AITAH For Being Hurt That My MIL Wanted To Exclude My Daughter From Thanksgiving and Christmas To Protect My SIL?

A Reddit user (31F) shares her heartbreak over a request from her mother-in-law to exclude her infant daughter from Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations to accommodate her sister-in-law Ashley, who has struggled with infertility.

Despite understanding Ashley’s pain, the user feels deeply hurt by the suggestion and the fact that her daughter, the first grandchild in the family, would be sidelined.

This request has led to tension in the family, with her husband fully supporting her. To read more about how the family dynamics unfolded and the emotional conflict it created, continue reading the full story below.

‘ AITAH For Being Hurt That My MIL Wanted To Exclude My Daughter From Thanksgiving and Christmas To Protect My SIL?’

31F. I’m married to my husband Tyler (32M) and I gave birth to our first child (a baby girl) almost three months ago. I love Tyler very much, and I always felt grateful that I married into the family I did. I grew up with a single mom and it was always just the two of us.

I love my mother dearly, but I always wished I had a larger family unit with siblings when I was a little. My mom passed away from ovarian cancer about two years ago, and so now I truly don’t have family apart from my in-laws. By contrast, my husband’s parents are happily married and he’s one of four children.

Everyone has always been kind and welcoming to me, and I always have a blast at their holidays and family reunions. The only exception is Tyler’s twin sister Ashley. Since I met her, Ashley has been cool and standoffish towards me, especially compared to her friendly younger brothers and parents.

She’s never been outright mean to me, but she’s also never made much of an effort to ask me questions or get to know me. I know she also has some resentment towards Tyler, and sometimes comments on the fact that he’s the favorite and that everything comes easy to him.

Some of her comments irk me, since I know how hard Tyler has worked for his success and also see that he has struggles he doesn’t share with the family since he doesn’t like to burden others. I’ve never said anything about the comments, since Tyler accepts it’s the way she is and doesn’t get too bothered by her.

Even though Ashley and I are far from best friends, I’ve been sad to learn that she’s had a hard time getting pregnant. She and her husband have been trying for around two years now, and she recently had a miscarriage.

I’ve tried to be mindful of what she’s going through, and intentionally avoided talking about my pregnancy and now baby around her. I even declined my MIL’s offer to throw me a baby shower, since I thought it would be difficult for Ashley with everything going on.

With that being said, the entire family has been incredibly exited about my daughter. My husband is the first of his siblings to have a child, and so it’s an exciting time and transition for the family. Yesterday, my MIL and FIL came to our house for dinner.

My MIL said she had something difficult to speak with us about, and stared talking about what a hard few years it’s been for Ashley. My MIL said Ashley is excited for us, but it’s painful to see me with an infant when she’s wanted to be a mother for so long.

She said Ashley is dreading the holidays because she’s worried everyone will be focusing on and fussing over the new baby. My MIL said that she was looking forward to spending the holidays with us, especially since it’s our daughter’s first Thanksgiving and Christmas, but she’s trying to think of her daughter’s feelings as well.

My MIL basically asked if we could either sit out on the family Thanksgiving and Christmas this year or hire sitter to watch our daughter so all the focus won’t be on her. My MIL even floated the idea of me staying home with the baby, and my husband stopping by quickly to say hello.

My husband was livid. He said that Ashley should be the one to stay home if she can’t manage her emotions, and my MIL said that Ashley is going through a lot and needs her family right now. My husband said he’s not celebrating the holidays with the family unless the baby and I are both included.

I started crying, which surprised everyone, since I rarely show emotion. I said that I feel terrible for Ashley, but I’m incredibly sad and disappointed that my daughter is being excluded. I explained that I don’t have family now that my mother is gone, and so I really want my child to have a strong bond with her grandparents, uncles, and aunt.

My MIL said there will be opportunities in the future for her to bond with the family. I said I don’t think I’ll feel welcomed in the future now that I know they’re so willing to exclude both myself and my daughter.

I said it’s sad that we’re clearly not viewed as an important part of the family since my MIL was so quick to suggest we both stay home. I said I understand that Ashley is her daughter, and so her loyalty will always be to her her first, but also, I’m very hurt by the request.

My MIL started to backtrack and said that she loves me and her granddaughter very much and that this clearly wasn’t the right way to handle the situation. She said she was trying to do the right thing, but she didn’t spend enough time thinking everything through.

