AITA – Telling my parents to pay me back my college tuition if they want a relationship?

A Reddit user recounts her complicated family dynamic, where she was denied educational support her three brothers received because her parents believed she would stay home as a homemaker. Despite these limitations, she secretly applied to college, moved out, and pursued an engineering degree through her own hard work and debt.

Years later, now married and expecting her first child, her parents reached out to apologize and seek a fresh start. She asked them to pay her back the $100k in education expenses they gave her brothers if they truly wanted to make amends. Her parents were shocked, and her brothers have called her hurtful and immature, leaving her wondering if her reaction was justified. Read the full story below to learn more.

‘ AITA – Telling my parents to pay me back my college tuition if they want a relationship?’

I was raised by parents who believed (religiously and just culturally) in rigid gender roles. Dad should work, mom should stay home with the kids. I’m the only girl and have 3 brothers. Because of their expectation I’d stay home with kids, they never valued my education, educational achievements or emphasized things beyond domestic skills. I’m the second youngest.

By the time I was in high school, my two older brothers had gone to the college of their choice, with my parents fully covering tuition, books, an off campus apartment and other living expenses. They eventually did the same for my younger brother. I was told I wasn’t allowed to apply for college.

I did so in secret and got accepted with a partial scholarship. I didn’t tell them I was moving out until a week before I left, with essentially nothing but what a few friends gave to me that their parents bought “them” for college. I took engineering, and had to work, take on debt and struggle.

My parents and I have barely spoken for years. I’m married now and expecting our first child, and they asked to meet up. We met at a park, and they said they were “sorry if they caused me pain” but would like a relationship now. I asked them specifically what they were sorry for. They wouldn’t elaborate and just said they wanted to move forward. I said that wasn’t sufficient.

In the end, I said they could prove they were sorry by forwarding me the $100k my degree and college expenses were, just like they did for my brothers. My mom burst into tears, my dad said I wasn’t being serious and I just left. Since then, I’ve been getting calls from my brothers telling me I’m being immature and hurtful. I don’t think so at all.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

HelenDamnnation −  NTA. Hi from another engineer from a family filled with rage that she has all the talent that the boy was never up to. As far as I can see, your answer to them was perfect. It was very fair, and if they have fixed their appalling bigotry issues, they would be falling all over themselves begging you to take the money. Since they clearly have not fixed their bigotry, you don’t want them around your child.

Never, ever poison children by allowing bigots in their presence. No exceptions. That includes your bigoted brothers… Edited to add: I have a bachelor’s, master’s, and doctorate all in engineering. You have no idea how angry this makes them. Hopefully you will too and we can all watch the bigots faint from sheer rage together. Bwahahahaha.

OuchLOLcom −  NTA thats a generic ‘Sorry you’re upset non apology. They are just around now because they want to influence the baby. The 100k ask is fair if they have the means to pay it.

BaconFaceHappyPants −  Wow. I would typically say that you would be the AH, because expecting money from family is never a good thing but I am making an exception here. No, you’re NTA. Being singled out like that because you are a woman is gross, and it’s terribly unfair that your brothers got a free ride and you didn’t for that one fact. Good on you though, for making your own way in spite of them.

Mission_Spray −  NTA. I’m proud of you, by the way. Despite your upbringing you persevered. Keep staying strong and standing your ground.

[Reddit User] −  Sorry your family sucks, but honestly f**k them, your brothers most of all for being so entitled while simultaneously giving you s**t for wanting what they got for free. NTA.

SilenceConnoisseur −  NTA. Your parents unfortunately can’t prove that they’re sorry because they aren’t. Tell your brothers “You know what else is immature and hurtful? Sexism, parental n**lect, and forcing your child into debt.”

Trasl0 −  NTA, your parents treated you terribly due to your gender and their archaic ideas of gender roles. When given the chance to apologize they couldnt be bothered to provide a sincere one. Should you realistically expect 100k, no, but the fact they are not even willing to try to make amends is ridiculous. Nobody is entitled to a “forgive and forget” situation, so if your not willing to do so that’s a valid choice.

fatapolloissexy −  Nta. Only showing up now to “save” their grandchilds soul. They just wanna push their crap onto the next generation.

Stw_Reylla −  Definitely NTA. You have accomplished a lot and had to make some tough decisions in order to do so. Good for you for setting your boundaries and sticking to them. It takes an incredibly strong person to not only get a degree like you did but also set and enforce reasonable boundaries for family.

[Reddit User] −  Honestly leaning towards ESH — Personally I’m not sure why you’d want a relationship with them after all this. And any kind of big financial ties are just going to put pressure on any relationship in the future.
You’re not wrong for your resentment.

But ask yourself what you’re going to do if they do somehow come up with the money. You’re going to feel obliged to be a part of their life. It would sting a lot more if you called and took back the offer saying that nothing can repair the relationship.