AITAH Changing my daughters last name ?

A mother (33F) is considering changing her daughter’s last name back to her maiden name after giving the child her partner’s last name under pressure. Despite having discussed marriage, her partner (36M) has not acted on these plans, leading to feelings of frustration and neglect.

The mother has filed a petition for the name change without her partner’s consent and has hired an attorney. Her partner is unhappy about the decision, insisting they will eventually get married. Read the original story below…

‘ AITAH Changing my daughters last name ?’

I(33F) and my partner(36M) have been together for 2 years and 6 months. Our relationship moved very quickly. Shortly after we started dating he asked me to move in with him and then proposed to me. About a year into our relationship we found out we were expecting a little girl.

Prior to finding out we were pregnant we had discussed getting married and i tried to make plans but we never followed through with them. I have done all of the work and told him that he just needs to set aside the time for us to go and actually get married. I have not asked for a wedding or anything extravagant.

When i found out i was pregnant i told him that i wanted to get married and that it was important to me to have the same last name as my child. He kept putting it off and i finally told him i would stop asking and that he knew what i wanted and the ball was in his court now.

Fast forward 6 months later, Right before i had my daughter i confronted him about it again and he stated that he never acted on marriage because he just simply had not had the time away from work. He owns his own business and does work long hours. This hurt my feelings because it felt like he was prioritizing his job over me.

I had our daughter and due to pressure from him i gave her his last name. I regret this deeply now. We still haven’t gotten married and this has become a sore subject for us. Every-time the conversation is brought up i get very angry and want to call the whole relationship off.

I feel like he doesn’t want to marry me and that my wants and desires are not important to him. He still has not made any moves to actually get married but swears up and down that he wants to. Recently i have filed a petition to change my daughters last name to my maiden name and he is not happy about this.

He refuses to sign the petition and just keeps repeating that there is no need to do that since we are eventually going to get married. I have hired an attorney that he doesn’t know about to fight this in court. AITAH?

EDIT: Editing post to add, he is a great father to our daughter and an amazing partner. Other than the marriage thing we have a good relationship. Changing my daughters last name has nothing to do with using her to get the marriage i want and everything to do with simply just wanting what i always have which is the same last name as my child.

So if he wont get married and make our family whole then i feel like my next step would be to take matters into my own hands and give her my last name. He is obviously not a fan of this but you cant have your cake and eat it too.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

fancyandfab −  YTA to yourself. This was classic love bombing and future faking. It sounds like marriage is important to you. Before you have anymore kids, be married first, if you plan on having more. He’s already getting all the benefits of being married AND you made him immortal by bearing his child. He has zero incentive to marry you.

This was a valuable lesson. But, change the baby’s name and be prepared to be a single mom. This relationship is over. Every place has the equivalent of a courthouse marriage. He doesn’t need to take time off work. If you insist on staying make sure your BC is on lock. The more babies you have, the harder it is to leave

Independent_Prior612 −  I mean honestly, either way on the kid’s name. Do what you think is best.. However. Since you have decided to go Nuclear Option on the name, I think you need to end the relationship and get yourself and your daughter out of the house.

Whether changing her name is right or wrong, this relationship doesn’t come back from this. Especially given you are hiding your lawyer from him. And don’t just leave it at changing her name. Get custody and child support put in place.

StAlvis −  ESH. When i found out i was pregnant i told him that i wanted to get married and that it was important to me to have the same last name as my child. He called your bluff. And you still had the kid. I feel like he doesn’t want to marry me and that my wants and desires are not important to him.. That’s right.

Sad-Currency-3235 −  YTA for staying in this relationship. Only you can make you wait. He is not the one making you wait, you are. He clearly does not want the same thing you do.

Lithogiraffe −  ESH. JUST HYPHENATE IT. I get that you want the same last name as your child, but so does he. And you admit he’s a great involved dad. you are taking your own personal view on this because you’re angry. Let your daughter have equal representation unless you can tell me, *from your daughter’s point of view*, why she can’t have both.

Affectionate-Ad3666 −  Not understanding all the YTA comments here. To me it sounds like OP is getting dragged along. Everyone assuming that she had the child to trick him into marrying her – no idea where that cynical read is coming from.

OP, I’d be honest with him that you’re getting an attorney involved. But you deserve someone who is going to commit to both you and your daughter – not string you along. You clearly aren’t his priority.

lokilady1 −  He doesn’t want to marry you. Get out

almalauha −  ESH. You care about marriage (good for you) yet decided to stay with a man who seems to be dragging his heels (sorry but how much time does it take to get legally married, just the bare-bones legal thing where you both turn up and sign some documents at the court house or town hall)?

If the does not have 2 h to spare for this, then he has no time for a relationship nor for a child. But why did you have a child with someone you clearly don’t know that well?!?!

saintandvillian −  YTA. If you truly wanted to have the same name as your kid you would have given your child your last name and changed the name after you were married. You are obviously fine with filing paperwork to change her name. Doing so now seems petty and like you are weaponizing your child.

Maybe if you were leaving your partner and changing the name it would make more sense. Now you just seem to be firing in the dark to get your partner to want to marry you. I will say that I agree with you that he doesn’t want to get married to you.

He needs to be honest and you need to stop trying to force a man who doesn’t want to marry you to do so. You two sound a bit t**ic. At the very least your goals aren’t in alignment.

Reasonable-Ad-3605 −  YTA. You’re 100% weaponizing your kid. What sort of co-parenting are you trying to set up here?

Is she justified in wanting to change her daughter’s last name, or should she wait for her partner to take action? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!