AITAH because I didn’t invite my father to my wedding because years ago he told me I was no longer part of his family.
Walking down the aisle is a moment many of us imagine with a loving father figure at our side, beaming with pride. Yet for some, the path leading up to that day is filled with old wounds and emotional battles. Our storyteller found herself in exactly this predicament when her biological father—absent and even hostile during her teenage years—resurfaced with an apology and a bold wish to be part of her big day.
Far from a simple reconciliation, this situation stirs up a complex blend of betrayal, unresolved hurts, and the protective instincts of an adult finally standing her ground. As she plans her wedding, she wonders if she’s obligated to accept her father’s remorse. Let’s step into her world, where the lines between forgiveness and self-preservation are tested to the core.
‘AITAH because I didn’t invite my father to my wedding because years ago he told me I was no longer part of his family.’
I’m 28F and will be getting married next month. I didn’t invite my father to the wedding, but now he’s trying to get in touch. I think I need to explain the context, because it all started when I was 6 years old, when my parents got divorced after my dad cheated on my mom with my stepmother. After that, I spent most of my time with my mom, but during holidays and vacations, I stayed with my dad.
When I was 8, my half-brother Jake (20M) was born, and whenever I was with my dad, I was forced to take care of him. When I started high school, I had to move in with my dad because my mom had to move abroad for work. This period was one of the hardest of my life. My stepmother wasn’t a bad person; she tried to include me in things, but she was very submissive to my father. As for my dad, he always treated me like an “extra” in the house, someone who didn’t really belong there.
I was constantly responsible for taking care of Jake, and whenever he went out, he would only take my stepmother and Jake, never inviting me. One of the most painful experiences happened when I was 14. My dad announced that the whole family was going to Disney for vacation, but the day before the trip, he told me that he wanted it to be a “family moment,” their first big trip with Jake. So, I was left home alone.
This had already become a pattern—trips to the beach, zoos, or other outings always included just my stepmother and Jake while I was left behind. My dad didn’t like me going out with friends or inviting them over. He said, “teenagers together only cause trouble,” and because he was controlling, he would call the house phone at random times to check if I was home. He also had a trusted neighbor who would keep an eye on me to make sure I didn’t have any visitors.
When I turned 16, living with him, the feeling of being an “extra” only got worse. Everything I had experienced during vacations—the exclusion and sense of abandonment became part of my daily life. Things came to a head when I turned 18. My dad got a promotion at work and decided to take a “family” trip to Europe. Since it was my last year of high school, I was excited, thinking I’d finally be included.
But then he told me he didn’t have enough money for a trip for four, so it would just be to celebrate Jake’s 10th birthday. I had to stay home. That’s when I snapped. I told him he was being unfair and that he shouldn’t have given me false hope. I explained how I’d felt over the past years, and he called me ungrateful and spoiled, saying that I lived with him rent-free (which was a lie since my mom sent money to support me and I did all the housework because both he and my stepmother worked late).
The argument escalated, and he kicked me out of the house, saying I was no longer part of the family and not even his daughter. He literally threw me out and tossed my things onto the sidewalk. Luckily, a friend lived nearby, and I stayed at her place that night. The next day, I went back to see if my dad had calmed down, but I found my things still on the sidewalk, and some even in the trash. My stepmother had kindly saved a few items for me and handed them over.
After that, my dad never reached out, except to call and yell at me a month later when my mom stopped sending him money for my expenses. A few months later, I got into an engineering program in another state, where I met my now-fiancé, Mark (29M). He was a senior, and we soon connected, realizing we had a lot in common. We started dating, graduated, and now work in the same field, though at different companies.
A few months ago, Mark proposed, and I happily said yes. I have social media, but I rarely use it—I’ve had Instagram for about six years but haven’t even posted 10 pictures. I think one of my relatives must have told my dad about the wedding because, about a month after I accepted the proposal, he reached out to me through Instagram, saying he was excited to help with the wedding.
I was surprised, both that he had messaged me and that he genuinely thought he would walk me down the aisle. I responded, saying he wouldn’t be walking me down the aisle because my stepfather would, and that the wedding would be small, just for my close family. After that, I blocked him. After blocking him (and inspired by reading Reddit stories), I expected calls, messages, and even letters full of insults like “ungrateful” or “spoiled.”
