AITAH for convincing my fiance to cut off his family?
A Redditor shared their story of encouraging their fiancé to cut off his family after years of being pressured to prioritize his sister’s needs over their own.
With constant demands to babysit her children and guilt-tripping from his parents, the couple finally decided enough was enough. But now the fiancé feels conflicted. Read the story below for the full context.
‘ AITAH for convincing my fiance to cut off his family?’
My fiance (26m) has been having issues with his close family ever since his sister (28f) had her first baby first year of university, so it’s been a while. I met him when we were both 19, so you can imagine that I’ve seen my fair share of them as well during these years.
The issue is that, since his sister has multiple young children, his parents think she should always have priority and they tend to drop every plan they have when she calls, and they expect us to do the same, which is the cause of the rift.
“Jackie”, his sister, is just about the most immature person I know. She lives off of child support from one of her kids’ dads (and what my in-laws give her monthly) and often asks for “help”, which is to say she forces my in-laws and us to babysit when she wants to go out without kids.
What pushed us to make our decision is what happened last Saturday. We were supposed to go out for our anniversary, we had a nice dinner booked in a famous restaurant two hours from home and tickets for a movie we wanted to watch. As we were already driving, my fiance got a call from his mother to ask if we could babysit Jackie’s kids.
Bf said no, we were away from home and not planning to return anytime soon. His mother said, and I quote “Then come back, Jackie needs a babysitter and we can’t always be the ones to help”. My partner obviously got annoyed told her that she could pay a babysitter for Jackie’s kids if she really needed one, then hung up.
They spent the entire evening first arguining about how “we never help the family” and then guilt tripping us because “Jackie had to cancel her plans” and “she is a tired single mom” and we “owe her some help”. When we returned home eventually, me and my fiance had a discussion about this.
He brought up how he was so tired of their s**tty attitudes, amd since moving away is not possible for us, I told him that maybe it was time to cut them off and show them what “not having help” really means, because we have sacrificed plenty of days for his sister’s kids in these years (without so much as a thank you) and I was frankly at my limit.
It didn’t take long for him to agree, because we have discussed this with them before and they never changed their attitudes. He sent a long text in their family group about our decision, highlighting how we felt exploited and how we never agreed to have our lives revolve around Jackie’s kids, and then we blocked them anywhere we could think about.
These past days, at least for me, have been blissful. However I can tell that my boyfriend has been a bit gloomy since this all happened and I can’t help but think that I shouldn’t have meddled as much. AITAH? Should I have just stayed out of this?
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
BlueGreen_1956 − Maybe NTA. But I would guess if his resentment grows, he could very possibly blame your “meddling” for it. Hopefully, he will see that it was the best decision in the long run. His sister chose to have her kids. She is responsible for that decision.
Garden_Lady2 − NTA, this demands from his family definitely effect you too. Enjoy less stress. Enjoy the lack of interruptions. Make plans to go out. His family will get the message that your time belongs to you.
One_Party_2206 − NTA. It sounds like you and your fiancé have been put in an incredibly unfair and exhausting situation, and it makes sense that you reached a breaking point. You’ve both been very accommodating in the past, sacrificing time and energy to help his sister without any appreciation or reciprocation.
Your suggestion to cut off his family was a response to the repeated exploitation and lack of respect. That said, it’s also important to acknowledge that these kinds of decisions can be emotionally taxing, and it’s understandable that your fiancé might feel conflicted, especially since cutting off family is a big step.
However, you weren’t wrong for advocating for boundaries and wanting a healthier dynamic. It seems like both of you reached this decision together, and if anything, the family’s behavior, especially their entitlement, was what pushed you to make that call.
The fact that you’re both experiencing a bit of relief after making this decision shows it was likely the right move. That said, the emotional fallout might take time to process, and it’s important to keep communicating with your fiancé about how you’re both feeling as you adjust to this new reality.
