AITAH for considering leaving my wife who cheated on me 15 years ago now that our kids are in college?
When a painful betrayal lingers in the background of a long‑term relationship, it can feel like a constant shadow—even as life appears to move on. Our OP, a 53‑year‑old man, has been with his wife for 15 years, weathering ups and downs, healing wounds, and even rebuilding love after an affair that shattered his trust 15 years ago.
At the time, with their twin daughters only 3 years old, he chose to put his children’s well‑being first and work through the betrayal, following reconciliation steps that allowed their relationship to slowly mend. Despite the occasional romantic moments, the memory of that infidelity has never truly left him.
Now that their daughters have turned 18 and are off to college, our OP finds himself at a crossroads. With the kids grown and more independent, he’s seriously considering divorce. Although he still loves his wife, the hurt from her past betrayal remains an unhealed wound.
The thought of continuing the marriage with that lingering pain is unbearable for him, and he wonders: Am I the asshole for contemplating a divorce now, after all these years, just because I still haven’t forgiven the betrayal?
‘AITAH for considering leaving my wife who cheated on me 15 years ago now that our kids are in college?’
Expert Opinion:
Navigating the complexities of forgiveness and long‑term relationship repair is no small feat, especially when a betrayal continues to cast its shadow over a marriage. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist known for her work on relationship dynamics and forgiveness, notes,
“When a traumatic event, like infidelity, remains unresolved even years later, it can undermine the emotional foundation of a relationship, regardless of the outward appearance of stability.” ([kidshealth.org]) In the OP’s case, the unresolved pain from the affair is a significant factor in his decision-making process. Even though he stayed together for the sake of his children, the emotional residue of that betrayal still affects him deeply.
Dr. Durvasula explains that “forgiveness isn’t a switch that can be turned on and off; it’s a process that sometimes requires both time and active healing. If one partner continues to hold onto that hurt, it can lead to feelings of resentment and emotional distance, which are valid reasons for reconsidering the relationship.”
Meanwhile, family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson emphasizes the importance of addressing these deep-seated wounds through counseling. “If one partner isn’t able to let go of the past, it can create an emotional gap that, over time, may become irreparable,” she advises. In situations where long‑term hurt remains despite efforts at reconciliation, it’s crucial for individuals to assess whether the relationship is meeting their emotional needs.
The OP’s consideration of divorce—though heartbreaking—reflects a need for personal healing and the desire to live free from constant emotional strain. His inner conflict is not a matter of being ungrateful or unloving; it’s about the reality that unresolved pain can undermine the quality of a relationship, even after many years.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
Many redditors empathize with the OP, noting that infidelity can leave an indelible mark on a relationship, even if both partners have tried to move on. They applaud his honesty in admitting that the betrayal still haunts him and believe that considering divorce in such circumstances is understandable.
In the end, the OP’s consideration of divorce after 15 years, driven by an unresolved betrayal, is a deeply personal decision that speaks to the challenges of forgiveness and long‑term healing. While he stayed for his children and tried to rebuild trust, the lingering pain of his wife’s infidelity continues to affect him.
What do you think? Should the weight of a past betrayal be enough to end a long‑term relationship, or is there a path to healing that could save a marriage? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation?