her house when he’s sitting outside like an idiot it’s his kid his responsibility to help his wife you must not 1 have kids 2 must be single
Has this husband ever seen a therapist? If he hasn’t why not? Or did he start and his family made him feel ashamed of being in therapy? From what the original poster said, her husband doesn’t want to get better, he wants to stay a victim. Get a divorce.
Not justifying but its an ankle the child wasnt in cardiac emergency or something like it and your husband needs support too. He is going through a lot and cant hold it together imagine doing that alone and being threatened with divorce
NTA for being so incredibly upset by your husband’s inability to assist immediately with your son’s emergency. Your children come first above all else. I do however think it is a bit a**hole-ish that you both as adults let it get to this explosive point, and to the detriment or your son’s wellbeing. Given all the time and knowledge of this severe issue your husband has been facing, this went on too long. This type of OCD is so extreme and he physically cannot function until he completes his pattern of behavior. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love your son or you. He most likely desperately wanted to get to your son to help, but he was paralyzed by his trama response. It’s like being trapped in your own body, no matter how hard you wish to break free, you MUST complete your coping mechanism, no matter how ludicrous it appeared to others. He had this mental health issue before you married him and this should have been addressed sooner, before an emergency arose to put you all in this predicament. You said yourself you worried it would cause this exact problem in an emergency, so why not work with him to get help instead of both of you setting your marriage up for failure? I don’t want to shame anyone, both sides are hurting, but so much of this was avoidable. If you didn’t have a vehicle yourself, then why not just call 911 for an ambulance, or call a neighbor to drive you and your son right away. I feel like waiting for your husband to come from work to help when you anticipated the struggle he would have seems like you were testing him, which isn’t fair. Not to him or to your injured son. Maybe you were already fed up with all this behavior and needed a big push to leave. But please consider that he could easily have met you at the hospital and your son would have been getting medical treatment without waiting on anyone’s mental health crisis or arguments to conclude. For that, both you and your husband ATA for not putting your son first. Listen, his OCD and trama have of course led to him being unreliable in an emergency, but you as an adult and mother to this child could have found other options to remedy the situation without your husband’s nonsense in the mix. And no you shouldn’t have to constantly compensate and do things without your husbands support, so divorce is justified. But if you love your husband and care for him to get well, make it a non negotiable to see a therapist and work through his issues. You will only get more unhappy the longer this goes on. And he will most likely still be in your son’s life divorced or not. What if the next time your kid gets hurt you aren’t there and it’s on dad’s time? You will need to push him to get help regardless of if you divorce or not. Good luck to you both!
Ok nta it’s good you are choosing to divorce him he clearly needs help. He was waiting 10min to come in to help his son who broke his ankle it’s ironic he’s clearly got unhealed trauma yet most likely traumatized his son for not being there so you should definitely mention that he should seek out help and help coparent do what feels best for you and your son since you can’t trust him doing an emergency.
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