More_Conversation723 − Have you asked him if he made the decision because you said so or because he wanted to? This will answer many things for you. He is an adult and can make his own decisions, you just gotta clarify that this wasnt you pushing him into it cos resentment can start when things get tough.
He will be gloomy because cutting yourself from toxic family really hurts. It becomes a grieving process so be supportive as best you can without telling him how he should and shouldn’t feel cos he has to process and unpick a lot. Good luck
Eastern_Condition863 − NTA, but sounds like he is in mourning and disappointed in his family for making him go to such drastic measures. He’s finally figuring out his family doesn’t give a s**t about him, his life or his comforts. Of course he’s going to be sad for losing his family, but it’s for a good reason.
You have every right to voice your opinion on the matter since it directly affects you. You didn’t make him cut off his family. He made that decision on his own. Support him.
Petrichor_ness − I went no contact with my family a long time ago. I’d been low contact for years but after a final piece of straw that broke the camels back, I cut them out completely. I sent them a letter, explaining after years of physical and mental abuse, I would no longer allow them in my life.
After I sent the letter my sister contacted my husband. Apparently they were all raging – I’m so petty, it was years ago, I need to get over it, it was the 90s, everyone treated their kids like a football, sister needs more help than me so I shouldn’t resent her
(she had a private education but ended up in too much trouble with the police which kinda messed up her future), I’m just an unpleasant person etc. Honestly, I don’t care, I’m so much better off without them in my life but it took some time to come to terms with it. 30+years of pent up emotion.
You say his family is close, even if he doesn’t regret the choice, it’s going to take time to adapt. Relationships are way easier to rebuild than mental health so just give him some more time and let him talk/vent if he needs to.
The_Naxian_ − NTA. Helping family is fantastic as long as it does not mess up with your life and as long as you are willing to do it!
He will get over his guilt! Give it some time! His family had to respect his effort so far! It was quite unfair to demand so much from someone who hasn’t made the bad choices!
maleficentwasright − NTA. I’m a single parent, if I demanded one of my brothers drop their plans cos I needed time to myself or wanted a night out, I would get laughed at, called out, and hung up on. Never mind if they wear actually driving to a date night which I would probably get told to FO.
If his parents are fed up of always bring the ones to watch SILs kids, then they cam also say no. She can go out when their dad(s) have them, or like he said, hire a sitter. It’s not the responsibility of aunts and uncles to provide free unlimited childcare cos their siblings had kids.
WhiteKnightPrimal − NTA. Cutting off family sucks, though, I know from experience. I made the decision myself, with no one’s input, but it still hurt like hell and you could easily tell it was bothering me for a while. This has just happened, but you want to watch out for growing resentment and your bf blaming you.
Talk to him, just about his feelings. Get him to open up about how this is affecting him so you can support him through it. Once things are calmer, you can discuss the NC again, see if you want to keep it as a permanent thing or treat it more as a time out. I’d be done, myself, but I cut people off a lot easier now than I once did.
You’ve only previously discussed this option, you’ve never actually gone through with it. A few months with no contact, and no help, may be enough to fix the issue, as long as you remain firm in your boundaries going forward.
That means only babysitting when you want to and are actually available, not changing plans, no lending money, that sort of thing. Let your bf lead on this. Advise and support but do things his way. If he wants it permanent, go with that.
If he wants it temporary, do that instead, but make your boundaries clear and make sure he knows you will expect him to follow through on that, and you won’t be happy if he goes back to dropping everything for his irresponsible sister.
If he wants to help in some way, suggest he starts up trust funds for his nieces and nephews. They may not end up big, but they’ll get a little something off their uncle when they turn, say, 21. You know, adults, who are hopefully no longer living at home so mum can’t take the money from them.
Luiz0488 − NTA. Sounds like you’ve been incredibly patient with his family constant boundary pushing for years, and enough is enough. You are not the Villain.
Do you think the Redditor was right to suggest cutting ties for the sake of boundaries, or should family dynamics have been handled differently? How would you manage being caught between a partner and a demanding family? Share your thoughts below!