AITAH for divorcing my husband because he spent 10 minutes in the car during a family emergency?
A woman decided to divorce her husband after he stayed in his car for ten minutes before entering the house during a family emergency involving her injured son. Her husband claims this is due to a trauma response from a past experience, making him uncomfortable entering immediately.
Despite her pleas during the emergency, he insisted on finishing his ritual, leaving her to handle the situation alone. Now, she feels she can no longer trust him in serious matters. Read the original story below…
‘ AITAH for divorcing my husband because he spent 10 minutes in the car during a family emergency?’
I (f) have been married to my husband (m) for 2 years. He has a habit of sitting in the car 5-10 minutes before entering the house. I don’t know why he does it, but he talked about a past traumatic experience he had when he came home and caught his ex cheating on him.
Because of that he’d just spend few minutes in his car before he enters his home as response to his trauma. Now I won’t say that he’s wrong in coping with what happened but this has made me feel uneasy and it had caused many fights between us.
Like when we have guests he’d sit outside before coming in, or when dinner is waiting on him and he’d take 10 minutes silently sitting in the car. I was worried that something might come up and he does not respond properly. And it happened last week.
My 8 yo son tripped and fell from the stairs and broke his a**le. He was in so much pain and I called my husband to come take him to the hospital and he rushed out of work but then I called and called and then I was stunned when I looked out the window and I saw him sitting outside the house in his car.
I was both shocked and angry. I ran outside and I asked how long he was sitting in the car. He told me around 8 minutes. I asked why he didn’t come into the house immediately to help and he said he would after 2 more minutes.
I was so mad and hurt but tried to rush him and he insisted he wouldn’t feel “comfortable” coming in until the 10 minutes were up. He told me to get my son ready to take him to the hospital, but I started screaming at him nonstop telling him this was a family emergency and that he was out of his mind to behave like that.
It might not have been my best response but I was shocked by his behavior and quite concerned because…I had this situation always stuck in the back of mind thinking what my husband do when there’s a family emergency. I ended up taking my son by myself when my neighbor intervened and offered to take us.
We went to the hospital and later my husband came and tried to talk to me but I refused. I then went to stay with my mom and texted him that I wanted a divorce. He tried to rationalize and justify what he’s done saying he could not help it and that he was nervous and wanted to help my son but felt stuck.
I refused to reply to his messages and days later his family literally harrassed me saying I was making my husband’s trauma more severe and that I disrespected his boundaries by pushing him off his limits. I feel lost and unable to think because of the whole ordeal.
My family are with me on this but they can be biased sometimes. My husband is still trying to basically talk me out of divorce saying I’m making a huge deal out of it. I feel like I no longer have trust in him especially when it comes to serious stuff like how cold he acted in a family emergency.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
purple_sun_ − It sounds like he is stuck in a compulsive behaviour. He needs to find a professional to help him address it. It’s going to be tough, especially as he let you down when you needed him. I bet he feels really bad about the situation. Ps I hope your son is doing ok
Test-Subject-593 − If he can’t get past his “my ex cheated on me” trauma to help a child who broke his a**le he needs therapy. It’s already caused “many fights” so if he refuses therapy do what you gotta do. NTA
Iowa_Hawkeyes4516 − If he can’t get past this when someone is having an emergency, it’s seriously impacting his life and needs to see a mental health professional. I understand your frustration, concern, and how this is in a sense a very serious straw that broke the camels back.
If I was in your situation, I would consider divorce only if he refuses to get help. You’ve been more than understanding when it’s stuff that’s not as big of a deal like dinner being ready, but in medical emergencies he needs to be able to either work through his discomfort or be okay with being uncomfortable since he doesn’t have a diagnosis of a mental health issue and won’t see a doctor.
It’s not acceptable or fair to you or your family to put someone else at risk because he would feel uncomfortable walking into the house.
Kip_Schtum − I’m just picturing him collapsed on the floor having a heart attack and she calmly looks at her watch and says she needs to wait 10 minutes because she was traumatized by him not helping their son in an emergency. He clearly needs professional help and if it was me I’d make it a condition of continuing the relationship. NTA
Inevitable-Divide933 − I wonder if this is the only strange thing that he does. If is has OCD then there are likely other quirks. However, since this is causing problems in his marriage, he needs to address it ASAP and his family needs to support his recovery from this compulsion. I don’t blame OP one bit.
Big_Zucchini_9800 − NTA but this is more than just a choice he made. This sounds like an obsessive compulsion. The fact that he HAS to wait EXACTLY 10 minutes each time sounds like he has created a permanent superstition in himself.
