AITAH for asking a woman to quit touching me?

A Reddit user recently shared his unsettling experience at a local bar where he felt uncomfortable after repeated, unwanted physical contact from a fellow patron. When he firmly asked her to stop, he was met with criticism from other bar-goers and even the bartender. Now, he’s questioning whether he was wrong for standing up for his personal boundaries.

‘ AITAH for asking a woman to quit touching me?’

Recently, I (34M) visited my local bar/restaurant, where I’ve been going about once every two weeks for dinner and drinks over the past two years. While I’m not a regular, the staff and some patrons recognize me and often come to chat. I’m not the best-looking guy, but I work hard at the gym and take care of myself.

On my last visit, I was sitting alone at the bar, engrossed in my phone, when a woman (early 40s) sat down beside me. Initially, I didn’t pay much attention to her until she asked if I was going to talk to her or just stare at my phone all night. I was caught off guard and apologized, explaining I didn’t realize she wanted to chat.

She then asked me to buy her a drink, which I declined because I have a fiancé and told her that would be inappropriate . After walking away, she returned and started rubbing my shoulders. I pulled away and asked what she was doing. She claimed I looked tense and was just trying to help. I brushed it off, thinking she might have had a few drinks.

However, she continued to touch my arms and even my beard while getting close to my face. I politely asked her to stop, emphasizing that it made me uncomfortable, especially considering I have a fiancé. She apologized and said she would stop, but about 20 minutes later, she came back and grabbed my upper thigh, while trying to move her hand to my privates.

In response, I scooted my seat back and said, somewhat loudly to ensure the bartender heard, “I asked you nicely to please not touch me. So quit touching me.” I didn’t mean to sound aggressive, just firm. After that, I decided to cash out and leave.

A couple of weeks later, I returned for my usual dinner and drinks. As soon as I walked in, the “regulars” fell silent. The bartender was short with me and slid the menu my way without saying a word. I thought he was just having a bad night.

Then, a gentleman approached me and said it was messed up how I treated the woman weeks before. I was shocked and asked him to clarify. He said I shouldn’t have raised my voice at her for “accidentally brushing up against my arm.”

I tried to explain my side, but it felt like no one was listening. I noticed the atmosphere had shifted, and I felt completely iced out at my favorite spot. As I left, I overheard a couple of people muttering “a**hole” and “scumbag.”
Now I’m wondering: Am I the a**hole in this situation? I don’t think I can go back after this, and I really don’t understand what I did wrong.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

AggressiveLemon4249 −  NTA at all you did the right thing. Unfortunately you probably need to find somewhere else to drink as she definitely made up a few lies as soon as you were gone to turn herself into the victim.

Silent_Cash_E −  Nta. S**ual a**ault is a crime. 

Grangerscat −  Of course you’re not the AH. She should’ve respected your no and stopped when you told her no the first time. I’m sorry that you had to raise your voice to get heard. That shouldn’t be required. Either she’s been telling lies to the staff or they are just a bunt of AH.

Sasmonite −  What a s**tty bar.

dirt_girl75 −  I’m a woman, late 40s. I’m a touchy person but not with people I don’t know. I certainly wouldn’t randomly start rubbing a stranger’s shoulders and tell them they looked tense. That’s weird.

If the situation was reversed, you, the man, would mostly certainly would have been escorted from the premises. You’re not the arsehole. You politely asked her to stop, setting clear boundaries, and that should have been enough.

Unfortunately, some people lie to cover embarrassment or make themselves look better, and that is an insult to true victims of a**ault and harassment. I’m sorry this happened to you and that you’ve had to go somewhere else to eat and relax.

DarkenedVeil00 −  Nta It’s clear that the woman was making you uncomfortable and crossing boundaries. You have every right to politely ask someone to stop touching you.

Silent-Confusion2941 −  Nta. Personally, I would leave a review online exposing this woman (and the staff as well for not letting you clarify the situation).. Bunch of hypocrites.

SimpleAppeal2577 −  NTA. People should keep their hands to themselves, especially after being told to stop.

Alarming_Reply_6286 −  Where was the bartender while the random woman was grabbing & groping you? Why didn’t you let them know you were be bothered by another customer? Why didn’t you talk to the bartender when he was taking your order?

It appears there is confusion & a misunderstanding about the situation. If they are not listening & are going to continue to be rude to you, you may want to find another place to eat.

Yossarian904 −  NTA, I’ve been there. Everyone – all genders – should be held accountable for their behavior – no means no. In my twenties, in a bar on Halloween, I had a girl repeatedly try to touch/grope me, after multiple polite, but firm requests that she stop I ended up yelling “I said f**k off!”

To which she called me a “faggot.” I guess because not wanting to be harassed by a woman made me gay? Luckily in my situation, I was a “regular,” and the bartenders knew me to be generally nice and mild mannered, so they had my back and had the offending woman removed.