AITA to telling my gf that we should break up if she wants to kick my niece out?

A Redditor stepped up to raise their 14-year-old niece after the tragic passing of their brother, who was the girl’s primary caregiver. The Redditor’s girlfriend has expressed discomfort with the niece living with them, claiming that the situation is “messing with their love life” and that she doesn’t want the responsibility of caring for a teenager.

The Redditor defended the niece, explaining the trauma she’s enduring and emphasizing their close bond, built over years of helping raise her alongside the brother. After a heated conversation, the Redditor suggested breaking up if the girlfriend couldn’t show empathy or accept the arrangement, which has caused tension in their relationship. Now, the Redditor wonders if they handled the situation poorly or if their stance is justified.

‘ AITA to telling my gf that we should break up if she wants to kick my niece out?’

The article has the next update at the end.

My brother died to car accident 2 months ago, after he died I took responsibility of his daughter but for some reasons my gf doesn’t like it. For some backstory, My brother and I both raised my niece together, he had her when he was only 17 and I was 19 back then, her mom left both her daughter (now 14) and my brother and basically just disappeared, I think she was 23 or 24, anyway my brother took responsibility of his child and I helped him raise her, my brother would often joke about that she’s OUR daughter, god damm I miss him so much.

I spoiled her alot, my brother restricted her, he didn’t let her eat chocolates or buy her games, but she would always come to her uncle and I would spoil her, I miss those days. Anyway after my brother died I took my niece under my care, I am still going through legal guardianship paper works but yeah I am going to raise her.

Problem for me is that my gf told me yesterday she doesn’t like that my niece is living with us, she said she doesn’t want to responsible for a 14 year old and she is ‘messing with our love life’. I asked her what she meant by that, my gf said she’s been sleeping in our bed, I said that is a normal grieving process for a child who lost her only parent, there is nothing wrong with her hugging me or finding comfort in me.

She said she doesn’t want her to sleep with us, I said it’s only been 2 months, give her some time, if rubbing her back or massaging her head helps her fall asleep instead of crying then that is good for her. What would she say if we had a daughter and focused on comforting our daughter instead of focusing on you? She said that would be different because she would be our daughter.

I got angry and said that if she doesn’t like my niece staying with me until she finds her peace then we should break up, I told her currently I am her safe place and she’s practically my daughter, I raised her, I share blood with her and NOW she needs me. My gf started crying, I comforted her and said I am sorry for being so direct but I found what she said a bit offensive and rude, to help her I will hire a maid but please give her some time and show empathy towards a child.

My gf has been angry at me since yesterday, she only talks to me when I talk to her and she’s completely ignoring my niece and my niece is asking me if she said something wrong to my gf, I said she’s just stressed. But I am wondering why my gf is reacting like this? Did I offend her? I don’t really want to break up with her but if I have to choose between them I will choose to help my niece for now.

Update here: https://aita.pics/jArwK

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

ProfPlumDidIt −  Honestly, there is no saving the relationship. Even if gf backs down and “accepts” your niece to your face, she will make your niece feel unwelcome and unwanted when you aren’t around. From this point forward your gf shouldn’t be trusted alone with your niece.

JellicoAlpha_3_1 −  OP, the sad reality is that your girlfriend just told you that she doesn’t want this life. And that is going to make her resent your niece (who is now your daughter). Which will lead to her treating your daughter like s**t…and I mean, she already is treating her like s**t.. It’s time to accept reality.

Your girlfriend does not want to help raise your daughter (again, its time to start seeing her as your daughter because you are a single dad now). She’s not all in….which means you have to be all out. Your daughter comes first. Now and forever.. It’s time you accepted that. NTAH. YWBTAH if you continued this relationship though.

ConvivialKat −  My condolences on the loss of your brother. I am glad your niece has you.. As far as your post, well… She said she doesn’t want to responsible for a 14 year old and she is ‘messing with our love life’. I asked her what she meant by that, my gf said she’s been sleeping in our bed, I said that is a normal grieving process for a child who lost her only parent, there is nothing wrong with her hugging me or finding comfort in me.. You have two issues here.

1. Your GF did not, in any way, date you or move in with you with the understanding that she would be expected to become a de facto mom to a 14 year old girl. This whole change is as much of a shock to her as it is to you. Yes, you want to raise your niece. You love her. But to expect that your GF is just going to be okay with becoming mom to a teenager, without even being asked, is very unrealistic. She said she doesn’t want her to sleep with us, I said it’s only been 2 months, give her some time, if rubbing her back or massaging her head helps her fall asleep instead of crying then that is good for her.

2. Here, again, you are expecting your GF to just accept that a teenage girl is now sleeping in your bed. To you, she’s a kid who needs comfort. To your GF, this is a 14 year old girl that you are touching, kissing, cuddling, and sleeping with. In her bed. It would freak me out, too, honestly, even if I understood your reasoning. But I am wondering why my gf is reacting like this? Did I offend her? I don’t really want to break up with her but if I have to choose between them I will choose to help my niece for now.

I think you are grieving just as much as your niece. So much so that you are totally incapable of looking at this from your GF’s side. She’s not being evil. She’s just being human and honest. And so are you. Sometimes fate breaks things, and it can’t be helped or understood.

I think your relationship is likely irretrievably broken, but it can’t be helped. Your niece needs you and is going to need you for the rest of your life. But, be prepared that your GF will hardly be the only woman who doesn’t want to be a de facto mom to a teenage girl. You and your neice need to get into some grief counseling. And, dude, your 14 year old niece needs to be able to sleep in her own bed after two months.. NTA.

choppedliver65 −  Hiring a maid will not solve your GF’s heartless lack of compassion. She needs to be your X.. NTA unless you stay with Cruella.

merishore25 −  Unfortunately this isn’t something your GF wants. It’s reasonable for your GF to not want her in your room and you could comfort her in her room. The thing is there is much more to this. Your GF said if it was her child then that’s would be different. She clearly doesn’t have the capacity to love this child the way she needs. You are a good person by choosing your niece. It’s the absolute right thing.

CatJarmansPants −  A 14yo child who has lost her father 8 weeks ago can sleep where the f**k she likes. GF should be trebucheted into the sun for being utter dog s**t.

Quiet-Hamster6509 −  Just end the relationship. The situation has changed and it’s not one she wants.

Foreign_Fall_8266 −  Sleeping in your bed for 2 months isn’t right. Yeh, you should comfort your neice and be there for her and make her your priority, but to be physically rubbing her back, massaging her head and cuddling her in your bed every night is not healthy.

Vast-Society7340 −  OK, I agree that your niece needs a lot of concessions. I don’t know if she needs to sleep in the bed with you and your girlfriend. Personally, I would find that very awkward to be sleeping with any 14 year-old in my bed. I wonder if you could at least make the concession to have her have a little bed in the room or a cot or something because having her in the bed would make me feel weird too.

Lunarbloomm −  Like, her messing with our love life comment is just disgusting. Your niece just lost her dad, of course she needs comfort and support. The fact that your gf is making it about herself and not showing any empathy for a grieving child is a huge red flag. You absolutely did the right thing by prioritizing your niece. She needs you now more than ever.