However, the only thing I received was a letter delivered by Jake (yes, we still have contact). In the letter, my father expressed how sorry he was. I won’t copy the exact words, but to summarize: he said that after kicking me out, he lived a normal life with my stepmother and Jake. But when he saw pictures of my graduation with my mom and stepfather, he started feeling regret. He wanted to talk to me, but his pride held him back.
He only decided to reach out now because he realized that his pride got him nowhere and that he wanted to fulfill one of the plans he made when I was born: to pay for my wedding and walk me down the aisle. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I’ve moved on with my life, and his attempt at redemption after so many years feels a bit too convenient. AITA for not wanting to include my dad in my wedding despite his apology?
Note: My stepfather is an amazing person; he always goes out of his way to include me in everything, and my stepsisters are wonderful as well. When he found out that my father hadn’t taken me to Disney, he planned a trip for the next holiday and took me, along with my mother and sisters. This and a thousand other reasons why I want to walk down the aisle with him.
Edit 1: People are asking why my mom and stepfather left me with my dad and what their jobs are. My mom works as a programmer and managed to get a job abroad. She thought it was best to accept it, especially since she wanted to save up a good amount of money to cover college expenses and for the future. My stepfather is a researcher and was doing his postdoctoral work at the time.
The first person to talk to me was my older sister (stepsister). Two days after I was kicked out, she came to see me and even stayed for a few days (which I can barely remember because I was just crying). But I didn’t move in with her because she lives in another state, and I was almost done with classes and final exams. So, my friend (and bridesmaid) let me stay at her house. Her parents helped me gather my things and even set up the guest room for me.
Expert Opinion
1. The Lingering Echoes of Childhood
“Long-term family conflict can often leave deeper scars than many realize,” observes Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute (source). For a child, consistent exclusion and neglect from a parent create strong emotional imprints, impacting self-esteem and trust in future relationships. In this case, the bride’s father repeatedly made her feel like she didn’t belong, turning what should have been a regular family life into an endless cycle of heartbreak. It’s no surprise that his sudden attempt to reconcile stirs up painful memories.
2. The Complexity of Estrangement
Reconciling with an estranged parent isn’t a simple “yes” or “no” choice. Parents and children alike must grapple with the reality that love alone doesn’t fix years of unresolved hurt. According to a 2021 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family (source), true reconciliation requires sustained willingness to change, transparent communication, and tangible gestures of accountability. A one-time apology might be a start, but a rocky past can’t be erased with words alone.
3. Protective Instincts vs. Pressure
Family expectations—and sometimes cultural norms—can pressure individuals to forgive and “move on” for the sake of harmony. But mental health experts suggest it’s equally important to honor personal boundaries. Dr. Gottman mentions that healing begins when the person hurt feels safe to express their pain without fear of dismissal. In this scenario, the bride is justified in questioning her father’s motives; if his remorse arises only because of her wedding, she has every right to protect her emotional well-being.
4. Balancing Guilt and Self-Care
Finally, it’s crucial to acknowledge that one can forgive while still choosing not to embrace a past abuser or neglectful parent. Seeking peace doesn’t automatically mean welcoming toxic influences back with open arms. A healthy approach might involve low-contact or no-contact boundaries, especially when vulnerable events like weddings loom. In the end, each step toward—or away from—reconciliation should be guided by self-care and emotional safety rather than guilt or external pressures.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Community Opinions
Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community—candid, heartfelt, and sometimes lighthearted:
phyrsis − NTA. Your sperm donor gets to live with the consequences of his own actions.
Turmeric_Ping − NTA. Your bio father’s regrets are his problem, not yours. Your ***real*** father, your stepfather, the man who treated you as a father should, is the one who should walk you down the aisle. That other guy is just a bad memory to put behind you.
cutie_Kasey − You’re absolutely not the a**hole. Your dad made his choices and completely shut you out for years, treating you like an outsider in his own family. Now that he wants to play the ‘dad’ card because you’re getting married, it feels more like a convenient afterthought than genuine remorse.