On a deep level he believes that if he comes in after 5 minutes you will HAVE TO cheat on him or something else terrible will happen. This is above Reddit’s pay grade. You need to get him into therapy with someone who can help him rewire this pathway and possibly look into why it was formed in the first place.
completedett − NTA Your husband should have gotten therapy for his responses already. To be this paralysed is not a good thing.
mamaMoonlight21 − It sounds like some form of OCD to me. Are there other ways in which your husband is oddly inflexible?
FakeTunaFromSubway − Sounds like your husband has serious issues and needs to get professional help from a therapist. Maybe you agree to stick around if he admits to his issues, sees a therapist, and commits to changing.
OhSoScandal − NTA when it comes to you wanting to divorce your husband. What I don’t really understand is why you didn’t pick up your 8 year old and rushed him to the car as soon as you looked out the window and saw your husband had arrived?
I don’t understand why you went outside and had a discussion/arguement when your 8 year old was inside on his own with a broken a**le.
Was she justified in prioritizing her son’s needs over her husband’s boundaries?
I don’t normally respond to these things but as someone dealing with PTSD I understand your husband’s behavior somewhat. He doesn’t need a divorce He needs therapy- it helps really. Maybe if he refuses to go then consider it. Also, if you know this is what he does, why would you not have your son ready to get in the car when he drove in?
She’s most likely tired of dealing with this so a divorce is what’s best also having her son ready to go if she knows he’s like this you clearly must not have a kid she clearly needed help he sat there feeling stuck she did her best the damn neighbor stepped in to help while he sat he clearly been needing help yet held off this is come up ins for years of letting problems slide.
YTA why didn’t you call an ambulance instead of letting your child lay on the floor in painwaiting for your husband to drive home from work?
Yta dude he was already in the drive way for 8min he waits 10mins to come in due to trauma he doesn’t get help with he chose to sit while his son was hurt dumbass an ambulance would take twice as long to get to her house when he’s sitting outside like an idiot it’s his kid his responsibility to help his wife you must not 1 have kids 2 must be single
Has this husband ever seen a therapist? If he hasn’t why not? Or did he start and his family made him feel ashamed of being in therapy? From what the original poster said, her husband doesn’t want to get better, he wants to stay a victim. Get a divorce.
Not justifying but its an ankle the child wasnt in cardiac emergency or something like it and your husband needs support too. He is going through a lot and cant hold it together imagine doing that alone and being threatened with divorce
NTA for being so incredibly upset by your husband’s inability to assist immediately with your son’s emergency. Your children come first above all else. I do however think it is a bit a**hole-ish that you both as adults let it get to this explosive point, and to the detriment or your son’s wellbeing. Given all the time and knowledge of this severe issue your husband has been facing, this went on too long. This type of OCD is so extreme and he physically cannot function until he completes his pattern of behavior. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love your son or you. He most likely desperately wanted to get to your son to help, but he was paralyzed by his trama response. It’s like being trapped in your own body, no matter how hard you wish to break free, you MUST complete your coping mechanism, no matter how ludicrous it appeared to others. He had this mental health issue before you married him and this should have been addressed sooner, before an emergency arose to put you all in this predicament. You said yourself you worried it would cause this exact problem in an emergency, so why not work with him to get help instead of both of you setting your marriage up for failure? I don’t want to shame anyone, both sides are hurting, but so much of this was avoidable. If you didn’t have a vehicle yourself, then why not just call 911 for an ambulance, or call a neighbor to drive you and your son right away. I feel like waiting for your husband to come from work to help when you anticipated the struggle he would have seems like you were testing him, which isn’t fair. Not to him or to your injured son. Maybe you were already fed up with all this behavior and needed a big push to leave. But please consider that he could easily have met you at the hospital and your son would have been getting medical treatment without waiting on anyone’s mental health crisis or arguments to conclude. For that, both you and your husband ATA for not putting your son first. Listen, his OCD and trama have of course led to him being unreliable in an emergency, but you as an adult and mother to this child could have found other options to remedy the situation without your husband’s nonsense in the mix. And no you shouldn’t have to constantly compensate and do things without your husbands support, so divorce is justified. But if you love your husband and care for him to get well, make it a non negotiable to see a therapist and work through his issues. You will only get more unhappy the longer this goes on. And he will most likely still be in your son’s life divorced or not. What if the next time your kid gets hurt you aren’t there and it’s on dad’s time? You will need to push him to get help regardless of if you divorce or not. Good luck to you both!
Ok nta it’s good you are choosing to divorce him he clearly needs help. He was waiting 10min to come in to help his son who broke his ankle it’s ironic he’s clearly got unhealed trauma yet most likely traumatized his son for not being there so you should definitely mention that he should seek out help and help coparent do what feels best for you and your son since you can’t trust him doing an emergency.