AITA- Wont be home for Christmas ?

OP and their wife have three young children and live far from OP’s family. They have made an effort to visit every Christmas, but this year, due to recent trips, illness, and financial constraints, they are unable to make it home for Christmas. OP informed their family of the situation, but the response was hurtful.

They were criticized for poor planning, and their mother even offered to loan them money for the trip, which OP declined due to other financial concerns. OP’s brother also expressed disappointment, claiming it was an impulsive decision. read the original story below…

‘ AITA- Wont be home for Christmas ?’

My wife and I have 3 young children. One is under 1 year. We have lived on the opposite coast from my family for the duration of my marriage and children-having years. We have made the effort to fly ourselves and children home every Christmas except one where my wife had just had our second (during Covid).

We also usually come at least one other time a year. We have room to host family and friends in our home, and have always welcomed all guests. This year we have been home 5 times for various reasons – funerals, Easter, weddings, etc.

We were home within the last month, and I got sick with some kind of virus and my kids got it from me when we returned home. We are just now starting to feel better. Additionally, money is tight this year (because of my job and wife taking maternity leave for our third).

Tickets to fly home were more than both of us currently have in our bank accounts. We have not taken a vacation this year – only flown home for the 5 trips. I told my family that we were not going to be able to make it home this year, and that we were sorry.

I was already very sad about the situation and embarrassed that my finances couldn’t cover the trip. But I knew we had already been many times this year to visit. The response was hurtful.

I was told this was poor planning on my part, and that I should have skipped an earlier visit instead, that my mother puts a big effort in the holiday, and it wasn’t fair to change the plan this late in the year. My Mother offered to loan me the money to fly,

but I told her that I still have not even bought any gifts for my kids or wife, and that we already have accrued some credit card debt this year. My brother also doubled down and said this was an impulsive decision, and that from an outsiders perspective,

we seem like we have enough money, and that this was news to them. I am really angry and am struggling with what to do. AITA?

Check out how the community responded:

OhmsWay-71 −  NTA. You don’t go, and you let them be mad. They don’t have to suffer the consequences of you going. They don’t have to pay back money they don’t even have for a trip they don’t really want to go on. You will be missed, but nothing bad will happen.

Agree with them. Tell them it was poor planning on your part. Then make sure that you don’t go all year, and that way you can afford to go next Christmas. You have an excellent reason to say no all year long.

alien_overlord_1001 −  NTA You don’t have to justify yourselves – if your finances won’t stretch this year, then that is the end of it. Xmas shouldn’t be about getting into debt and making the new year depressing.

I’m sure your mother does put in a lot of effort for the holidays – but ask her where she used to go before she was your mother? Was there someone who always ‘did christmas’? When did it move to her to be the host?

Remind her that she was in your place once – a young family, making your own family things – I’m sure she disappointed someone at some time around not going to some event. As we grow older, have our own families etc, things change – traditions end and begin. Things can’t stay the same way forever.

CrinklyPacket −  NTA. Your home is on the opposite coast. You don’t have the money. That’s the reality. Just because they don’t understand or believe it, doesn’t make it less true. Have a good holiday at home with your family and don’t feel guilty. You’ve been there five other times this year. How often have they been out to see you?

srdnss −  NTA you will be home for Christmas. Your home. With your family. If your parents and sibs can’t understand that, so be it.

toosheeptheorist −  NTA – you have your own family: your wife and three children. You;ve already made MORE than enough trips home to visit your extended family, in addition to not being able to afford the trip. Stay home, enjoy the time with the wife & kids.

Your mom, although possibly well meaning, should accept your answer for not accepting the loan of the money to fly there, and your brother is just sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong. Just because it LOOKS like someone is affluent, does not mean that they are.

oyadancing −  NTA. You just returned from visiting. To put so much weight on a single day is bizarre to me, especially since travel is also so much more expensive during the holidays.

Yes, tomorrow’s not guaranteed, but if the fates allow, you with your spouse and littles can visit another time. You guys can ZOOM/Teams/video visit on the day if you all want to see each other.

Emotional_Fan_7011 −  NTA. Don’t go. And stop going so much! Stop stretching your finances to make these ungrateful people happy. Tell them they can come see you instead.

That it is way too hard to fly with small children and you are done doing it, especially during the holidays when illnesses are all over. It isn’t worth your health or the health of your children.. Put your family on a time out.

elsie78 −  NTA. Stay home and have a nice Christmas with your kids waking up in their own home.

bamf1701 −  NTA. I can understand if your family was sad or disappointed if you couldn’t make it home, but their reaction seems selfish and unwarranted. You have 3 young children – flying across the country is no simple task for you. Skipping a year or two isn’t going to hurt anyone.

Even if you have enough money – it is none of their business why you decide to skip it this year (and your finances are none of their business either). They don’t have a right to be second guessing your family’s life choices when the don’t have all the information that you have. As a child, my family always spent Christmas at home, never traveled.

As an adult, I found out that, when they started having kids, my parents told both sides of the family that they weren’t doing the family travel thing on Christmas because they didn’t want the hassle of figuring out which side of the family gets the holiday this year, the hurt feelings of the side that didn’t, and the hassle of travel. As a result, we always had a relaxing, fun Christmas.

CommonRemarkable5529 −  NTA. Your home is with your wife and children. That’s your home now.

Was OP wrong to decide not to travel home for Christmas this year given their financial situation and previous visits? Or are they being unreasonable by not accepting their family’s offer to help? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!