AITAH for crying when my boyfriend let his best friend’s wife alter the dish I made for dinner?
A young woman prepared a traditional Bengali dessert to share at a dinner with her boyfriend’s friends. However, his friend’s wife, known for her cooking, altered the dish by adding cinnamon to it for color, which changed the flavor. This upset the woman, who felt disrespected and later teared up.
Her boyfriend dismissed her feelings, saying his friends view her as “childish” and that her reaction was unnecessary. read the original story below…
‘ AITAH for crying when my boyfriend let his best friend’s wife alter the dish I made for dinner?’
My boyfriend (28M) and I (22F) met at work two years ago. Technically I was working part-time during undergrad and he was a customer, but after a couple of months, we started going out. I really love this man and nothing has happened on this scale before, so I’m very confused about it.
My bf has a very tight group of friends. I am well acquainted with them, and their girlfriends. One of them Dave, just is married to Ellie (f**e names). Ellie is an excellent cook and often hosts dinners, and everyone brings a dessert to those dinners.
I am the youngest in the group, so most times they brush off my requests for contributing or bringing in a dessert. However, the last time I asked Dave and Ellie if they wanted anything extra like wine or some sweet dish for dinner, they said I could bring one of those sweet dishes I make for my boyfriend.
I’m Indian, and even though I can’t cook as well as my mom, and I’m well, in a different country for studies, I called my mom up and had her teach me properly how to make a specific Bengali sweet which is my favourite. I had my friends taste it and they said it was great.
My boyfriend ate some and said it was excellent. Except, last night, I greeted Ellie and kept the dish in the kitchen. When the food was brought out and my boyfriend told everyone I made it, I saw that someone had added cinnamon powder to the sweet. You never have the sweet with cinnamon powder.
The dessert tasted like cinnamon and I felt horrible. Though everyone said thank you and it was good, I think my face gave it away, and my boyfriend took me aside and said that Ellie had told him that my sweet looked ‘too white’ and thought some cinnamon might bring some colour into it.
I don’t know, I just felt awful and I started to tear up. My boyfriend then defended Ellie and said that his friends already think I’m a child and not make a big deal of this and we will talk about it. I told him Ellie asked him first, couldn’t he have told her not to add cinnamon to the sweet?
He told me he didn’t think it was a big deal and asked me to drop the topic on the way home. I didn’t text him goodnight and this morning he said he was sorry and said my crying made him feel like an awful person. I don’t know, now I think I overreacted. AITA?
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Dry_Repair192 − NTA, I’m an indian as well, and adding cinnamon sounds crazy. She just added it without tasting, almost like she ruined it on purpose. And yea your bf should feel bad about this.
VegetableBusiness897 − Bf saying ‘everyone thinks you’re a child’, and him saying ‘we’ll talk about this later’ is *him* telling you he thinks you’re a child.
Gurl, tell him you’re tired of hanging out with judgemental old farts and you’re going to go find people younger and cooler to be with. Please don’t think this guy hung the moon
Patient_Dependent312 − Did she even taste it before dumping cinnamon on it? And who the f**k dumps an extra ingredient onto something that they didn’t make, to give it “more color”. Your bf is a d**k for g**lighting you, and then only apologizing when you rightfully start pulling away from him, that is toxic as f**k!
eThotExpress − So your boyfriend doesn’t defend you and apparently all his friends think you’re a child. Which he also doesn’t defend you against. He’s also got 6 years on you, dudes nearing 30.Does your boyfriend often treat you like a child?
Does your boyfriend usually defend his friends when they do some f**k s**t like this? Does your boyfriend defend you at ALL?? He should feel like an awful person. He is an awful boyfriend
flexyyywillow − NTA. Your boyfriend should have stood up for you and your dish. Adding cinnamon without your consent was disrespectful and you have every right to feel upset. Don’t let anyone downplay your feelings. Also, that sweet sounds delicious and I’m sorry they ruined it with cinnamon.
BeautifulParamedic55 − NTA, your feelings were rightfully hurt, you’re allowed to feel those feelings. You didnt yell, scream, make a scene etc. Ellie changed the recipe. It is a special INDIAN dessert, and she had no right whatsoever to “adjust” it.
Going forward you need your man to see how utterly disrespectful this was, not just to you as a person, but also to your culture. Find a way to have a calm discussion (with man, then with Ellie) as hopefully this is more of just an ignorance thing as opposed to malicious, but do not let people stomp over you and your heritage.
Particular-Glove-225 − “His friends already think I’m a child”. Please Op, be careful to this. An ex of mine told me his friends thought some things about me and I discovered that they didn’t and he was lying to me after years. It could be a sort of manipulation.
I would talk to Ellie just in case, also to put some healthy boundaries. Even if she did it withtthe best intentions, it’s still a bit disrespectful to make adjustments to a dish without asking to the cooker. She asked your boyfriend apparently, why is that? Why didn’t she ask you?
It would be more respectful and appropriate IMHO. NTA Edit to add that you bf should be more respectful of your feelings too. He seems a bit an Ah in his response to you crying… That’s not exactly the reaction you want when you are hurt
primordial_chaos_007 − Let your mother, aunt (masi, pisi and jethima) and your grandmothers know that Ellie put cinnamon in mishti. And put her on a conference call with them. Ellie will forget cinnamon exists, she might forget her own name in the process, but that’s fine
Like, I can’t imagine the disrespect. “Too white”. Bengali sweet dishes ARE WHITE, it’s mostly made from milk. If you go to a dessert shop on West Bengal, most trays are white in summer and brown in winter because sugar is replaced with molasses. OP, NTA (In case you didn’t realize already, proud ghoti here)
RanaEire − I’m bad and wouldn’t mind rocking the boat to set up some boundaries: I would text Ellie and tell her straight up that I was displeased to see that she altered my dish without talking to me beforehand.
**How would she like it if you went and added seasoning that did not complement one of her dishes, without asking?** *She has no respect for you, and it seems that, yes, they somehow see you as a kid.* With regards to your BF, tell him the same. And that you don’t think he has your back or respects you enough.
Cute-Profession9983 − Sounds like an older guy seduced a naive young woman and is getting a little annoyed that she isn’t behaving like his property…
Was her reaction justified, or did she overreact? Share your thoughts below!
For those who want to read the sequel:
Part 2: https://aita.pics/szQvA
Part 3: https://aita.pics/QSlpV