You’ve built a loving and supportive family with your mom and stepfather, who actually care about you. It’s totally valid to want them by your side on such a significant day. Your happiness matters, and you deserve to celebrate with those who truly appreciate you.
410Writer − Girl, you are *not* the a**hole. Let’s get that clear right now. Your dad didn’t just mess up once….he repeatedly made you feel like an outsider in your own family for *years*. You don’t owe him anything, not even an invite to your wedding. It’s convenient that he’s suddenly feeling all “sorry” now that there’s a big life event, but where was that energy when he was kicking you out or leaving you behind on all those “family” trips? Yeah, nah.
Also, your stepdad stepped up for you in ways your biological dad never did. He earned that spot by being there, by showing up for you when it mattered. Letting him walk you down the aisle is *your* choice, and it’s based on who actually treated you like family. So, no guilt here. Your dad’s regret is his own to live with…don’t let him throw that burden on you.
CAAugirl − Tell him that he can walk you down the aisle and pay for your wedding when he takes your 14 year old self to Disneyland, when he takes your 18 year old self to Europe, when he takes your younger self to all the little vacations and holidays you were denied. And tell him that when he can go back in time not kick you out of his house and toss your stuff in the trash, then you’ll gladly welcome him with open arms.
Until then, he’s not your father. He didn’t want the title when you were a kid. You can forgive him but that doesn’t mean you have to let him back into your life. Maybe his remorse will make him a better man to any granddaughters his son might have.
mak_zaddy − Let’s be real, your sperm donor’s dream of paying for your wedding is for his pride and a way to absolve him of any guilt because “look he paid for your wedding!” and walking you down the aisle is for him and not you. Your stepfather sounds like the perfect person to walk you down the aisle because he was and still is your dad.. ETA: absolutely NTA
VoidOfIce − NTA. Don’t let toxic people back into your life. Even if they claim that they have changed that curtain pretty quickly gets pulled away. He had every opportunity to reach out for 10+ years and he is only doing it now that he will be missing out on something that would make him look good to others.
catcon13 − Honestly, if a relative saw your engagement news and told him about it, he’s probably only reaching out because he knows he looks like a complete loser of a human being. He wants to save face within his circle of family and friends by pretending he’s involved in your life and he’s the great guy who is paying for your wedding and walking you down the aisle.
This isn’t about you or for you. It’s solely about HIM and him saving face. If any relatives reach out, tell them the truth about what kind of father he’s been to you and why you’ll never allow him in your life. You are so lucky that you have a stepfather who has treated you well. He will probably be very proud to walk you down the aisle.
Make sure to post lots of pics of your happy wedding on social media where his family will see them. 😉😉 Especially pics of your stepfather walking you down the aisle. You want to make sure your father gets to see the consequences of his actions.
New-Number-7810 − NTA. The way your speed-donor treated you was vile, and he does not deserve a second chance. He’s only reaching out now because of his pride – he wants an honor reserved for fathers, even though he didn’t act as one. “My stepmother wasn’t a bad person” She was a bad person.
She slept with a married man, remarried to him after she helped blow up his first marriage, and turned a blind eye while he abused his daughter for years. “My stepfather is an amazing person” You should ask him if he’d be willing to adopt you.
Both_Variety5842 − NTA. He just wants to satisfy his ego. He feels that he is entitled to the role of father of the bride. If he cared so much about you he wouldn’t have approach you like that, just assuming that he was going to be part of it.
Don’t let him back into your life, it will not add anything positive to it. Do you really want your future children (if you want to have kids) to be treated as less important than the children your brother is going to have? You don’t just say to your child that they are no longer yours and expect to have no consequences.
In these quick snapshots, the internet wastes no words in voicing strong opinions on whether or not the bride’s father deserves a second chance at such a major life milestone.
When years of neglect and broken trust collide with last-minute apologies, it’s understandable for the wounded party to tread carefully. For this bride-to-be, standing firm in her boundaries might be the ultimate way to heal. Reconciliation, if it ever comes, doesn’t have to be rushed—and she has the right to protect her heart on her big day.
What would you do if you were in her shoes? Share your personal stories, perspectives, or words of wisdom in the comments. Let’s keep the conversation going and explore what true reconciliation really means!