AITAH for ditching my MIL on Thanksgiving?

A Reddit user shared a complex Thanksgiving dilemma involving their manipulative mother-in-law, whose chaotic hosting habits and passive-aggressive antics have caused family tension for years. After being uninvited and then re-invited last minute, the user is torn between sticking to their original plans or giving in for the sake of family harmony. Read the full story below to weigh in on this holiday drama.

‘ AITAH for ditching my MIL on Thanksgiving?’

My mother-in-law has been ruining Thanksgiving for me for years and somehow she makes it more complicated every year. It started out with her just being overly stressed about hosting and she would snap at everyone and just make the whole atmosphere uncomfortable, but I always tried to be helpful and understanding. I mean, hosting IS stressful right?

Then one year I walked in on her smack-talking the dessert I had brought to my SIL and it hit me hard. Thanksgiving has never been the same for me since. In recent years, other people in the family have voiced their opinions about her antics, so at least I felt less alone in it.

One year, she passive aggressively announced to everyone in a group text that since it was very expensive, she would need us to all split up the dishes and bring something (as if we weren’t already doing that for years to begin with).

She would often assign my husband and me things that she knew we “couldn’t mess up” (mind you, I cook for my family literally everyday with zero complaints) like “bring pepperoni and cheese and crackers” (I designed a massive Charcuterie board that year just to prove that I was capable of more than just “bringing pepperoni and cheese”).

The following year, she texted us that in addition to splitting up the menu, she would be purchasing all of the ingredients for us, instructed us to Venmo her our share, and she would drop them off with her preferred dishes that she would like them served in.

The worst part is that, while she had assigned Sweet Potato Casserole to me because she doesn’t like it, she didn’t even drop off fresh ingredients (1/2 bag of stale marshmallows from her pantry and a can of yams) or the right ingredients (or right size dishes) and in addition to Venmo’ing her I still needed to go out and buy the ingredients for my dish.

Last year, was particularly stressful with them, in general, as there was a lot of other family drama going on. The one SIL I’m close with was going to be out of town for the holiday with her family anyway. So I put my foot down and told my husband I refused to spend the day with his mom and wanted to have Thanksgiving at home with my family.

He understood and my in-laws had friends they were hosting anyway. Then, at the last minute their plans fell through and they had no one to spend Thanksgiving with. So OF COURSE, I agreed to invite them to our Thanksgiving.

This year, we had all been avoiding the Thanksgiving conversation, except my FIL who is relatively oblivious to everything and would talk about it every time we saw him as if everything was going back to normal. So, in the spirit of trying to heal all the stuff from the past, I didn’t argue and just waited for further instruction from my MIL.

A few weeks ago, she came to my house and basically politely uninvited us, stating that “it’s just a lot of people this year”. For context, it IS a lot of people – she had always invited my family over as well, which I appreciated. And if she’s telling me she feels it’s too much for her, who am I to argue? Tbh I was relieved to not have to spend the day with her. Until I turned and looked at my daughter’s face. And my husband’s face when I told him. They were both extremely hurt that they were being excluded. On the one hand, it was understandable why she had chosen us (we have a whole other family to celebrate with), but on the other hand, her other children and grandchildren were still invited, so they definitely felt not great about it.

To make it worse, she suggested that we do Thanksgiving at my mom’s house (my mom was fine with it, but I thought it was a bit odd to go volunteering her to host without even talking to her) and then EVERYONE (all the people that were too many people for my MIL) could meet at MY house for pie and a bonfire. Fine. My kids would be devastated if they didn’t get to see their cousins for Thanksgiving, so we’ll make it work. I think I’ve been a really good sport.

Even when she made it extra awkward by not telling ANYONE that she had uninvited us, including her own husband, who awkwardly asked what the plans were and she just hushed him and told him “don’t worry about it”. Even when she lied to my 11yo niece’s face when she asked her if my kids would be there and she told her “of course, why wouldn’t they be?” (I literally had to turn to my 14yo who witnessed the initial conversation and ask if I had imagined it – she assured me I had not.)

Fast forward to 2 days ago and my husband gets a phone call from his mom, telling him that their plans fell through again and would we like to come after all? From a logistical standpoint, we’ve already planned our menu for my Mom’s Thanksgiving and purchased the majority of the food.

