AITAH for being controlling about family finances?
A Reddit user, who handles all the family finances, recently discovered a new credit card charge that was unfamiliar. After asking their spouse about it, the spouse became defensive, claiming they deserve financial privacy.
The user, who consolidated the family’s finances to streamline spending and avoid late fees, insists on knowing where the family’s money goes. This led to a major argument, and now the user is wondering if they were wrong to assert control over the finances in this way.
‘ AITAH for being controlling about family finances?’
I handle all of the finances in our family and a couple of years ago consolidated our finances to 3 credit cards (chosen for various rewards systems, ie 3% back on groceries, 5% back of travel etc).
Another reason we consolidated is because my spouse is self admittedly terrible with finances and we were constantly paying interest on certain cards that we could have easily paid off if they were better about keeping on track, it was just being absentminded about not paying bills on time.
While going through finances I saw some payments to a credit card that is new. I asked my spouse about it and they became defensive and said I am controlling with money and they deserve “financial freedom/privacy”. We own a house, and have 2 kids together.
I told my spouse that we are married, there is no such thing as “financial privacy”. I do not tell them what they can and cannot buy, I just need to know WHERE our expenses are being spent on a monthly basis so we can keep track of our habits.
Huge fight ensued. Am I in the wrong here? Hoping for answers from married couples more than anything.
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
Interesting-Cut-9057 − Nta. You need couples therapy for finances. This will never end.
Rye_One_ − It is fair for either spouse to want to have some degree of financial autonomy – it’s hard to buy someone a gift if they know what you bought and what you spent on it before you’re even able to give it to them.
This said, it does need to come with a clear understanding on what the responsibility is to go with it. You need to accept that the current arrangement doesn’t work for your spouse, and come up with a different one that you can both accept.
_s1m0n_s3z − I told my spouse that we are married, there is no such thing as “financial privacy”. This is only true if that is what the two of you agree. This is not a universal truth of marriage; not since women gained the right to own property, that is.
zoehoneybabe − **NTA**. You’re not being “controlling”; you’re being responsible. Managing family finances when you have a house and kids isn’t about “privacy”; it’s about teamwork and transparency. Your spouse already admitted they’re bad with money, and now they’re hiding a new credit card?
That’s not “financial freedom”; that’s a recipe for disaster. If your spouse wants some spending money to feel independent, cool—set aside a budget for that. But sneaky financial moves when you’re managing everything for the family? Nah, that’s a breach of trust, not freedom.
WinnerActive9414 − Lite NTA. Sounds like your partner is not full on board with your tight controls. My spouse controls the payments and finances, but we each have some personal money that we control with no oversight by the other.
This gives us freedom to spend on stupid stuff if we want. And no guilt or even knowledge of the other unless we want to tell them. The main money we talk about any big items, but she is more disciplined and I don’t have to worry about it. Works out perfect for us, but may not be right for you.
BarsbaraVairgatss − It’s not about control, it’s about responsibility, but maybe your spouse feels a bit more freedom is needed. A balance between transparency and trust might help avoid future conflicts
Ok_Bit1981 − You should’ve brought this to an accountant, not the internet. You’re gonna hear “you’re financially a**sive,” or “it’s their money;” all the while, strangers on the internet have no clue the context of these struggles.
Having a professional help guide BOTH of you, will ultimately help find balance in how you both deal with the relationship financially. This then becomes a productive conversation about how you both spend and create a mutual, respectful boundary about how you BOTH spend.
You have the means, and that’s great; but neither of you are on the same page about how to navigate spending and the priorities you BOTH should be concerned about. ESH.. there are resources to help come to a better understanding.
GlorySeason777 − YTA. Everyone deserves to have some level of financial privacy without having to justify every single expenditure. EVERY person deserves enough financial autonomy to escape a bad relationship, if need be.
The very fact that they made a couple of “unapproved” expenditures and you felt the need to post on Reddit about it is a MASSIVE RED FLAG. Do they even have access to their own money at all or does it have to go through you? They shouldn’t have to use a credit card if they have their own separate bank account.
Time-Improvement6653 − Does your spouse also have an income? Because they absolutely have the right to some of their own money if they do. If a credit card was fraudulently taken oot in your name, that’s not okay.
If they’ve gotten a credit card on their own, but it’s all your money that’s paying for it, that’s also not okay. But if your spouse has an income and is paying for it, then…
Lunasea4 − esh He has he right to some privacy yes. I also see where his bad habits and having you fix it in the past makes you want to watch out for it. My wife and I do the 3 account system. Our money, her money and my money.
We can do whatever we want with our own money, but the family money is a joint decision. He’s saying he’s not happy with how it is now. So time for you find a new system that works for both of you.
Do you think the user is being too controlling by wanting full visibility over family finances, or is it a reasonable request given the responsibilities they’ve taken on? Share your thoughts and advice below!