AITAH for choosing my sister over my daughter?

When deep family wounds refuse to heal, the consequences can echo for years. Our OP, a 34‑year‑old man, tells a heartbreaking story of how a bitter divorce and subsequent family fallout drove him to make a life‑altering decision. After his ex-wife’s emotional affair and a painful co‑parenting struggle, his 14‑year‑old daughter—who once shared a close bond with him—expressed that she preferred her stepdad over her own father.

That crushing revelation, coming from someone he deeply cared about, shattered him and led him to resolve that he no longer wanted to invest emotionally or financially in their relationship. Now, with his daughter growing into adolescence, the OP has chosen to distance himself from her entirely. He’s removed her as the primary beneficiary on his accounts,

redirected funds set aside for her future, and plans to cease contact after she turns 18—all while leaning on his supportive sister, who has her own history of heartbreak. His stance, though harsh to some, raises a tough question: when does self‑preservation become justified, and who ultimately bears the blame when a parent’s unresolved pain fuels long‑term estrangement?

‘AITAH for choosing my sister over my daughter?’

When deep-seated emotional pain leads to long-term estrangement between a parent and child, the issue becomes multifaceted and heart-wrenching. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist with extensive expertise in relationship dynamics and unresolved grief, explains, “When a parent feels continuously rejected and emotionally unfulfilled, it can lead to a protective withdrawal that, while seemingly harsh, is often a survival mechanism.

The pain of not being loved in the way you expected can be so profound that over time, distancing yourself seems like the only viable solution.” (kidshealth.org) In this case, the OP’s decision to distance himself from his daughter is rooted in the deep hurt he experienced when she declared her preference for her stepdad. That statement, coming from someone he had invested so much love and effort in raising, struck him with a force that appears to have built up over years of perceived rejection.

Dr. Durvasula further emphasizes that “emotional estrangement often results from an accumulation of unmet needs and persistent feelings of inadequacy. When one partner feels that they have continuously sacrificed for a relationship—be it through financial, emotional, or practical means—over time, the lack of reciprocation can create a lasting rift.”

In the OP’s narrative, despite his continued presence in his daughter’s life—attending extracurriculars and spending custody time with her—the underlying message has become clear: she has chosen a different emotional path, one that leaves him feeling unappreciated. Family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson also notes, “Boundaries in relationships are necessary, but when those boundaries are built upon pain and unresolved grief, they can become self‑fulfilling prophecies.

A parent’s decision to withdraw may protect them in the short term, but it also risks creating a self‑imposed exile that can be just as damaging in the long run.” In this light, the OP’s move to redirect his financial and emotional resources toward his supportive sister rather than his daughter is seen as a reaction borne out of cumulative hurt. While some might argue that a parent should always try to mend bridges,

experts contend that when repeated attempts at reconciliation fail and the emotional wounds remain raw, distancing oneself becomes a coping mechanism. In this case, the OP’s declaration that he will cease contact after his daughter turns 18 is a stark, if painful, decision to protect his own mental health after years of feeling emotionally abandoned.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Many redditors empathize with the OP, noting that after years of feeling rejected, it’s understandable to want to withdraw emotionally. “If you give your heart and still get hurt, sometimes distancing yourself is the only way to preserve your sanity,” one commenter remarked, highlighting that the daughter’s hurtful declaration can have lasting consequences.

Ultimately, the OP’s decision to emotionally and financially distance himself from his daughter is a heart‑breaking reaction to years of feeling rejected. While some might argue that every parent should try to mend the bond, the reality is that deep emotional pain can sometimes lead to a protective withdrawal.

Is it fair for a parent to sever ties when their heart is repeatedly wounded by the one they love? Or is there still hope for reconciliation through counseling and renewed effort? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself caught in this emotionally complex situation?