From a moral standpoint…NO. Just no. Why would I want to go over there after all the frustration she put everyone through this year? And to top it off, it REALLY bothered me the way she went about it – when she knew my husband might be upset, she came to me to uninvite us. When she knew I would be peeved to have to change plans again, she went to him. It just feels so m**ipulative and cowardly. I felt really justified in putting my foot down and saying, “No, you made your bed, now lay in it.”

Except… Everyone is unhappy. My kids are unhappy. My nieces are unhappy. My husband is unhappy. AITAH for wanting to just stick to the original plan to avoid my MIL as much as possible that day? I don’t want my pride to ruin everyone else’s Thanksgiving but I also REALLY don’t want to spend it with her.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Usual-Canary-7764 −  OP this is your opportunity to start YOUR own family tradition. Thanks giving at YOUR house. Whatever MIL’s plans are? “Don’t worry we are doing our thanksgiving but will stop by in the evening and say hi for an hour since we will be having a hectic day”.

I notice in all you wrote you have never once mentioned your husband confronting his mother about all her nonsense which to me says you have a bigger husband issue than a MIL one. It’s his mother he can deal with her. Spend time with your family in your house and see how many of these heartaches will disappear like magic. She bad mouths you, undermines you, excludes your family…why do u keep enabling her by going back to her? NTA.

CuteeCharlotte −  i’m hoping that when I get married i won’t have this type of MIL . anyway OP, NTA. your MIL has been difficult, and you’ve tried to be understanding, it’s fair to stick to your plans.

Turbulent_Ebb5669 −  2 days ago? Seriously? You need to explain to your husband and kids as to why you’re going to say no. This year is for YOUR side of the family.

VegetableBusiness897 −  Firstly, I’d tell everyone (and loudly) that for some reason your family was uninvited from the ‘family’Thanksgiving. I’d tell your husband that from here on in, you were going to do a drama free. Thanksgiving at yours. Do invites early, since it sends your MIL is flakey. Then just….take it over. Start your own tradition, focus on the kids….pretty sure the cousins will start begging to go to yours instead of stuffy old granny’s.

Cursd818 −  NTA. Please stop giving in to her whims. Tell everyone that she uninvited you from Thanksgiving and lied about it to everybody. You are *protecting* her nastiness by keeping quiet, and it’s just causing the whole thing to snowball each year. It’s also causing more harm to your children. What they’re learning is that people can treat them like scum, and they deserve it, because nobody stands up for them.

Stand up for them. Tell MIL that you will be doing your own Thanksgiving as planned since she uninvited you. Invite the cousins to visit you in the evening. Don’t extend that invite to MIL. Tell her that from now on, you will do your own Thanksgiving since she has behaved so badly multiple times and you refuse to allow your family to be so mistreated.

You aren’t protecting your family’s feelings by bowing down to her. You’re making it worse. Everytime she gets away with it, she gets bolder, and your family is treated worse. So, stop. Speak up. You don’t only get to see your nieces when MIL decrees it. And if she fails that you’re being mean, remind her that she uninvited you twice.

She was the one who was mean, and your family is not a consolation prize. Let her have her pathetic tantrum. Maybe it will teach her to be kinder to your family in future, maybe not. But at least your children will see their mother refuse to let them be mistreated anymore.

okay_alyssa00 −  DO NOT LET THAT WOMAN TAKE OVER YALLS THANKSGIVING. This is not okay she is selfish and disrespectful. You have put up with this for too long and the more you let it happen, the more she will think it’s okay to walk all over you and your family.

Extension-Plum-180 −  NTA. Your MIL created this mess and now expects you to fix it? You’ve put up with her m**ipulative nonsense for years—she doesn’t get to ruin your plans last minute.

teresajs −  NTA. Stop letting this woman control your family and make you miserable. You already have plans for Thanksgiving and have invited others to your home and bought some of your supplies.  You aren’t changing your plans for MIL. From now on, plan all your holidays without MILs input.  Stop letting her control you and make you miserable.

YeeHawMiMaw −  How do “plans fall through” when you gave so many people invited that you have to tell your son’s family not to come? Did everyone cancel on her?

Zealousideal_Fail946 −  She is setting you up again to fail. You need to stick with going to your mother’s and having it there. Turn off your phones. All of you and have a wonderful day. I don’t understand why she gets to dictate everyone else and why everyone lets her. Let her flail this year and have to run to a restaurant on her own.

Again, turn off your phones and block her number on all your phones at your soonest. From this point on it will be manipulation and guilt tripping. There isn’t enough liquor to take that kind of stress away.