My husband was still fuming, and asked his parents to leave even though his mom was crying and begging to work things out.
I’ve gotten several calls from my MIL today. I know I should give her a call and hear what she has to say, but I’m still so hurt.

My husband is also upset, and doesn’t want to participate in the holidays this year. Maybe I’m being selfish under the circumstances, but I can’t believe how easily they could exclude my baby. AITAH?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Enigmaticsole −  Let your husband deal with his family and take a step back. Start your own family traditions. There is nothing to stop you inviting who you want to celebrate with…

lecorbeauamelasse −  I know she also has some resentment towards Tyler, and sometimes comments on the fact that he’s the favorite and that everything comes easy to him.

My MIL said that she was looking forward to spending the holidays with us, especially since it’s our daughter’s first Thanksgiving and Christmas, but she’s trying to think of her daughter’s feelings as well.

My MIL basically asked if we could either sit out on the family Thanksgiving and Christmas this year or hire sitter to watch our daughter so all the focus won’t be on her. My MIL even floated the idea of me staying home with the baby, and my husband stopping by quickly to say hello.

Spoiler alert: your husband is not, in fact, the favorite. Good for your husband for standing his ground and stepping up for you and your wee one. Let him take the lead with his family, that’s his job and he seems to be doing it very well. All the best to you and your family.

Janetaz18 −  NTA. What were MIL and FIL’s plans if Ashley is never able to have a baby? Leave you out until your child is an adult? It’s sad that she hasn’t been able to get pregnant but it shouldn’t mean that you and your child are treated any differently.

BackToGuac −  Omg absolutely NTA. Your MIL is being incredibly cruel and your husband is right, Ashley should be the one to sit out if she can’t manage her emotions.

This is your baby’s first holiday period and should be one filled with joy and celebration for the new grandchild, it’s crazy to think it’s reasonable to ask you to sit out or to feign ignorance on how hurtful this is. I would go LC after this and do something really special just the 3 of you this year

Chaoticgood790 −  NTA let your husband handle this and block your MIL for now. The fact that they are so insane to suggest you leave your baby at home?!? Who in their right mind suggests that? I will say one positive thing out of this: your husband is a keeper

Traditional-Ad2319 −  I’ve read other posts on here like that where someone is having trouble getting pregnant so the rest of the family is supposed to pretend that they don’t have kids or they’re not pregnant or they have a baby. This is a ridiculous way to live.

While I feel very sorry for someone who wants to get pregnant and is having difficulty it doesn’t mean the rest of the world has to start pretending they don’t have babies. This is a grown-up woman she needs to learn to deal if she can’t she should stay home.

ApocolypseJoe −  NTA And DON’T respond to her. Anything she has to say from now on needs to go through her son. She’s only panicking because she’s now realizing that she’s gonna lose out on opportunities to hang out with her own grandchild…

How selfish can she be? Time to start making some family holiday traditions of your own.

MuttFett −  Get a sitter for a three month old………. Hell no. What if Ashley can never get pregnant? You and your daughter are just excluded forever? At least your husband stood up for you.. NTA

EstimateOverall6885 −  Let me say this as someone who just got pregnant after 4YEARS OF TRYING. Ashley is the AH. While my husband and I were trying babies were popping out like crazy in my extended family and with friends it was hard but I MANAGED MY OWN EMOTIONS.

My brother met his now wife who already had a child who I instantly attached to because of my desire for children and because she is so dang cute. When they got married they basically immediately got pregnant.

I was texting her nearly everyday to show that even though I was going through infertility I will always be there for my niece/nephews. She ended up with twin boys and as soon as I could get home and visit them I did! I took over so that she could relax and I loved on those babies as if they were my own.

Ashley is being selfish and trying to get you and your darling daughter out of the way so she can be the center of attention. I would not talk to your MIL and let your husband handle it as it’s his side. I’d let him know what you were feeling and what you would want in the end.

But at the end of the day he is the protector of the family and if he feels he needs to protect you from his family then he should. This is an awful situation to be in and I hope yall figure it out but just because you want family doesn’t mean his family is up for the job. Sometimes the best family is the ones you choose.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You just found out what your MIL really thinks of you.

Do you think the user’s feelings of hurt and betrayal are justified, or do you think her mother-in-law’s request was an understandable attempt to manage family dynamics? How would you have handled the situation if you were in her shoes? Share your thoughts in the comments below!