AITAH for asking my partner to not eat peanuts because I am allergic?
A woman with a peanut allergy has been dealing with recurring allergic reactions due to her boyfriend’s love of peanut butter, despite her requests for him to take precautions.
Recently, after feeling cared for by his family on vacation (where they avoided peanuts for her safety), she asked him to stop eating peanut products altogether, both at home and at work.
He became upset, claiming it was an unreasonable request, and they haven’t spoken much since. Now, she’s wondering if asking him to prioritize her safety over his love for peanut butter makes her the bad guy.
‘ AITAH for asking my partner to not eat peanuts because I am allergic?’
My partner and I have been together for almost two years now and recently moved in together. My boyfriend loves peanut butter sandwiches and eats them almost daily. He found out about my allergy early on and continued anyways, I told him I guess it was okay as long as he remembers to brush his teeth, drink lots of water and wait hours afterwards to kiss me.
We’ve had at least ten experiences where after kissing, my throat starts to get itchy and my lips start to swell because he forgot to brush his teeth and rinse like I asked him to. We’ve also had experiences where he has kissed my neck or body and I get rashy hives where his lips have touched.
This has always bothered me as everyone I’ve ever dated who knew about my allergy has decided to give up eating them altogether as a precaution, but early on in this relationship when it was mentioned he said he loves it so much he doesn’t think he could ever stop. It has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been scared of his reaction if I asked him to avoid them for me.
We recently went on vacation with his family and they made such an effort to make sure that there were no peanuts around to keep me safe, it made me feel special and cared for. When we got home I saw him making two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for himself to take to work that day and made a comment about how much peanut butter he eats.
He said, “you see that I put the jelly on first to not contaminate it right?” I told him that it’s still in the house and he still uses our shared utensils to spread it. He said, “Until you specifically tell me to not bring peanut butter in the house, I’m gonna keep eating it”.
Later when I was driving him to work, I told him that it really does make me uncomfortable that it’s even in the house because we’ve had so many situations where he forgets to take the precautions to keep me safe. He said that I don’t trust him, and I told him it’s not about that, but there have been times where I’m affected by it.
He was very angry and yelling and told me that he would take it out of the house but would continue to eat it at work. I told him that still scares me because it’s still in his saliva and he doesn’t always remember to clean properly.
I’m not sure if this is possible but sometimes even his sweat makes me feel itchy because I think there is so much in his system. He told me that asking him to stop eating peanuts entirely is too much an ask and that I should be happy that it won’t be in the house anymore.
The conversation left off there and we haven’t spoken much since. He’s acting angry with me and I just feel sad. It feels like my safety means less to him than his love for eating this food, but is that too big an ask? AITAH?
Edit/Update:
I left the a**shole. It turns out he had been cheating on me for the past six months or so. Thank you all for your perception as I was blinded by love and should probably be single for awhile now while I reassess my self worth and boundaries.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
UnhappyTemperature18 ( Top 1 ) says
“AITA for asking my boyfriend not to kill me?” No. NTA. He doesn’t care enough about you to take this seriously, and it could kill you. Please break up with him right now.
Edited to add: get an epipen. Second edit: thank you for the award, kind stranger!
Lurker_the_Pip ( Top 2 ) says
I am allergic to gluten. I won’t die. All of my boyfriends were so super cautious and kept it away from me. One made me a special no gluten contact wood cutting board and carved into it “No gluten.” Your guy valued peanut butter over your life. I hope you carry an EPI pen. NTA unless you stay until he puts you in the hospital.
SkippySkep ( Top 3 ) says
>”He said that I don’t trust him, and I told him it’s not about that”
Except it is. Because he’s proven himself not to be trustworthy.
ApprehensiveCrow4910 ( Top 4 ) says
Nta.. He obviously doesn’t care about you that much. I get that he loves them, but then he needs to take proper precautions when you’re around and he does not do so. He needs to decide if he values peanuts or his relationship more. Since he basically doesn’t care if you die. How old are we? He doesn’t sound very grown..
SeniorWoman ( Top 5 ) says
NTA, how his family treated you is the right way, how he treats you is the wrong way. I wonder if his love of peanut butter is simply a control act, “You don’t tell me what to eat, I’ll eat what I want, and not only that I’m going to eat even MORE peanut butter.”
Think of it this way, if the situation were reversed and he had the peanut allergy, would you act like he does? Therein lays your answer, you deserve to GET Love and consideration in an equal amount that you give.
Motor-Juggernaut1009 ( Top 6 ) says
OMG do you really have to ask? GTFO before he kills you!
United-Plum1671 ( Top 7 ) says
NTA But why are you with someone who chooses food over you? He has continually shown you where you are as a priority and it’s not at the top.
And it’s really concerning that you have never asked him to avoid the food because you’ve been scared of his reaction.
Rhuthbarb ( Top 8 ) says
NTA If you stay and have kids who are allergic, will you feel comfortable with him in the house?If your kids are not allergic, do you think he’ll teach them to be careful so that they don’t accidentally kill you?Also, you don’t trust him. He’s not trustworthy.
[deleted] ( Top 9 ) says
Nta – so hold on, you tell him about this severe allergy, and his response is … nothing. He later says he unless you tell him to stop bringing it into the house, he’s going to continue. Then even later says it’s too much to ask him to stop entirely and just be happy it’s not in the house.
Okay, this guy either doesn’t care, doesn’t believe it’s serious and won’t believe unless/until you end up hospitalized for this issue. Why are you still with him? He doesn’t care, doesn’t value your health and is kind of a d**ck.
TriZARAtops ( Top 10 ) says
NTA. Jesus, imagine loving a mediocre food more than your partner.I have a penicillin allergy, my husband does not. When he gets prescribed an antibiotic for an illness he will tell the doctor to give him anything except penicillin or a penicillin derivative (like amoxicillin), because having it in the house or in his system endangers me.
**My husband changes his *medications* for me, and yours won’t even change his f**cking *lunch* for you.**
Is it unreasonable to ask for extra caution when health is on the line, or does he have a right to keep enjoying his favorite food? What would you do in this situation? Share your thoughts in the comments!